I will try to keep this short. My wife and I have been married 23 years and have be together for almost 28 years. Our grown children are in college and do not live at home but are home frequently for holidays, long weekends, etc. Our marital history has been one of many ups and downs with long periods of mutual dispassion and non-communication. It has been years since we have been intimate. For my part, I grew up in an abusive household when I was a child and have always retreated into myself whenever I felt threatened or rejected. Through therapy and a recent moment of clarity (I will explain shortly), I now realize that coping and survival mechanisms that worked as a child don’t translate to a 30, 40, or 50 year old adult male. The marriage evolved to a point at which we were just living as roommates with very little if any communication between us. We could and did attend many social functions as a couple with mutual friends, relatives, etc. but it was mostly a front as any real mutual connection was missing. The pattern was pretty much status quo for years until one of us (almost always me) would force a confrontation that would lead to a discussion about either working harder on the relationship or more recently, discussion of separation/divorce.
About three months ago, I was involved in a major head on collision that I was extremely lucky to survive. All who saw the accident and its outcome have said that I should not be here today. And amazingly, my injuries although serious, were much less than they could or should have been and I have healed remarkably quickly. In the weeks after my accident, as I started my physical healing process I also noticed that something within me on a deeper emotional level had or was changing as well. I could not put my finger on it, but with time and after much retelling and reliving of the accident, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that I had never thought about dying during my ordeal, all I thought about was living. But what did living mean? For me it meant that I was only going to look forward from this point on. All of the resentment, anger, hurt, and other baggage from the past has somehow melted away. It was quite an enlightening experience.
However, almost simultaneously with this realization on my part, I discovered that my wife had begun an emotional affair with a former high school classmate of hers. I confronted her on it and she said she "was just talking with a friend, something that we never do". I told her that I was not naïve, "friends" do not text message each other over 200 times in one day, and I knew that it was more than just friends. She also announced right then than she wanted to end our marriage. That we had 23 years to get it right but if we couldn’t in that time why are we both still wasting our time. She said we both would be happier if we got out now and moved on. She said she had planned to tell me this on the day of my accident (3 weeks prior) when I got home, but then I had the accident and it changed her timing. Further, she added that she had a very strong vision that it was over and she needed to respect these feelings within her.
The same day she made this announcement, we visited our daughter about 2 hours away as it had been planned for some time. During our car ride there, I was able to ask her questions and talk about things that I had been previously too angry or resentful to discuss. My previous attitude had always been, "if she doesn't care enough to tell me about certain things, then I will never ask about them". We actually had a pretty good day together and both remarked on it later. Later that evening I told her then I am trying to look at life not through a lens of anger and resentment anymore. Her comment was that she understands why people give up and move on because it's so much easier to do so without dealing with the baggage.
Since that time, on at least two occasions she has reiterated her intentions to go forward with the separation. On one of these occasions, I told her that the accident has changed my outlook on life and I again have feelings for her that I have not had since the early days of our relationship. I told her that I love her that I can see a future together for us and that I was committed to making this work. I only told her this on this one occasion and I have not made it an ongoing topic of discussion.
I have not asked her any specific details related to timing of the separation or anything else. On one hand I have been trying to do the opposite (180) of my actions for so many years. I've actually been home most evenings not working late as I had previously. I have initiated discussions and we have talked more then I can remember. She has even commented that we have had more discussion in the last 2 months in the last 23 years. I have kept all of these discussions light with no talk about the future or our relationship. However, she is pretty distant and cold towards me. I have studied the DR book and spent a lot of time on this site as well. I know that her emotional affair has been intensifying and I'm pretty sure she has plans to meet in person soon. I have many questions and I'm a little confused as to how to handle some things going forward. I have read some of Sandi's good comments and perspectives on this board related to a WAW and detachment. Her comments on tough love seem appropriate in my instance, but I am not sure. I guess I could summarize some of my questions as follows:
1. I am trying to do the opposite of what I have for so many years where I was silent and we could go weeks without any real discussion between us. Do I initiate discussion with her (opposite of my previous actions) or is this too smothering? Some of the techniques in both of the book as well as on here describe detachment or aloofness and in some ways that would not be the opposite for me. So I'm a little confused as to how I should act.
2. I have not broached the topic of her emotional affair since our initial discussion yes I know it is continuing. I drafted a note to her but essentially told her that I understood why she was seeking an emotional connection because that had been lacking from me for so long. I further stated that I knew her emotional affair was escalating and knew she had plans to meet and let her know how this made me feel and that it was not acceptable to me. But I have not run this conversation with her and at this point do not think that I will. Should I say anything more to her say anything more to her about my knowledge there or do I let it lay there?
3. She is planning a weekend a way to meet him in about 3 weeks. She has already started laying the groundwork fabricating the reason why she will be gone that weekend. Do I continue to let her weave this lie without saying anything? Do I just sit back and let her go on this weekend when I know what it will entail? If so, do I confront her when she returns telling her that I know the real reason for her trip ? Upon her return do I ask that she no longer sleep in the same bed (as Sandi has suggested in some of her other comments)?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks. My original post was so long that I thought I would just restate my questions here:
1. I am trying to do the opposite of what I have for so many years where I was silent and we could go weeks without any real discussion between us. Do I initiate discussion with her (opposite of my previous actions) or is this too smothering? Some of the techniques in both of the book as well as on here describe detachment or aloofness and in some ways that would not be the opposite for me. So I'm a little confused as to how I should act.
2. I have not broached the topic of her emotional affair since our initial discussion yes I know it is continuing. I drafted a note to her but essentially told her that I understood why she was seeking an emotional connection because that had been lacking from me for so long. I further stated that I knew her emotional affair was escalating and knew she had plans to meet and let her know how this made me feel and that it was not acceptable to me. But I have not run this conversation with her and at this point do not think that I will. Should I say anything more to her say anything more to her about my knowledge there or do I let it lay there?
3. She is planning a weekend a way to meet him in about 3 weeks. She has already started laying the groundwork fabricating the reason why she will be gone that weekend. Do I continue to let her weave this lie without saying anything? Do I just sit back and let her go on this weekend when I know what it will entail? If so, do I confront her when she returns telling her that I know the real reason for her trip ? Upon her return do I ask that she no longer sleep in the same bed (as Sandi has suggested in some of her other comments)?
1) NO, it is also pursuing and that is not what you want to do right now. If she initiates the conversation - maybe that is when you do a 180.
2) No same as above.
3) I would either state your boundaries or just enforce them. Like if she is going to be involved with someone else then you will not be involved with her.
Do not leave the MBR or the house - let her do that.
Wife still remains very distant...just trying to stay positive and happy when she is around me. Still struggling with how to confront her about her ongoing and escalating relationship with the OM.
