Oooooh, I think I'm going to go with Ellie's explanation; makes me feel much better to think that!! heheh!!
Thanks for dropping by everyone, and Betsey, you've given me lots of things to think about. First, congrats on your book. I do hope that you publish it some day because I'm sure it's a story that people would love to read, but how great for you that you actually accomplished writing it, that's awesome!!!
You asked:
Quote: Was this really the case or does he have a tendency to squash you when you need a boost?
Hmm, good question. I really think it was a little of both. I haven't always had the highest self-esteem, and often times looked to H (unfairly I realize now) to validate me when I should have been able to validate myself. However, he wasn't always the best at giving me credit when it was due, or even propping me up when I needed it. Maybe that's because he got tired of constantly having to be the one to validate me? Not sure, it's definitely something to ponder though.
In the days surrounding the bomb he made a comment to me that I've mulled over a lot. He said: I've never been able to give you what you need. I've never been able to make you happy. You've had the same complaints about me years ago that you do now. Evidently he'd happened upon a letter I'd written him a few years ago which was complaining about things that I still complained about. It's taken me a few months to realize that he never did, and never is, going to make me happy. I have to do that for myself. It's my responsibility, not his. Now that doesn't mean I'm taking the blame for everything, but I do know that I put way too much pressure and blame on him for things that were never his fault or responsibility.
An update on the weekend, you say?!? Okay....
Thursday I mentioned a concert to him that I had mentioned the previous week, and asked if he'd like to go. The concert was in Tucson, and we're in Phoenix, so it's about an hour & a half away. The guy is a musician we both love. He said on Thursday he wasn't sure, but remind him on Friday and he'd think about it. I said okay, and was doing really well acting cool & as if (cause it was genuine!). I asked if he didn't go if I could borrow 'his' car to make the drive, and he said sure. So Friday rolls around and he says he doesn't feel like going. Too tired he says. (I knew he would decline, he has declined almost every invite I've extended to him, which haven't been many. It's almost like he wants to be contrary to me and let me know he is in charge of what he does. He has no problem asking me to do stuff, but when I ask him he always has an excuse.) But whatever, I was going with or without him!!! He called me in the afternoon to see if I'd gotten the cell phone yet that I'd been talking about getting. Said he was really worried about me being alone and really wanted me to get the phone before I went. I agreed that was probably a good idea, and got the phone. We decided I'd bring the dog by his place for the weekend and then switch cars on my way out of town. When I got to his place we hung out for a bit, I think he was pretty shocked that I was actually going to go through with this. Well I did!! He asked me to call when I'd arrived, which I did, and then he called me mid-concert just to make sure I was okay. I let it go to VM. He asked me to call when I was on my way home, which I did. He also called me during my drive back to make sure I was alright. I got back to his place about 1:30 in the morning and was super excited about my trip. I mentioned the guy was a phenomenal guitar player. He said I should have been like a groupie and hitting on the guy after the show. I said, nah, that's alright, although I could have because he was hanging around afterwards. H said, you missed your chance, and I said that was fine! Now here's the cute thing, H made me a mug of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows for my drive home!!! I couldn't believe it! H isn't a hot chocolate drinker at all, nevermind marshmallows! I wonder if he bought it that night just for me? Don't know, but I thought that was so sweet.
Saturday was relatively quiet, we chatted on the phone once for a few minutes.
This afternoon he came over to drop off the dog on his way to his grandma's for Easter. We hung out for about 45 minutes. He was really chatty and fun. We talked some about upcoming moving and house stuff. He commented that it was really too bad we were selling the house now because it was looking so great (Since the S I've hired a landscaper to take care of the yard and I've kept the inside really nice). I agreed that it was looking really great lately. He also commented that it was strange to be back at the house (he hasn't been here in a while), but that it was really cozy here. He said he didn't think his apartment was very cozy. Then, another shocker: he gave me an Easter gift! He got me a pack of peeps, a decorated plastic egg with M&M's inside and a card. The card was so cute. On the front it said: Happy Easter from both of us. Inside he signed: love dog & h.
This was especially shocking because in the last few years he's been pretty unthoughtful on special occasions. I'm a big card & gift giver, and he used to be, but not so much recently. So, counting this as a baby step.
I think I've successfully gotten myself out of the rut I was in last week, and I'm feeling pretty good. I think a lot of it had to do with my concert. I've never gone to a show by myself, let alone driven 120 miles by myself to go to one. It was really fun though, and I was really proud of myself for doing it!! Yeah me!! heheh!
For now, I'm actually looking forward to my upcoming move. I know it will be emotional as it gets closer, but I really do feel it's the right thing for me and for us. I feel like this house and all the stuff in it was weighing us down. Feels good to lose the dead weight...
