confused newbie 2

[Azzork]

Doing nothing is doing something, right? I just feel anxious, and don't like to also still. I know that anything I do won't help. Why is it so hard to do nothing?

Choosing to do nothing is so often the best choice. If doing something is going to take you further from your goal, why would you do it?

[dday]

W texted through most of s6 ballgame. S6 played well, even caught a popfly. Went with boys to another families house that has kids the same age. The dad mentioned that W has been different around them too. I mentioned that the other moms don't seem to sit with them anymore, and he said that they noticed that too. She is isolating herself a bit, and being shunned at the same time. I have noticed that the families that I am becoming closer to, she is trying to butt in. "Hey, can your boys come spend the night next week?" Etc. It's ironic to see W being pushed away from the very people she put in front of me and our M.

S4 told the other dad "if I win the wrestling match with xxx, I get to marry your daughter". We got a pretty good laugh out of that. Kids!

W said that she didn't feel good and was going home to bed. Seems s4 has shared his cold.

[dday]

Az, nothing I have done has helped for the last 6 months or so. So, I think I am doing LRT as best as I can right now. I am having trouble staying upbeat around her, partly because all I want to do is grab her and kiss her. I have been working on being shorter in talking to her. But I fear it comes across as me being an ass. But, I have done everything for her the last 6 months, and that didn't help. I have not allowed her to cake eat since Monday.

Some questions: what ways can I improve my use of LRT. What can I do to help me detach. I keep having this thought of asking her out on a date, but I know it's not the right time. I have succeeded the last few days at 0 pressure, I believe. I can start each day with the best and toughest intentions, but when I see her and she is being nice to me, I forget what my game plan is for a bit. Then I probably come across as cold when I get back to LRT.

Goal for this morning: organize this house a little better with help of the boys. At least I will feel and appear like something is in order!

[dday]

Boys are asking me again why we ate doing this. I am responding that I am not giving up on us being in the same house again. S6 says to give it a few weeks and maybe it will be ok. S4 says "daddy, why can't we work on it today?" S8 just gave me a hug. Love these guys! I keep telling them that family is most important, and should always be.

I am like s4, why can't this be fixed today! But I will have to be like s6, and hope the future is brighter.

[dday]

I believe there is a difference in the W who has a wayward heart, and the W who leaves b/c of other reasons. Does it matter what kind of approach to use? Well, MWD says to do what works. Trying to persuade a WW back into the M by doing everything she wants, doesn't work. Clinging to her, being needing, spending more time with her, giving her all your attention, etc., doesn't work. Taking all the blame for the MR breakdown, doesn't work. Cattering to her, doesn't work. Being the housekeeper, cook, and day care employee, doesn't work. So, if that's a man's idea of DBing........it won't work on a wayward. Not cowarding to her......works. Enforcing firm boundaries......work. Detaching........works. Gal often.........works. Not giving her the entitled princess treatment........works. Most of all, dropping the rope.......WORKS. from Sandi.

Ok, my W has told me she lost her respect for me. Definately rebellious, acts like a teenager and makes no sense when she talks... sometimes even about the boys. Resentment. Yeah, she says she can't trust my changes and won't believe that I won't "hurt" her again.

I HAVE to do this. For my self respect as well as to have a chance to get her back. Time to put it in action.

[Azzork]

Az, nothing I have done has helped for the last 6 months or so. So, I think I am doing LRT as best as I can right now. I am having trouble staying upbeat around her, partly because all I want to do is grab her and kiss her. I have been working on being shorter in talking to her. But I fear it comes across as me being an ass. But, I have done everything for her the last 6 months, and that didn't help. I have not allowed her to cake eat since Monday.

Some questions: what ways can I improve my use of LRT. What can I do to help me detach. I keep having this thought of asking her out on a date, but I know it's not the right time. I have succeeded the last few days at 0 pressure, I believe. I can start each day with the best and toughest intentions, but when I see her and she is being nice to me, I forget what my game plan is for a bit. Then I probably come across as cold when I get back to LRT.

Goal for this morning: organize this house a little better with help of the boys. At least I will feel and appear like something is in order!

How is asking her on a date keeping with LRT? How is it 0 pressure?

SHE FILED FOR DIVORCE THREE WEEKS AGO.

SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AS A HUSBAND RIGHT NOW.

remember this: peace does not necessarily equal progress. You can't be in LRT and still be buddy-buddy.

[Azzork]

Boys are asking me again why we ate doing this. I am responding that I am not giving up on us being in the same house again. S6 says to give it a few weeks and maybe it will be ok. S4 says "daddy, why can't we work on it today?" S8 just gave me a hug. Love these guys! I keep telling them that family is most important, and should always be.

I am like s4, why can't this be fixed today! But I will have to be like s6, and hope the future is brighter.

Be VERY careful here.
What you've told them ^^^ is "I want this to work." If you want it to work, and it's not working, then what MUST be true? That this is MOMMY'S fault.

I don't think you want to be driving a wedge between your W and the kids. You don't want them pressuring her.

Next time, just tell them that there are adult problems or something. You don't want to tell them too much. Focus on your relationship with them - not on the family unit as a whole.

[Azzork]

I believe there is a difference in the W who has a wayward heart, and the W who leaves b/c of other reasons. Does it matter what kind of approach to use? Well, MWD says to do what works. Trying to persuade a WW back into the M by doing everything she wants, doesn't work. Clinging to her, being needing, spending more time with her, giving her all your attention, etc., doesn't work. Taking all the blame for the MR breakdown, doesn't work. Cattering to her, doesn't work. Being the housekeeper, cook, and day care employee, doesn't work. So, if that's a man's idea of DBing........it won't work on a wayward. Not cowarding to her......works. Enforcing firm boundaries......work. Detaching........works. Gal often.........works. Not giving her the entitled princess treatment........works. Most of all, dropping the rope.......WORKS. from Sandi.

Ok, my W has told me she lost her respect for me. Definately rebellious, acts like a teenager and makes no sense when she talks... sometimes even about the boys. Resentment. Yeah, she says she can't trust my changes and won't believe that I won't "hurt" her again.

I HAVE to do this. For my self respect as well as to have a chance to get her back. Time to put it in action.

Patience. And time. Patience. And time.

This is why doing and saying nothing are often the best choice.

[dday]

I know az, I want to ask her to do something. I haven't, because I know it's not the right time. I hope that there is a right time again.

I have had 0 R talk for a few days. 0 pressure about anything. Just trying to listen a bit, and be busy enough to get back to the kids. I didn't walk into the house when I picked the boys up Thursday night. And she brought out toys and clothes and then a big container of soup. 2 of the boys won't eat it, so she planned on it being just for 1 boy and me.

I know don't believe anything right now.

[dday]

S4 got sick last night while camping. Huge mess on me, him, tent,etc. So W picked up big boys to go to church, and left me with S4. He seems much better now. W came in, got S6 and S8. Gave S4 an over the top show of affection. Told me she would get him on the way back. Then asked if I needed anything from the store. Again, confused. When we were on the phone, and about to hang up, she kinda hesitated before saying goodbye. Detach dammit! Detach.