Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[Flight]

Sandi, RAI, Ghost, Azzork, et al. I am hoping I can round up the group for a specific question.

I was taking my daughter with me on a day trip. I think it made my wife feel lonely or sad about the fact she wouldn't see her and that this is a consequence of our in-house separation. But it is her idea not wanting to do things with us as a family for fear I won't get that we are "separated". My wife and I had a short conversation before I left about why we haven't discussed a budget and a separation agreement. I said that was her job to ask since she knew that is not what I wanted. She said she wasn't wanting to make waves because we have gotten along for weeks now but still wanted to discuss our separation arrangments.

She did not want to leave the house and thought if anyone did, I should leave because I could afford a cheap apartment! But she thinks we should still live together and co-parent our daughter until she is older. She says other people have separate lives, but live in the same house for the kids. She asked how I would afford to live on my own anyway and surmised I was thinking of getting a roommate. When I said yes, she got visibly agitated/scared and asked if I would really have a stranger come live with our daughter. Did that really have her best interest at heart? I wanted to say, "If YOU really have our daughter's best interest at heart, you wouldn't be putting her through this hell and would be working on our marriage". But I didn't. She said I should put my pride aside and do what is the best interest of our daughter. She is assuming I just want to kick her out because she had the emotional affair and I wasn't going to let her have the house.

We talked about the holidays coming up and I told her she could have our daughter for Thanksgving and I would take her for Christmas. She again got agitated and said, "But she would want us both to be with her on the holidays! She wants a mommy and daddy". I did say this time, "Well, that is one of the many consequences of the divorce you want". So she doesn't want to come with us on a day trip or to go to the movies together, but because the holiday season is so important to her I am supposed to do all that with her as a family?

She started to vent again about the list of hurts I inflicted on her, this time mostly that I didn't get a better job so she didn't have to work. I let her talk and then asked her how that made her feel. I validated her feelings and let her know I understood how sad that must have made her. Of course this made for a much more pleasant interaction for her. I mentioned that I got one job offer, but it would mean moving out of state. She then asked where it was because she would quit her job and move with me! That really confused me. She was wondering if I did have to move, if it would be to a place she would like living. I can't help but feel she is waiting for something to happen or at least questioning her choices. If she did this, she would quite her job and be completely dependent on me until she found a new job (or was a stay at home mome). Is she wanting her cake and to eat it too?

During the road trip, I texted my wife to say how talkative my daughter was and wouldn't stop asking questions as if she was 4 instead of 11. My wife replied "It shows she's happy though. We should ensure she always stays that way!" That was a clear reference to our earlier conversation letting me know that I should do things my wife's way because that was in the best interest of our daughter. And again, I thought to myself the best interest of our daughter would be to keep the family together.

I want to do the right thing. Is my wife guilting me into doing what SHE thinks is best? I am wanting to give her a little "tough love" and feel like the in-house separation is actually worse for our daughter than if we just get this over with. I am fully prepared to end the relationship at this point, but am still willing to keep trying if she is having second thoughts. I also can't help but feel that my wife really wouldn't want to move out. On the one hand I want to enforce a separate holiday schedule, but of course want to make sure I don't do that at the expense of our daughter. Our older kids would be involved too as they would come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. On the other side of the coin, holiday time and the holiday spirit could be a chance to bond. Help me. I'm confused. Why is my wife giving me what I perceive as mixed messages and should I stand my ground and insist on separate holiday arrangements? I do not want her to use me for the holidays if that is her plan.