It was good and ok! It was weird. I was not sure how to feel about it. I did face one of my biggest fears and that was going and talking. I did go and I did talk. My other fear was going to meeting so close to home I may know someone there. It is a very small group 4-8 people. I again had to concur a fear as a girl I graduated with was there...What a way to take all those fears at once lol!
I am not sure how/why it happened but the reading they did last night was about finding help, what it was about and how we do not cause, control or (I cant remember the third) the disease. It also talked about self care and how we can not cure the alcoholic. I for whatever reason felt like the reading was speaking to me. I know it sounds silly but it seemed to cover exactly where I was at. Maybe it was a sign. I will be returning next week. I really enjoyed it. I do need to order the book and will be doing that this weekend. I am not a focused listener when others are reading so that is something I will need to do on my own time is re-read the readings. I really enjoyed listening to the others speak it helps to put a situation with the book.
A few things I have questions about! I understand it is geared toward the person affected by the alcoholic. Yes I am affected by my dad's past drinking but I feel I am more affected right now by the co-dependency. They were all sharing stories about their alcoholic friends/family and I wanted to share more towards my co-dependency. An example of this was one lady was sharing about searching for her H bottles. I can not really relate to that but I can relate to searching text messages and facebook. Am I allowed to share more towards the co-dependency or does it need to stay alcohol related? Another was dropping the rope...Well again it was not alcohol related it was I moved out and set the boundary that I would not tolerate it anymore. I did share with the group I was working more with co-dependency than alcohol but I am an Adult child of an Alcoholic. I am just unsure about the sharing part and fitting it to my situation. I do not want to interfere with others healing.
Good things I have noticed. I used to check his facebook every day several times a day I bet since I have left I have been on their twice. I have only checked his bank account once also used to check that daily. I really do not have the urge to text or call all the time even when i am at work like I used to. I do not feel the need to be at the house or interfering with his R. this is his time to do what he wants/needs and my time to do as I want/need. I am also finding myself so busy I can not even get a routine down with the kid. I am choosing that as something I would like to work on this coming week. I have bought myself a few new things this week also. I am just feeling lighter from less stress I guess. this week (and every week) Mondays I took D to gymnastics, tuesday spent time at the house with all the kids then D8 to dance, WEd gymnastics *these are have to's for her activities...Thursdays will be Alanon and tonight I took D7 and D8 to the homecoming football game it was a blow out so we left at half-time. tomorrow I am taking the 3 kids to watch Ex race and then they are all staying with me and Sunday I will be trying to finish unpacking. Next week monday -thursday will be the same and I will be looking for something for us to do friday and she will be gone saturday and Sunday so i will likely go do something with friends. Ha I should clean the camper too! looks like a tornado went through here!! O yes and I will have IC on thursday also. I have also been picking up an extra shift this week and next week! Staying busy busy! it is kind of nice not having all those things to worry about!
A few things I have noticed lately about myself. One I continue reading into things Ex says and does. Example we were talking about kids this weekend he asked when I was bringing them sunday I said I dont know he said he wants to be a responsible parent and make sure he is up please give him half hour notice he isnt sure what he is doing going out with friend maybe. The next day he repeats same thing says with friend...long pause softer quieter voice or OW. To me it was like he was either hiding it or ashamed to tell me. I am not sure. I have also caught myself reading into he has still not allowed kids around her and ect. Makes me think he just is not quite sure he thinks he is doing the right thing. But it could also be a respect thing towards the kids. He will text me and call me but when I am at the house he has very little if nothing at all to say to me. Kind of weird.
What is said in the room stays in the room. The codependency has one of its main origins in your childhood and yes codependency is an issue that every single one of the 8 people in the room is either facing or has faced. That's why they are there for themselves, for their own recovery.
Whilst they search for bottles, you search for other evidence, the mode is different but the reason the same.
