Since our last session last Friday (and the announcement), space is all she has gotten. We only talk about normal, everyday stuff - nothing about us, our relationship, or our future. I must say, its been six months since she first mentioned divorce and everyday is just as painful.
On Monday, I took a day off of work and went to my favorite thinking place back up in the woods. I also met with my own counselor Wednesday. My time alone, and the counselor, helped me to see a lot things more clearly. I found myself, what I wanted, and what I had to do. It's like a weight has been lifted - I haven't texted or called my wife while she is at work unless necessary - and that did not go unnoticed.
Sometimes the W and I discuss our separate counseling sessions and sometimes we don't. She did ask about it - and about my thinking time.
So, I took her outside away from the kids and told her this:
"I won't talk about us or our future, but I do have some things to say. I am not looking for an answer from you and you don't have to say anything. I know I was unfair to you and to us. When we first started counseling, we each made a list of things we would like to change/fix/whatever. I ask that you make a new one now for me - not for saving our marriage, not for what I need to do to help me, just the same list as before but now. I have been working on myself and know what I need to do. Also, I am going to say this - I believe in you and I believe in us. I don't know what our future holds, but if we do reconcile, then we need to sell this place (due to issues from my family that played a part of her original complaint) and move somewhere for a fresh start in between both our families (we had actually already discussed doing this if we did reconcile)."
I didn't say that I loved her because she already knows that. Nor did I try to convince her of anything. I just made a simple statement of what I came up with after my alone time. Was it overboard? Was it bad to say? I had been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but at least she didn't shoot it down. I just don't know. I am trying to hard to disconnect and detach but that is oh so hard to do.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
