I'm not really sure what to say as far as my DB journey goes. After getting served I completely fell apart, but then have picked myself up and put myself back together again. Rather quickly to be honest.
Today was the bi monthly dog swap and I'm not sure I DB'ed it very well. I DB'ed it the way that I wanted to though, and that was to make it as quick as possible. I know these are the only opportunities that I have to see my W, but honestly, I don't want to see her. Every time we swap Woofie, I walk away feeling like (censored) for a few days.
We always get along so well, laugh and joke with each other, and borderline flirt with each other. Then I can't work for three days. Then I can't sleep for two nights. Then I lose all of my creativity and drive. Then it all comes back.
Today I didn't want to go through all of that. If I could have I would have had her drop him with a friend and I would have picked him up there and avoided her all together. It hurts me too much to see her, hear how she's doing all of the things I had hoped we'd do together but she was never interested in then. It upsets me greatly and this week I just didn't have it in me to pretend that I did.
I'm battling a bit of a cold, but also have, to be honest, moved on a bit. Maybe this really is part of detaching and DB'ing, but I've shifted in my mind from someone that is still fighting to save his M to someone that has accepted his M is completely over and is creating an amazing new life without his W. To the point of thinking that seeing her is now a detriment to executing that great life plan. It's all confusing truthfully.
So today on Woofie swap, I gave her the grandmother hug, put the Dalai Lama of dogs in my car, answered that I was "good" and my weekend was "going fine" and then gave her a hug goodbye. On the hug goodbye she wouldn't let me go and started rubbing my back a bit but I pulled away and said I had to run. I just don't want my back rubbed folks, not today. Not by her. The good feeling from getting it hurts too much as soon as it stops.
I've been GAL'ing like crazy, maybe a bit too much that I've worn myself out, but the last month has flown by. So much so that I've started blocking off time for myself and telling people that I have plans when I don't. I've been seeing speakers, going to dinners and BBQ's, sporting events, and even gave a 45 minute talk the other night that went considerably better than I could have dreamed.
9 months in I'm also finding myself growing tired of turning down offers from women for dinners or to spend time together. I'm not ready to date or commit to anything close to a relationship, but I've gone out a few times with women who know my situation and have had a good time. It's still a battle to not feel like I'm doing something wrong or somehow cheating on my W simply by being at dinner, nor to be upset that I'm talking to anyone but her. It's also helpful to realize on some level that women still find me interesting and that sobriety hasn't turned me into a social pariah. Quite the opposite actually, everyone seems intrigued by all of the life changes I've made this year.
That's where I'm at. It's a mixed bag still of a bit of acceptance, a bit of numbness, a fair amount of confusion, and still a lot of upset. My PMA is still high on most days, but I also feel like I'm walking around in a dream a lot. It's not a nightmare anymore but it still doesn't feel like real life.
Hope everyone is doing well.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