I think you will get benefit from the support, when that ceases consider reaching out to a codependency group, in the early months all 12 step groups will help, the core is self growth and development irrespective of the others disease, alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, overeating etc......
Some of the readings are amazing and yes, I fully understand how they seem to speak directly to you. It does get easier to listen, and it's a safe place where IRL you can release your feelings. Additionally many alcoholics are cross addicted and have affairs, alcohol lowers inhibitition and drinkers are more prone to affairs.
These days although I no longer live with WH, the effects of his gambling have affected me so badly that I need my gam anon group. And I will for many years, that group is part of my higher power. I off load about my troubles every time I am n the group.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/26/1506:29 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Can u give me advice on my goods and bads? I know I'm not detached but am working on it! It obviously bothers me that he is with OW! I do feel good about staying very busy!
Ok I have a problem. Every time I have to see Ex I instantly become short toned can not make eye contact with him and lose all PMA. Its almost like I just want him to get away from me. I do not want to feel this way. I want to PMA be able to have light conversation and be up beat. Why does his presence make me feel this way? What are some ways I can change this behavior? I am worried this will even put a wedge between continuing a friendship?
Other things I have questions about is how do I handle this situation. Currently I am not handling anything. I am answering his texts allowing him to watch D8 every chance he can ect. I feel these actions are only again helping him maintain what he is doing. To him there is no fighting he does not have to see me or answer me if he does not want to. He can text me and demand I call him or text him back but it is ok for him to ignore me if OW is around or he does not want to answer. I also feel allowing him to have my daughter frequently is only making him feel like everything is fine. I would like him to be actively involved with her as I also want to continue being involved with his kids but I do not want to make this all seem ok for him and for him to think it will all be fine. I would like him to see what he will be missing and to think about his choices. I spend many days/hours thinking about my choices. My choice to leave, to not seek help earlier, to stay ect. I guess I need guidance on what to do next. I left now what?
I would like to say I am pretty excited. I have not received a text from EX all day and as hard as it is I refrained from texting him. I shall spend this week not pursuing. I also took a step and asked my Grandma to watch D8 on Thursday for my meeting instead of asking Ex. I do not need to rely on him. I call and make time to spend with his children if he wants to see D8 he is more than welcome to call and ask. Otherwise I will just make sure they get the hour or so on Tuesdays and then I will ask for them to come to my house. Why should I make all the arrangements and rely on him he is unreliable. I know that. I do NOT want to hurt the kids in all of this so I will make sure they get to see each other but I am choosing to not rely on him anymore. I do not need him to work on my car, watch D8, pay for anything. I can and will choose to help myself!
I am at Ex's house D4 asked to go have lunch with him so I took her out and sat in the car and read some more of CD workbook. I was again short with him in my answers and it frustrates him not what I want. So a few of my goals for today are 1. Make dinner WITH D8 2. Give her two genuine hugs 3. Give her 3 compliments today 4. I will choose to lot lose my patients with her or be short with her today 5. While she is at dance tonight I will go for a walk for at least 15 minutes 6. I will complete one activity from CD workbook 7. I will play one game with D8 tonight 8. I will be up beat and have light convo with ex when he gets home ask how his day was ect! No reason to be distant or short!
I am at Ex's house D4 asked to go have lunch with him so I took her out and sat in the car and read some more of CD workbook. I was again short with him in my answers and it frustrates him not what I want. So a few of my goals for today are 1. Make dinner WITH D8 2. Give her two genuine hugs 3. Give her 3 compliments today 4. I will choose to lot lose my patients with her or be short with her today 5. While she is at dance tonight I will go for a walk for at least 15 minutes 6. I will complete one activity from CD workbook 7. I will play one game with D8 tonight 8. I will be up beat and have light convo with ex when he gets home ask how his day was ect! No reason to be distant or short!
I absolutely love these goals, the way they are stated, positive, accountable and delightful.
4my what a beautiful wonderful positive set of goals.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
