I think it's less about expecting a reaction from her or even expecting anything from her and more about the experience itself. I fall back in love with her again when I see her. Especially now. Our communication is better, we're both doing things we wanted to do when we were together, we're both more vulnerable. The same things she wanted from me in our M I wanted from her.
So when we have an exchange that's so positive, it makes me more upset than if we were to get together and argue or have it be negative in any other way. She has re become the woman I married, not the woman who I lived with for the last 16 months who was a shell of this woman. I believe I have turned into the same, more so even, much more so than the man she married.
What's worked was what I did today, to be honest. I was the one that kept the barrier up, I needed to create the boundary for myself. She's done so by first leaving and then having me served. Now it seems like she's more comfortable opening up because the process is in motion, but I'm not. I've been open for 8.5 months but have grown weary of how it leaves me.
Maybe DB'ing means you have to stay open, but it's worn me thin. The cold coupled with two solid weeks of dreaming of my W and not sleeping well because of it have worn me down. Now I just want to get on with my life. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently.
I called my best friend on the drive home and told him that this was actually our easiest swap and for me our most pain free interaction. I may be overthinking all of it, but on some level it felt good to be the one leaving first, the one who set the boundary. It wasn't done to punish her or take anything from her, but just to protect myself.
Cheers, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
