I'm on the other side of this, having lived in a D family for 15 years, and worked with hundreds of divorced families in the same situation.
Painter, what kind of work do you do with D families? Is that your profession or a volunteer calling? I'm sure it's both frustrating and rewarding at the same time. I don't want to hijack Zues's thread, is there a link to another post where you've explained already? Or you can go post on my thread if you prefer. I'd love to hear.
Sunny, I ran a national blended family organization for 10 years. We worked among other things for fathers' rights. I guess I don't want to give too many identifying details here?
I feel like a doctor who recognizes a certain type of mole after seeing so many of them grow into cancer... It looks very innocent to someone who hasn't seen them before. And you can't really see anything on the surface for a long time...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
My posts above were more just recognizing how hurtful criticism is to me
Have you noticed the importance of performance in your life? I would dare say, of perfection? You have a difficult sales job, you are a pool champion, you're becoming an involved dad. You have very high expectations for yourself. That's good. But there is a flip side to it and it might be that you feel you need to be perfect to be loved. Criticisms reach you because they imply that you're not worthy of love, of belonging. You set up your own challenges, like being the best salesman, winning this pool tournament, being a perfect dad, having a lifelong relationship. The fact that you share these stories with us regularly show us how important it is for you to succeed. You know, if you lost every tournament, if you didn't sell as much, we would love you all just as much. You don't have to be perfect.
The pursuit of perfection is costly for you, but it can also be taxing for those around you. I have a friend like this (and I am to a great extent). His M is not going too well now and it's in part because he's constantly holding his W and himself to an impossible standard, so criticizing her and hating himself. She'll drop the jam jar and he'll go "You shouldn't have dropped it!" Well, duh. But these things happen. There's a line from a song that would translate to "You always self-criticize and that's why you self-criticize me." I think it's a very deep sentence and worth thinking about.
Last, you cannot control every outcome. You do not control the skills of your opponents and their mental state on the day of a tournament. In sales, you do not control the decision of a client, even if your income depends on it. You do not control the feelings of your WAW. You do not control the weather, the power supply at your home, etc. One way to react to failure is to laugh it off. I think your morning story was hilarious and worthy of a comedy. The fact that the shorts were wrong? Small price to pay! I think I would have forgotten one kid in the overflowing toilet and dropped the second one at the plumber under the same circumstances. When your WW lectures you, you hear that you're not worthy. If you know you're worthy, if you really do, you will hear different.
You don't have to be perfect to be loved.
Failure does not make you unworthy.
You don't have to be perfect.
You really don't.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi all. Thanks for the comments and checking in on me.
The Weekend: I had a good weekend with the kids. Had a few hours 1:1 with D4 before the others got out of school and played some chess with her at the coffee shop, we had a blast and it was fun for her to get some attention as people were excited she could play (for the most part). Then stopped at a used book store and got her some Winnie the Pooh books and read to her for a bit. Picked up the others and had a chill evening. Good weekend. Finished reading them Ender's Game which they loved, then watched the movie which was a necessary evil. Went for a walk. Took them bowling. Hit a buffet for dinner which was a good move so I could have them try different foods while still letting them have what they wanted. Then gave them some time to do their own things. What can I say, good times.
The Drama: STBX texted me that she was "still unhappy with how last Monday morning went", and that she "wasn't comfortable with them staying over Sunday night at this time". She mentioned that she wanted to hold off on that until it was discussed in our court appointment. Needless to say I was angry. My track record this last 12 months has been beyond reproach, I literally dropped my son off 2 minutes late one time and she's making an issue out of it. But after venting about it for a few minutes to my best friend I was over it. I get that there are two objectives: 1) Kids having time with both parents, 2) minimizing disruptions to their lives. Now, I happen to subscribe to the idea that it was her decision to disrupt their lives and that the time with their father is more important than the back and forth that she mandated by Ding me...but her concerns about keeping things comfortable for the kids are legitimate. We just weigh them differently. We're only weeks away from a court date where we will begin to make real progress, so I was fine with going with the flow on this one.
