My wife left the house

[Cadet]

You knew i didnt want a broken home and took advantage of that and thought id never leave, but i also have self respect .

I think Azzork is on the right track.
I would also suggest that you look at this too.

MHO is your wife is looking for a MAN
someone that will stand up to her and lead.

You need to make some real changes and not
just follow all her directions.

How can you be a better father?

[WhyUs]

One other thing I want to mention regarding the email. Her perspective is her reality right now. You will not be able to change that overnight. You can understand it and work with it. Put yourself in her shoes. If you felt the way she says she feels what would you do? Would you want a divorce? What would it take for you to change your perspective?

I am not saying her perspective is accurate or correct, but it is her perspective and that is what you have to work with. She is telling you some important stuff about how she feels... humiliated, neglected, harrassed and exhausted.

[angel r]

She has felt neglected - Because I am just there, always tired. I don't talk much. I dont have initiative to start anything like family stuff. How can i have that energy when i work 7 days a week in order to keep her happy? She did threaten me she would leave if i didnt figure out something financially because 60k a year wasnt cutting it. She is a stay at home mom and not willing to work, i had to figure it out myself. we barely got intimate since she was always mad about everything (trash not taking out), i felt neglected.

exhausted - by having to push me for everything. Again me not having initiative. Ive been exhausted too, and i had to deal with it. According to her it was my fault i work so much because i didnt go to college like she suggested. So i have to face the consequences.

Humiliation - I have no clue where she is getting this from since i have never done such thing. Better yet ive been humiliated by her in several occasions. I was told by her to stop talking to my best friend since childhood which i did. I was told by her me working 7 days a week is nothing for her since she had to tell me to do it. So it doesnt count. The only reason she is a stay at home is because she had to tell me she want it to be one, not because i offered it , so not to take credit for it.

harassed - im guessing she is referring to me following her and finding out she is living in a woman shelter. What would you do if you didnt know where your daughters were ? Im pretty sure any parent would go to the extreme. She is being selfish for making my daughters live through that experience since her pride is so big to reach out to family. Her insecurities are hidden by her pride , and pretty soon her ego will kill was left inside.

[ILYNOT]

You didn't break her therefore you cannot fix her.

Let her face the harsh realities of separation and D, maybe then REALITY will have hit her so hard, she might just consider coming back.

For now, give her the space she needs.

Get a L to gain custody of your daughters.

Patience, prayer. Work on yourself.

[Fogg]

I've been reading your thread for a while now and have been meaning to do a long post to ask some questions and make some observations. Internet at home was down and I can't do the post I would like on the phone. If you could, post some more details about your interactions and history with her, what you would fight/argue about and what each would say. Expand on when she pushed you to work more/what were thr financial reasons and what else was going on during that time. The reason I was interested in your thread is that I get a specific vibe from your comments that reminds me of me and my W and I'm almost sure there's more to this than the way you have explained it so far that you may not see/ understand. I've been in both the working and stay at home side so I also understand both sides of that position.

Go back and think about what you have typed in the last reply to whyus because I can already point out a couple things that contradict some of your answers. To me that shows you need to do some self reflection and really think about your role in the breakdown of your M, because 1/2 of it was you.

[angel r]

thanks for your reply "whyus" several friends of mine and hers as well say the same thing. She needs a reality check, because i took all of her demands and made them happen. I took all her beating and never fought back. Even my church counselor was outraged by her answers and actions, they question me on how i can stand there like nothing happen and how im dealing with all this. I am just a calm guy. I just hope she would realize all this, but by her attitude and how big of an ego and pride she has she will never realize until is to late.

[Sotto]

Hi Angel R - from what others are posting, you are being encouraged to think about your part in the marital breakdown. But from what you are posting, it sounds as though you have yourself pegged firmly as the 'wronged party' here.

I presume if you are posting on this site, you'd like to try and save your marriage. But I don't think you are going to move forward if you maintain your current attitude and beliefs about the marriage. You seem quite entrenched in your view that it was unreasonable for her to be unhappy because you did X for her and Y. But the fact is, she was unhappy and if you can dig deep and understand why, that may help you move forward here.

I'm not saying she is without blame (for want of a better word) here. But I'm sure if I met up with her for coffee tomorrow, I would hear a whole different story - her part. I'm also not saying you were a bad husband. Heck, I don't think I was a bad W, but my H had an A with someone else. But, we all make mistakes and it helps to own these so that we don't go around the same loop - either with someone else or if we reconcile.

So, if you can let go of the whole - isn't she awful and she has wronged me and all our friends agree - perspective, that may help. Did you read DR or DB yet? If not, I recommend them & they will help you understand more about the recommended approach.

