A new M--a new me, a new him!

[reachingHigher]

Hello friends!!

Wanted to bring an update on my sitch.

It has been a turbulent year in many ways.

Over these summer months, particularly since we took a family vacation to the Keys in July, I have felt angry toward H.

I don’t know how to describe it other than that. I slowed my real estate business down to take care of some household things that have piled up over these MLC years. I probably am behind around 5 years in some paperwork, cleaning, etc.

We moved one year ago and that took a lot since we were moving from 20 acres to 1 acre and I acted the realtor for both transactions. So I was very busy—and it took an emotional toll.

We moved our stuff here but I haven’t sorted, purged, organized, etc. even if it looks neat.

So…this summer I decided it was time to spend a few weeks and tidy my nest to my satisfaction. We have the money to redecorate our new abode and have bought a few pieces of furniture and redid our living room floor in stained/stamped concrete to look like wood tile. It came out totally gorgeous & no one can ever guess its concrete! Kinda fun project as my idea was concrete will be the floor of the future!!!

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Somehow, something mentally, (perhaps in conjunction with clearing out old possessions in the house) I felt it was time to clear the decks. So after years of patience, compassion and understanding for H—I feel angry. At times VERY angry. I haven’t let it all out of course. We have had a few arguments, at times intense. I haven’t accompanied him on as many social events as I felt I often went to keep an eye on him and I’m tired of doing that.

So we’ve had some rough spots. He came home one Friday evening at 1 am after partying with some single friends. On another occasion, he rode his new motorcycle after having drinks with a friend 2 days after he promised me he would never do that.

So this week we did MC. B/c of our insurance we saw the counselor separately. He went for counseling alone first, then we did lunch together, then I went. We did identify a few things. Not enough to keep seeing her but enough to see what is going on.

I planned some activities for us this weekend then I got very pissy Friday night and didn’t do what we had planned—we just argued instead.

H told me to get all this anger out and then to not let it bother us in our R any more.

The realtors I work with have been pressuring me not to take any time off as they are worried I am depressed.

What is strange about the job is that now I am backing off and not chasing any business—it is coming to me! I have 3 deals going on right now—none of which I pursued — they came to me.

Every transaction I have done this year has been cash payment. Our company trainer said thoughtfully this week “Hmmm….you’re attracting cash”. I don’t know what that means but I’m becoming proficient with cash buyers. And my listings all have cash buyers.

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About the anger—it is not hatred. It is anger. Anger of what H did and how he hurt me. I saw more pics on FB of him with girls during our separation...pics while he was sitting in their laps, stuff like that. It makes me angry.

The counselor said I need to be warm and forgiving. I don’t feel warm and forgiving. I want her to tell me HOW to feel forgiving and she can’t do that.

H and I went to an outdoor concert this past Weds that he invited me to. We saw some of his friends from the FAA and sat with them. I hadn’t met them before but they were easy to be with. I felt loving and warm and myself. I felt friendly and great and flirty with H.

What H and I did this weekend was we spent Saturday together after arguing Friday night. We went to the State Fair on Saturday and then to a party with some mostly new friends and a couple people from H’s old party group. But I felt fabulous. I acted just how I would act and didn’t worry about H at all. We were perfect together. Just perfect.

It seems that I get freaked out when he is with his party friends from the MLC period, especially the girls. I just can’t take it, whether he is with them and I am not there or if he is with them and I am there.

H doesn’t understand this, I don’t understand it, and MC doesn’t understand. It shuts me down emotionally.

Everything else seems to be fine. Its just this one area and H doesn’t seem to be willing to give up the occasional meeting with them. It runs from 2 or 3 times a week to once every two weeks.

He told me they want to rent a party bus and then go on a cruise next spring. He is so excited. I told him I would rather have a root canal. He is willing to forego the cruise to make me happy but would love to go.

He and I are talking about a vacation of our own next spring. I noticed he was very excited about talking about it with me but has not mentioned it to his MLC friends.

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H looks SO different. He has grown his hair out so is several inches of golden curls. He drove our S15 to a school event in a very nice neighborhood recently. He had his baseball cap on backwards and was playing what he told me was “gansta” music loudly in his convertible Mustang. A lady walking her dog in the neighborhood told him to slow down that there were kids and dogs in the neighborhood.

He stopped and asked the speed limit. She said 25 mph. He said “I am going 25 mph”. I am sure she was just freaked out by his appearance.

It has take a LOT a LOT to get used to this new person that people used to ask me if he was a pastor.

H’s drinking is MUCH MUCH less. Only a day or two a week now. There is so much progress.

This is such a long road.
I wasn’t sure we could work it out or would want to but I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for listening

Comments are welcomed and read and re-read