Finally asking for help: 2

[Vanilla]

Mutatio,
Thanks for checking in on me buddy. It's been a tough couple of weeks. The depression is a big battle for me right now. But I'm coping. Cheers!

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Vanilla,

Thanks for taking the time to dissect everything. I think that there is a lot of wisdom there.

I tend to believe that who we are is not what's inside, but what we do with it.

I completely disagree. That is the point of my post to you. If you measure yourself on what you do other than who you are then you are placing value on human doings not human beings. My whole point is that may be a completely inappropriate measure for mental health.

Action is what effects the people and world around us.

Yes of course it is, and more effective is who you are, values etc.

When did this start? What age? Did your family, teachers, WW, value you on what you did rather than for you? Is that how you learned to value Solo?

I'm not sure if I understand.

We all value people for what they do, right?

That isn't the best way, it makes all interaction conditional on performance.If someone can't do or ceases doing they cease to have value in that model of the world. I now know that is the way you value yourself. Conditionally.


I mean, having a sense of humor, being kind, passionate, those things manifest through action. People value action. They can't value you in any other way unless it's physical.

Totally disagree. I love and respect people for who they are not what they do. Good people do bad things, bad people do good things.

I can say this in regards to self judgement.

My father is highly judgmental and it really messed me up.

I thought that might be the case, I really think you picked up the habit too. You say you judge on actions that is very tough way to judge yourself. Self esteem is high if you do well, low if you don't!

No one can do anything to you without your consent. It wasn't your father's judgement that caused the damage, it was the fact you believed him!

I believe your super ego is judging you. You replaced your dad with yourself. It may very well be that you are even more judgemental of yourself than your dad was of you.

You could choose to rethink that you have value just simply because you are you. That is where your value lies, not in your doing but in your being. You cease judging yourself for what you do.

My W is insanely judgmental, especially of me. Not just my actions, but my thoughts, my feelings, my interests.

Of course, you will surround yourself with those who value you that way! That is how you value yourself. Time to stop!

When you change the things you value of yourself, others will too. They can not help but change how they react to you. The love of you will draw that love from others.

This is your comfort zone and so you are uncomfortable in your comfort zone, it's a tough way to live.

So I would say that if the people are closest to you have judged you and restrained you for your entire life, you believe them.

Once again I disagree. The truly independent individual has value in themselves, irrespective of the thoughts of others. What someone else thinks of you is their business not yours. You don't have to buy it. This DB process is about that value, it is about boundaries, it is about becoming the best you can be.

My WH said that I was ugly, unattractive, the most selfish person on the planet. It simply isn't so. I have my faults, I am human. What I think of me is much more important than anyone else's view. Of course I can consider change if their view has validity to me. Essentially those criticism attempt to diminish who I am, the boundaries say 'no, that is not who I am' . I can be who I want to be. I love V, the higher power loves V, I am worthy of that love just because I am a human being called V. I am me, it is enough.

Their love has always had all these conditions. I don't think I have ever felt loved for who I am in the relationships that matter most to me.

Well, I can see why! It's hard for others to love you, if you don't love yourself then that is a limitation. Your higher power still loves you and there is a place inside of Solo that loves Solo. That voice is singing if you can but listen to t. Take theme to listen to your song. It's time that you find the fabulous person, terrific dad, loving intelligent man, who is a great human being, truly loveable. No one can love you more than you love yourself. We can explore why you may be afraid of self love if you like. Usually there is some fear somewhere being held on to in the subconscious. Heck if V can love you then that spirit speaks.

You can be loved for who you are.

I also grew up in a highly religious setting, so that compounded that feeling.

That is disappointing, the one being who loves you for being made in his grace, was unable to reach you. Let the higher power reach you now. Feel the love that comes your way.


In some ways, I believe that my personality and the way I give love comes from not ever feeling unconditional love and wanting to give it.

I would really want for you that this can change. That you know and feel the unconditional love from your higher power, for yourself and particularly for you children. My deepest wish and I am projecting my best rainbow strength is that you look into your own eyes, just be, and open your heart to the love around you. It's everywhere and you need do nothing to have this fulfilment. It come with stillness, with observation, with inactivity, with spirit, it comes with just simply being who you are. Flaws and perfection both.

You are loved just because you are Solo.

You can have that love close, right now, if you open your heart and be still.

Grey
I'm glad my sitch could be of some use. Thanks for the kind words. I've been reading up on yours as well, and will post in a bit.

I am guessing that Grey sees this too!

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We can chat further on this if you like and it is of help to you.

V