Hey all-
Been a quiet few days around here. Not a whole lot of interaction with H, I've been busy and trying to adjust to the idea of moving out of our house.

Over the weekend I was super busy working on a project for the job I'm hoping to land. I had a follow-up interview with them Monday to present my project. I talked to H on Sunday night when I called to let him know our realtor had dropped off a paper for us to sign. He asked how my project was going, and mentioned that he'd been thinking about it but didn't call because he knew that he couldn't always be worrying about me and trying to fix my problems. I wasn't sure how to respond, but he continued talking so I didn't get a chance to respond.

Monday was a bit of a backslide day for me... I stopped by H's work on the way to my interview so that he could sign the paper from the realtor. We chatted a little and then he mentioned he'd like to see my project. I was super nervous about showing it to him because I wasn't feeling totally confident about it. I jokingly told him even if he thought it was crap he had to tell me how great it was because I needed the ego boost. We walked over to my car and I showed him my project. He wasn't negative but he wasn't positive either. As much as I didn't want to, I started to cry. Then he started feeling bad and tried to back pedal and tell me it was good, etc. I was so mad at myself for my reaction to him. One of my hugest challenges after the bomb has been to build myself up. To know that I am as great as I want to be. But I felt all that fly out the window when I was standing there showing him my project and seeking his approval. I knew my project was good, but when I was with him I didn't. I was waiting for him to tell me it was good and I was instantly disappointed when he didn't say what I wanted to hear. After my interview I went to put an apartment on hold, and the combination of the two really had me bummed out. When I got home H had left a VM apologizing for upsetting me. Said he thought my project was good and that all I could do was just continue to practice if I wasn't happy with my work. He also sent me an email, a portion of which said:

You shouldn't have been nervous showing them to me. Who am I anyway? I don't know anything about this stuff. I am sure the people looked at them and saw a lot more than I did, simply because my eye doesn't see these things. I have to rely on the fact that I know you are passionate, hard-working and knowledgeable, and I trust that all those things translate into a competent project from you. It was stupid of me to sit there and try to intellectualize your project, and it just made you feel bad. I am sorry. Don't worry about trying to impress me, anyway. I am very impressed by what you are doing with these interviews...

I think the worst part of this interaction was that it was a typical interaction from our old life. He would do something that would unintentionally upset me. Then he would feel really bad and apologize and I would try to gloss it all over like everything was fine. This is exactly the kind of interaction I've been trying to get away from. I don't want to be so emotional and depend on others for my confidence and happiness, but I guess in stressful times that old dynamic just comes flying right back.

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day, no e-mail contact from H, but he was in a training all day. Then he called last night but I was on the other line, so it was very brief, just asking if I was going to stop by his place today and when I might be by (I was supposed to borrow a sander from him on Monday but forgot to get it when I saw him).

Today was another quiet day on e-mail. I stopped by his apartment after going into the office. I was greeted by the mopey and depressed H. I was there for about 45 mins, but that was really stretching it. He was just so mopey and depressed. When he's like that it's hard to have a convo with him because he's so withdrawn. Unfortunatly I think I slipped into old behavior a little again and started to over-compensate for his quiet by being more chatty. Not too bad, but probably more than I should have. There was a little bit of light joking and teasing from him, but not much. One interesting thing to note, we were right in the middle of talking when he got up and walked to his bedroom and took off his shorts (boxers underneath ). From where I was sitting on the couch I could see him, and of course I was watching him cause we were in the middle of a convo. He grabbed some jeans and moved to a part of his bedroom where I couldn't see him anymore to put on the jeans. Could have been nothing, but seemed weird that he would spontaneaously get up and disrobe, but then be uncomfortable with me seeing him. Who knows, I could be over-reading that one.

Anyhow, he initiated me leaving by saying that he was going to go run some errands and walked out with me.

I'm feeling a bit bummed out overall. Tough to get used to the idea of selling the house and packing and moving into a place all by myself. But it's going to be happening sooner than later! Closing on the house is april 30th. Also feels a bit weird to be spending my first holiday alone (Easter). We never made a big deal out of it, but we always spent it with his family. He mentioned that he was going over to his grandma's this Sunday to get together with his family. Makes it worse that I don't have any family out here at all except his. Oh, well. I'll get through it just like every other day.

Feeling like I should set some goals, but don't really know where to begin. Any input??