Checking in. Had an interesting weekend after getting served on Thurs. Synchronicity being what it is, I went right from that awful night into a four day men's group. I'd never really done "men's work" like this before. It was profound.
For four days I watch men bare their souls, cry, scream, laugh and take care of each other. I wept for the loss of my M and the unborn child that never came to be. I let it all hang out. Talk about terrifying and cleansing at the same time.
On the last day I had a life changing experience. One of the older men who has a terminal illness started crying and told me to the group, "I am going to die in a year or two, but you have given me faith to know that when I pass there will be men with the courage to hold themselves to a standard that other men can't. And the honesty to share their mistakes and misfortunes in order to make other men better."
I cried like a 5-year old who'd stepped on a bee when he said it.
My W left me for a number of reasons. Many of which were due to the hurt and pain that I caused her by lack of integrity, my lack of honesty, and my lack of courage. I own that.
Hearing this man made me feel like I had graduated. I am now a man that only a fool would leave, even though my work is not done. I have been recognized for these qualities by people who I hold in high regard.
Unfortunately I don't believe my W will ever know this. Or that it matters to her. It seems that the hurt we levied on each other is still something we don't talk about or share with each other. I won't say it's her loss, because it is both of ours. She is an amazing woman who appears to be spiritually bypassing the real conversations, issues, and pain that drove us apart.
That's all I have for today. Hope there's peace in the DB world.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
We know it PigPen. Your a good man, a man with faults but a good man. You have helped me and I am grateful. All it takes is one precious moment and your world can change. Be well
Please know this, the higher spirit works in extraordinary and wonderful ways. By looking to your heart, by working steps 4 to 9 you find the power to become. To move that gap of addiction, and to heal your soul.
This is for life, this is for self, it is not selfish but the healing of self allows freedom to give. To channel for your spirit, you will need to believe that those with that spirit become, heal and grow into new beginnings.
One day at a time becomes every step to the future.
I see that those both addicts and loved ones, glow when they reach step 10. It is serenity. It is being. That is the effect and this can be part of your new future.
I am so proud of you although that is not my place.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/15/1511:37 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you V, your words are always so calming for me. I appreciate you to no end. This is still a mix of emotions. For the first three days of the week I was a trainwreck, for the last two I've been in this eerie state of calm. Calm is such a foreign feeling right now that it actually has me on guard.
Oddly enough I got one of the first "outreach" texts from my W in 9 months. Meaning she messaged me about something that didn't have to do with logistics, finances, or our dog.
It read, "Hi. I know you have a lot of big stuff coming up and wanted to see how you were doing. Sending you lots of love and good vibes."
I sat on it for a day and then wrote back telling her a bit about the weekend retreat (she knew I was there), that I was busy with my new project and sending her love and good vibes back. Left it at that.
My mindreading gut says that she's checking in because I've been served papers and there is now distance between us. Our anniversary is next week too, that could be what's coming up. Not sure. It's safer for her now to speak to me without worry that it means I'll think she wants to reconcile.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Yes, PP. We'd love to know how you are doing. I hope it is lots of good keeping you away.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
