Most of my interaction with W the past week was at kids ballgames. I am very able to stay positive while around others, because I can lose myself in the kids for a while. I have been able to have fun with the other parents too. But, if it is just W and I, I tend to fall back into my comfort zone for a minute. I listen, try to validate, etc. I don't want her to think I will just be her friend, but I don't want to be cold and avoiding either. I have told her this, but she ignored it/tested me on it last week. I am unsure on how to act around her. I can't just be myself, because she doesn't want that right now, and it would be counterproductive. I have found some music that can "pump me up", and it has helped somewhat. I wish I could just move forward, but I feel like I am stuck in the mud somedays. I have a little self esteem coming back, because I know that I have a lot of people that care about me, and I am a good person. This problem with her, is her problem. Not mine. I have tried for months to help her with it, to no avail. I, and my kids, are collateral damage of whatever she is going through. I pray many times a day to help me be strong confident, and help me walk the right path. I pray for my boys, and I pray for her, her happiness, and for a chance at reconciling our M. I have been staying busier, for the most part. Many ballgames with the boys, camping with the boys. Hanging out with friends and family. Still not enjoying this as much as I used to, but I think that will come. I hope.
Mon- work ot, then ball Tues-work and counseling with priest Wed- work, ball, kids spend the night Thurs- work, kids spend the night Fri- ? Sat- basketball camp in the am, ? Sun- church, ?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
