You guys have no idea how wonderful it is to touch base and feel there is someone out there that cares. that sounds soooo lame i know- Seems things to get both better and worse - all at same time around here. is it any wnoder i lose hair and sleep!!!!!
I hope you're both well and happy & looking forward to fall. (and wi nter??? burrrrr) but pretty as heck.
I do hear you about my family. I think i am some point where honestly- when this is allover i don't think i'll care much who i see or what. I don't see myself "preserving family" any more . too tired. My neice cares about family- i'm trying to be that for her. my other neices i like alot- their mothers , oiy.... Even her mom doesn't care. I can happily leave them to themselves.
h seems to become more his old self when around me, even affectionate sometimes - BUT OW is still there in place in his life and important. PERIOD.
I list the good & bad. I see that my life is much more "easy" than most people. Watching my sister in town out of work , behind in rent and truly struggling badly- and am not so hot to throw away that kind of security. It sounds shabby- i kind of wish it were just all about the money. then i'd be a happy girl rite - getting what i want. problem solved? he's happy to throw $$ my way. .
As always- it's about person you "share your life with" , which he seems to think we do- and said just a week ago "please stay in my life". however - he then tra las off on a trip with ow - and (to a much much much less degree than begfore - but there-) sends me into emotional turmoil about whether or not he is a person worthy of all the ttrouble, wait, faith,etc. hard to determine some human beings intrinsic "worth". but it seems important to know.
I do not feel this overwhelming LOOOOOOOVE for him as i always did - too battered.(those totally suckie 4-5 yrs) I don't want to be a grudge holder and get bitter or really "hang onto" it. On other hand - one knows something about this guy now that i didn't before. Perhaps he is not "worthy" of all this?? I still have that same old whatever it is that (addiction? habit? caring?) - that nags me and says if i found him soooo worthwhile for 38 yrs., how can i throw him out window now? I have even more invested now - I may or may not be insane. I do admire the strength of my own devotion and loyalty & ability to absorbe the crappola and still plug on. I may not look it to others - but i feel very strong inside to continue & prevail (over the emotions & urges to just cut and run - both with h and fam) Now, if only rest of universe saw what i see. (and if it's really a good thing in the end?) who ever does know huh?
If i'm honest - i still NEED the safety net he provides. it's sad - as usual, it's both the hardest and easiest thing to do for me and my emotional and mental state presently. I know it is wacky - but i know same about alternative FOR SURE.
i AM LOts more my old self. I am , opinion of self wise, lots lots better than have been in last ten years. too bad that doesn't resolve anything. i don't agonize over my actions or thoughts to see what "i'm doing wrong". i think that is gone forever. I do like the person i am, and feel as good or bad as anyone else. I don't feel ashamed of my shortcomings - only human and not embarassed to say.
I am running out of steam in general in life tho with this businesss of sucking it up, being pleasant and diplomatic and courteous in the face of bad treatment (fam & h) and blatent or latent hostility(fam) , criticism(fam) being relegated to a "place" i feel he's trying to keep me in (h). and yes, i know he can't keep me anywhere if i want to move out of it.
I think that accepting dispositoin may not be such a good thing. Buddha say be like water- free of resistence, yet able to wear away rock. idk - I accept totally i can only control me- and the dre ary-ness of other people's actions and repurcussions to me, that is probably nothin to him, alot to me, blah blah blah
same old same old. but this, but that, stinkin frog in a jar hopping around -
I know about my safety net need still - yet i feel badly to allow him to think he buys me and it works. hearing myself say that tho- i don't say it to h im because there is nothing to say about anything any more. i sit by and watch, go about my life, wish i'd meet someone that would swooooop me away and wonder how the heck i have such loyalty and ties to people who are hard to love and downright abusing it sometimes (mom & him). GEEEEEZ - i sure sound neurotic and nuts huh? guess i am really.
oh well- not to moan like mad (after i've done just that) i'm still here - i'm not sure why or how - i am endeavoring to place it in God's hands, thinking he knows alot i do not & hoping when the time comes for me to jump ship- i know it and do it.
u-r - i think of you all the time because i'm stll in state of overwhelmment with the stuff around here and my jumble-ment of mind & house (oh well, and gardent too).
that being said, i have a giant bag of cloths to go out door- and two boxes of really good collectible china "things", and perhaps will go put them in trunk of my car and take to flea next week to sell with a freind that wants to.
we have accepted an offer on mom's house- lower than i'd like, but okay. can use some of that $$ to fund shore- so rabid sister doing those bills quits freakin out.
leavine as is - hope i didn't say too much that's dopey'