I also recognize potential ulterior motives in terms of being controlling, critical, hurtful, vengeful, etc. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is my children, and my relationship with them. So I'm just going to do what I need to do. I did talk to IC about the feedback I got from Painter, and have passed on some concerns to my L. I also had a talk with my children about some things that were going on, I rehearsed it with IC and made sure it was very neutral, but I let them know that their mother and I were working together to find a way to get them time with both parents while minimizing the impact on them, and that we both loved them and were keeping what was best for them at the center of all we did. I had this conversation both to inform them of a few things they needed to know, and to frame it so they didn't get the perception that STBX was calling all the shots and was the judge and jury...while still sending a message that would be approved by all parties. Anyway, IC and I agree I can't do much to change STBX's behavior but I won't be run over by her either.
Work: I have been working extremely hard. On top of everything else I've just been exhausted. I'm not working out. I'm struggling to keep up with laundry and dishes and bills. Frankly I don't care. I'm drained and still getting the stuff that NEEDS to get done done. I scratched out a decent September and October is off to a rip roaring start. I feel like I'm barely keeping up but the results are stacking up. I am very appreciative to have been given the personality disorder that translates into a money river.
Boundaries: My obsessive thought of the week. Nothing novel here, but I've had some clarity on how boundaries work, and when they might not work. The way I see it there is ME, there is the OTHER PERSON, and then there is where I set my BOUNDARY. I set my boundaries in a way so I don't get hurt. The problem is that sometimes those boundaries aren't appropriate. They might be too conservative, or too lax.
If I am WOUNDED I might be too conservative. In other words, if I have an open wound and am extremely sensitive to criticism to the point that if anyone bumps into me it hurts beyond belief...I might in turn set a boundary to not let anyone near me. I could look at them and say "I can't let this person near me because they keep hurting me", but is it really them, or is it my open wound that is the problem? Maybe if I healed and was emotionally whole I could handle the interactions of a typical relationship (right now I have only a few 'safe' close friends).
On the other hand, if I am NEEDY I might be too lax. For instance, if I feel that I NEED affirmation from someone else and can't live without their approval I might allow the wrong person too close to me. I might turn a blind eye on their faults and give them trust they don't deserve because I am too needy to do without whatever it is I want to get from them. In this case my boundary is too loose, and I need to look at how to meet my own needs, or meet them elsewhere in more appropriate places.
No specific examples, the point is just that I'm becoming more aware of who I am, who other people are, what role I allow them to play in my life, why, and how I can use trends I see to continue to grow.
Alligators: None. I live in MN. Squirrels, Sunny, I have to make do with squirrels. Which, incidentally, are not able to do death rolls while their prey tries desperately to escape their 3,700lbs psi vise grip of a bite. But I do appreciate the invite to the festival. I wasn't in a position to respond, but I appreciated you thinking of me. I hope all is well in gatorland.
Talk soon.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Glad your back, but sorry you are so overwhelmed. If anyone can handle it, Im sure you can.
Regarding the drama, I really do not understand your wife's mentality. You are keeping your children safe, grounded, and intellectually challenged. Who cares what your daughter wears to school? It sounds like she is seeking attention from you and the children are all she has left to control you with. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. It is so unhealthy and irrational. (i know you know this already, but sometimes it helps to read it ) I dont know why the WAS feel this need to continue to hurt and control, when they already hurt us so much. They won already. They caused the most hurt. Why pour salt in the wound? I really dont have insight into that because I cannot comprehend it. The only thing I can think of is that maybe in their minds they are so deeply wounded that they feel justified in making you suffer? THey think it will alleviate some of their pain?
On a side note, I really wish the courts evaluated and took into consideration which spouse caused the disruption within the family unit regarding unhealthy behaviors like infidelity, or even just walking away from the marriage. Theses actions are so apparently negligent to the children why are they rewarded?
Interesting insight regarding setting boundaries. Are you preparing for possibly looking to connect with a new relationship? I get what you are saying. Being standoffish because of the fear of being hurt again, will not attract someone. And being hyper critical or sensitive torwards someone might make you miss out on a truly great relationship. On the other hand it is hard not to be vulnerable, and someone can easily exploit those insecurities.
Maybe when your ready, if you just dated without any expectations. Just trying to go out and have fun with someone on a casual basis? Just for interaction and conversation with the oppostite sex? Easy to say yes. But sometimes instead of thinking so much about how cold the water is you just have to jump right in!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Thanks Julie. I made it through the day. Since Sunday at 9PM until now I've been working non-stop and then scooped up my kids and had the evening with them. Now to get them to school in the AM, then work, then I'll have a casual evening. Light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know about the drama either, but it means less and less to me. I am grateful I don't have any feelings for this person anymore. This has nothing to do with wanting D or wanting R or anything...I don't think feelings are a good judge of whether you are done standing by your M or not. But it's a blessing to not feel love towards someone that you can't allow in your life. It's been a relief to not feel that anymore.
