Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Optimism is in full bloom. My very empty home is now so fabulous thanks to relatives cleaning out clutter that has been collected. I am far from an interior decorator and honestly I have been just collecting things for function until I could buy new, but the pieces I got, when all put in my living room, looks so gorgeous. I feel like it is a bed and breakfast. I really thought that everything was going to look like a hodgepodge mess, but it all goes so perfectly together you would think I had a designer come in and choose the pieces specifically for me.

Even my BJs futon looks decadent with all of the nice classic peices. Even the colors all go. And pairing colors is far from my strong point. I think that God is working as an interior designer for me. LOL.

I still have major heartache when I have to drop the kids off on Mondays, so what I have been doing is pretending that it is a bed and breakfast. And after I drop them off I pretend I am the maid and do the housekeeping, getting the place reset for when they come back. I even keep the dining room table set, with fancy napkin folding skills I have been learning. It takes the sting out of the emptiness. And I am always ready for company. In our old home we were never ready for company. There was so much clutter and the cheap furniture was all falling apart. it was a disaster. We never had guests.

I ended up having a small dinner party for my parents and aunt on Tuesday, because Tuesdays still sting. OVer the summer I used Tuesdays for my GAL adventures, but now that summer is over there is very little going on.

I know that the big thing is that I really do need a job. The lonliness is making me let my guard down with my new friends. And I think it is also making me send mixed messages to the one I was talking about before. I am not ready for a relationship. I know that. But I am lonely so I think I send out vibes, and then I pull back. And I think that he is responding to that by doing the same. I'm playing a game without meaning to.

Once I start working again maybe that loneliness will go away a bit. I also met with the lawyer today and I am feeling good about things to come. I should start to see some support from him--and hopefully we will be able to rework the custody schedule to something more balanced. It is 50/50, but I have them all of the weekends. That means I am not there for them during the week much (just the end of the week) and he never has them on the weekend. I am hoping we can alternate full weeks. That way they will not have so many transitions during the week, and I will be able to GAL on weekends occassionally.