Alligator Love

[Painter]

Zues, I'm the Queen Rug Sweeper, I've swept some very large things under the rug for about 20 years, and it's one thing I'm working on big-time. BUT, I agree with you here, to me the whole thing is just a variation in parenting styles, not a personal attack in either direction. I could have seen this whole thing play out with parents who were madly in love and committed to their M. In fact, I have seen it among my friends, Ws who complain that their Hs fed the kid hot dogs all weekend and didn't bathe them while they were away on a girls trip. The choice here is, do you criticize dad because he did it, or do you know it won't kill them and be grateful you got away on a little retreat? Your W chose the former, but it's not necessarily about you. Long way to say, I think you did fine, here.

It's a completely different situation in an intact M. The psychological impact on children who have had their world turned upside down is just worlds apart. They become sensitive to this in an entirely different way. The dynamic between the parents and the children change dramatically.

I guess I've seen enough cases of the irreversible damage to kids where I just can't ignore it. We talk here about how a D is so detrimental to the kids, how we can't understand our partners breaking up the home - and this is exactly how that damage occurs.

In this case, I would have sent an e-mail and asked that Ex talks directly to me if she has any concerns, and not to the kids, because it's putting them in the middle and not good for them.

If she wants primary physical custody, she'll better show that she's the better parent. Facilitating a relationship with the other parent doesn't mean just making them available. It also means not doing anything to diminish the children's feelings for the other parent (that's the language of the law). And that's exactly what a parent does when they talk like that about the other parent. It may seem like a little thing, but it has a big effect on children. It can also backfire and make the child defensive of the critiqued parent. Either way, it puts the child in the middle, tears them apart. If a parent criticizes one parent, she or he also criticizes the child. The child isn't able to verbalize that, but that's what they feel, because they are part of that parent.

Once this damage has occured, you can't turn the clock back. That is why so many fathers lose contact with their children when they are teenagers - they have been taught to disrespect the father, look at him as a secondary parent, and that when they have friends and activities that take up their time, they don't have to go visit their dad (yes, they see it as a visit, because mom has established herself firmly as the primary parent in the primary home). And dad didn't want to rock the boat.

I'll let this go now - I just wanted to point out that this happening in an intact home doesn't have the same ramifications.

I'm on the other side of this, having lived in a D family for 15 years, and worked with hundreds of divorced families in the same situation. I just want to share my experience so this doesn't have to happen to others.