Don't get me started about how I feel about the courts endorsement of D. And societies. I guess it all comes back to the people. The laws just reflect what people want. And people want the right to do their own thing. Personal freedom is the religion of the USA. Don't get in their way. OK, I'll stop on this topic before I get wound up.
But it does tie into my feelings about boundaries. Right now I am just put off by people. I love people, I like talking to them, working with them, doing business with them, playing pool with them, etc. But I don't want any one too close to me. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I'm too sensitive or too easily hurt. All I know is I don't trust anyone near my emotional self because people have proven to be too selfish, insensitive, destructive, and critical. They can perpetuate divorces to find their flings that trigger endorphins and make them feel validated and desirable, and charge around like they have life solved and they are so new age and wise and balanced. Good for all of them. I really just want to be left alone. No, I'm not even considering meeting anyone or dating casually. It's possible I won't ever open that door again. And while it's possible this is just how I feel now and that will change with time, it's also possible that I am just different than other people and don't need to be around them. Like I wouldn't let my 4 year old daughter play with a porcelain vase, I don't feel most people know how to take care of each other enough to want to put myself near them. And even if they act like they do, that only lasts until they feel deprived of their personal happiness. No, I'd have to have a lot of reasons to think someone should be in my life. And I'm completely happy with that at this time.
As for Mozza's comments, yes, I am very driven. I have thought for many years for many hundreds of hours about all of the things he said. I continue to find it odd that the message of "you don't have to be perfect" is delivered in such a critical and judgmental manner. I know exactly who I am, and I am fine with myself. I understand it isn't easy to be on my team, and I am fine playing alone. It also isn't easy being on a team of people that don't put the same thought and care into what they do, and don't have the same sensitivity that you do. As he said there is no perfection. I'll leave STBX to go off and find the person easier to live with.
I don't feel like posting much anymore. Other people need this board. It is for healing, not for companionship. I know what I am, what I need to do. I need to work. I need to parent my kids. I need to compete. I need to execute at the jobs in front of me. This I will do. I will enjoy the work, and I will enjoy the leisure when it comes my way. Tonight I showed my kids videos of alligator death rolls and we were all cheering. Everything is perfect just the way it is. I am very close to being at peace. I feel still. Everything is right now. I'm sensitive to criticism but right now people can say what they want. It's ok. I wish you well on your journeys. I'm happy to share the road with those of you that want to. And thank you to those who have been so supportive, accepting, and affirming along the way. The DB forums taught me so much about relationships, life, and myself. You have taught me what it means to have friends.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I am glad you are in a better place, and I can't thank you enough for all of your insight and advice. It has truly helped me get through some very tough times. ( I actually have printed out some of the things you have written to reread) You certainly think outside of the box. You really are remarkable and I wish only good things for you. I do hope you will be able to open yourself up to love again for yourself and for one very lucky woman.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I don't feel like posting much anymore. Other people need this board. It is for healing, not for companionship.
I'm going to have to disagree with you Zues, in the most non-critical and non-judgmental manner I can muster. I find that for me, it is for companionship, things I can't say to any of my IRL friends, for example, my little rant on STBX not keeping his end of the S agreement. I never, ever complained about him to my friends in the 25 years we were M, and I'm not going to start now. But I feel like here's a place I can do that. Maybe there is some healing involved in that, too, but to me a large part of this board is just talking to people who understand what it's like to be me. Besides, if you don't check the boards, how can you continue to igore my giant flashing neon signs?
) I dont know why the WAS feel this need to continue to hurt and control, when they already hurt us so much. They won already. They caused the most hurt. Why pour salt in the wound? I really dont have insight into that because I cannot comprehend it. The only thing I can think of is that maybe in their minds they are so deeply wounded that they feel justified in making you suffer? THey think it will alleviate some of their pain? 
I find that for me, it is for companionship, things I can't say to any of my IRL friends, for example, my little rant on STBX not keeping his end of the S agreement. I never, ever complained about him to my friends in the 25 years we were M, and I'm not going to start now. But I feel like here's a place I can do that. Maybe there is some healing involved in that, too, but to me a large part of this board is just talking to people who understand what it's like to be me. Besides, if you don't check the boards, how can you continue to igore my giant flashing neon signs?