Tinydoc's first post, 5 months in.

[TDball]

Hi Everyone,
I've been reading DB for the past 5 months, but now feel the need to post. Despite reading these boards, I have failed at divorce busting in almost every way possible.

My husband left around 5 months ago. We were married for 3 years. The month before he left, I got the ILYBINILWY. Things were downhill from there. I knew he wasn't happy for a while, and I wasn't either, but we had a lot going against us (I'm in residency and he is underemployed.) I thought things would get better soon, because I was almost done with the most grueling year of residency, but he didn't wait it out. He told me he wanted a divorce over the phone when I was in another state for work. I begged and pleaded and convinced him to stay, but a week later I got home from work and he had left to stay with a friend. He insisted that it wasn't necessarily permanent, that he just needed space to think, without pressure, but I couldn't handle the idea that he wanted to see if he was happier without me. He agreed to marriage counseling, but after the first session he said he couldn't do this anymore. Somehow after begging and pleading, I convinved him to stay, and he moved back home.

For the next two weeks he stayed in the house, but the voice in the back of my head was telling me that I was holding on to someone who didn't really want to be with me. And of course everything I did annoyed him, and he spent most of his time online or watching tv. Finally I told him calmly that if he wanted to leave, he should just go. He said ok, called his best friend, and left the next morning. That was 4.5 months ago.

I begged, pleaded, etc etc but it didn't work anymore. He insisted there was nobody else. Things were pretty terrible and I would beg him to talk to me, and he would just tell me how he didn't love me anymore, he checked out over a year ago, I was a terrible partner etc. he was so angry. He told me things like how he wasn't honest with himself when he married me, we misrepresented ourselves and we couldn't rekindle our love because it was based on something that never existed. He said he had zero interest in working on our marriage, and he just wanted to be done.

One day I ran into him, and told him I missed him, and he said he missed me too, and we talked for a little, and he said maybe we should see the marriage counselor because he realized he did love me once. I told him I would be willing to go, but when I asked him about it a few days later, he said that he meant we should see them in 5 months from now, and only to talk about where we both were, because he wasn't sure reconciliation even made sense.

A few weeks later I found out that he had started sleeping with someone soon after he moved out. Realistically, I'm aware that it probably started before he left. He said she was someone random, who had also just gotten out of a relationship. He told me to just imagine someone who embodied everything I hated, and I wouldn't be far from the truth. Once I found that out, I realized this was over, and I couldn't see myself being with him again (not that the option was ever presented to me). That was about two months ago. It was more than just a one night stand because they became facebook friends a month later. Yes, I have stopped checking his page entirely since then.

Things have been terrible since then, and all of our interactions are pretty unpleasant. Finally I started the divorce process, because I knew he would never get around to it, and I didn't want to be married to someone who was sleeping with someone else.

But I just feel so awful and so empty. I miss him terribly, I miss being married, and I feel so betrayed. And it's hard to accept that he stopped loving me. But at the same time, I can't see us back together again. So I'm not really sure where I fit in on these boards, because there's nothing left to divorce bust. I want him back, I miss my husband, but he's not worth fighting for anymore. But need help moving on, because I still try to provoke him, just for attention.

I know I need to GAL and detach. I hope that by posting here I will finally get the motivation and support to do so.