Good luck with things.

[Azzork]

I will comment in blue

She has felt neglected - Because I am just there, always tired. What are you doing about this? Are you sleeping better? Are you doing things to improve your energy level? I don't talk much. Another 180 possibility? Is it low self confidence? What can you do about this? I dont have initiative to start anything like family stuff. Is this the kind of father you want to be? What is stopping you from becoming that? How can i have that energy when i work 7 days a week in order to keep her happy? She did threaten me she would leave if i didnt figure out something financially because 60k a year wasnt cutting it. She is a stay at home mom and not willing to work, i had to figure it out myself. So, in you words, youve been killing yourself to try to make financial ends meet while she stays at home and spends all of the money. That doesnt sound like much of a partnership. Why did you accept to doing all of this? we barely got intimate since she was always mad about everything (trash not taking out), i felt neglected. so, if I understand correctly, you felt neglected, so, in turn, you neglected her. Correct? Zues has written about a game where you and your spouse each pick a card to play every day 1-10 (and Im probably going to get some aspect of it wrong, but here goes). 10 being head over heels in love and happy with everything and 1 being essentially abuse. At the start of your relationship, I imagine you both played 10s every day. But maybe one of you had a bad day, so you play a 9. Then the other person thinks, "why did they play a 9? whats wrong with them? well, Im not happy, Ill play an 8". And so one down the line, until you are both throwing 2s and 3s. Nobody FORCED you to play it; you CHOOSE to play it. Unfortunately, by the time you realize whats happening, its too late.

exhausted - by having to push me for everything.so she pushed you for everything. Where was your initiative? Again me not having initiative. oh. got it. So, how were you acting like a husband? It sounds more like another child she had to manage. Ive been exhausted too, and i had to deal with it. But you already said your "dealing with it" was just "being there, tired". How about the examples she gave of counseling, etc. It sounds like you didnt deal with it in a healthy way. According to her it was my fault i work so much because i didnt go to college like she suggested. So i have to face the consequences. Nobody is FORCING you to work so much. You chose to do it for one reason or another. Again, it sounds like you guys needed to have some discussions about finances long ago.

Humiliation - I have no clue where she is getting this from since i have never done such thing She IS at a shelter...by her choice yes, but its still something that she felt she needed to do based on your actions. . Better yet ive been humiliated by her in several occasions. I was told by her to stop talking to my best friend since childhood which i did. I was told by her me working 7 days a week is nothing for her since she had to tell me to do it. So it doesnt count. The only reason she is a stay at home is because she had to tell me she want it to be one, not because i offered it , so not to take credit for it. There is so much score-keeping here. Who gets "credit" for what. Who humiliated who. You have to lose the score pad or you will never have a chance here. The point is to be in HER shoes and understand HER perspective.

harassed - im guessing she is referring to me following her and finding out she is living in a woman shelter. What would you do if you didnt know where your daughters were ? Look, I understand. But following her is probably not legal either. I would have hightailed it to a lawyer's office or police station, I think. Im pretty sure any parent would go to the extreme. If I was worried they were abducted by strangers, yes. If they were with my W? probably not THAT extreme. She is being selfish for making my daughters live through that experience since her pride is so big to reach out to family. Her insecurities are hidden by her pride , and pretty soon her ego will kill was left inside. I wouldnt try to determine the reason behind her actions. Pride? Maybe. Maybe theres other stuff going on you dont know about? Maybe it's shame? Who knows. I think you should stop trying to psychoanalyze her and worry instead about all the stuff up there for you to work on.

[WhyUs]

Okay, So it looks like you understand why she may feel the way she does. It is obvious that you do not agree. I, like many others am in that same boat. But you have to realize you will not be able to fight her on these. Try to think about what you can do to change this.

examples...

Neglected. Don't just be there. I know you are tired, do what it takes to show her you are there. Maybe you need to change your diet for energy--who knows. Just make that sacrifice no matter how hard it is. Now this may not be possible right now since she is not living with you.

Exhausted. You said it. Start taking initiative. Beat her to the punch when you can.

Humiliation. Don't worry about how you have been humiliated right now. Listen to her, try to understand why she has felt humiliated. If you disagree you still need to validate her feelings.

Harassed. Stop following her. Stop pursuing her. Your reasons are definitely valid. But if she is feeling this way you have to change your actions. Don't try to justify what you have already done. She will figure it out and understand on her own eventually.

Do you have anything in mind to help in these areas?

[WhyUs]

Looks like I have been beaten to the punch. You have three people telling you essentially the same thing. Try to grasp what we are saying. You can do this!