Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

Hey Mozza, haven't heard from you in a while either! Yes, it's been a VERY eventful summer. I don't know if you caught the bad babysitter episode, but I also fired her and have hired another one. (The bad babysitter could be like a spin-off...) And tomorrow morning I have a hearing that will make it possible for me to get the decree. After that, I guess it's just ordinary life as a single mom. I can't even imagine what it's like to live drama-free. Guess I won't have to, since I have a 12yo daughter.

I can't muster the first bit of interest in dating, although I really hope someone comes along before too long who makes me smile. And who I can make smile in return. One of those really good, light up your face, can't believe your luck kind of smiles. It would be nice to wear one of those, and to give it to someone else as well.

I do appreciate the interest and it's nice to hear that my happiness makes others happy too. I am so enormously blessed. My goal is to be more of a blessing to others and to pay forward and back the generosity and support I have received in the last two years.

[Maybell]

My house is coming together. My parents came up to visit, which was a decidedly mixed experience. Work is terrible -- my boss yelled at me every day this past week, which has lit a fire under me to start looking for something new very seriously. I hope I can hold out and defuse some of the abuse I've been taking. (She accused me of losing files, every one of which was found in her office during an on-going remodel. Among other things that she has bullied me about...) she's the business owner so there's no going over her head. It's take it or leave.

One thing I find myself really struggling with id love some input on. The ex has been traveling extensively and I've had the kids three weeks at a time without even a weeknight break. The kids are with me constantly, and I'm glad to have them, though I do get really worn out. But he's the hero when he spends time with them and I am struggling not to resent it. I want them to be as thrilled to be with me as they say they are to be with him.

They are entitled to love their dad. It's not a competition. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for how to get my heart right? Mr. Fantastic has been making gestures showing he'd like to be closer to me but I can't have it and stay emotionally protected. Any thoughts on dealing with that too?

[Maybell]

Maybe this is part of the healing process, but here's one other thing I want to get off my chest:

A lot of people have been asking when will I be ready to look for another relationship? I'm in a place where I'm really happy to be by myself (one really cute guy said in shock, "you mean NO guy?!?") although it would be nice to meet someone I liked just to do stuff with.

I looked at that deeper today and it feels like it comes from feeling still so betrayed and angry that Mr. Fantastic just walked out on us so he could cruise bars and Tinder and play Xbox and watch porn. I'm so skeptical that anyone could find me lovable enough to be worth committing to.

My parents were up last week and terrifically helpful with the house. But my mom was screaming at me one afternoon because I didn't call more regularly while I was in the depths of all of this. She said I'd treated her horribly because I didn't call to let her know I was ok, so she was really careful to call and only talk to me for three minutes. When I tried to talk through everything with her she just got more and more defensive and angry and finally just shut me down. And so I don't have any idea how to communicate with her.

I understand I have to take her for who she is and I do try to do that. But between the way my marriage worked out, what happened with my therapist, the bullying I'm taking from my boss, and my mom's dysfunctions, I really struggle with my sense of self-worth. It's a daily struggle to remember that those relationships are not the final word on my value as a person.

I'm quite sure someone (most of you) will say it's time to find a new therapist. I can't help but feel unwilling to make myself vulnerable and available for one more person to blatantly use me for their own purposes.

I see now that this fear that I'm not truly lovable is also at the heart of my fear that the kids will love their Disney dad more than they love me. I already knew it was the center of my disinterest in seeking out another relationship. (That and I want to enjoy being my own captain for a good long while). I'm not sure if I'm asking for answers so much as just process my feelings in a place where getting them out might help me heal.

[SunnyB]

One thing I find myself really struggling with id love some input on. The ex has been traveling extensively and I've had the kids three weeks at a time without even a weeknight break. The kids are with me constantly, and I'm glad to have them, though I do get really worn out. But he's the hero when he spends time with them and I am struggling not to resent it. I want them to be as thrilled to be with me as they say they are to be with him.

They are entitled to love their dad. It's not a competition. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for how to get my heart right? Mr. Fantastic has been making gestures showing he'd like to be closer to me but I can't have it and stay emotionally protected. Any thoughts on dealing with that too?

Maybell, kids are smart. Sure, they enjoy Disney dad, but who are they going to turn to when they need a real parent? It's going to be you. That's gold, sweetie. Stacey and I talk about our X's clutter-free, teenager-free luxury apartments and know that we'd never trade in the time with our children to get it. Your H is the one losing out here and in a big way. That will become more obvious as your kids get older and Disney Dad loses his appeal and mom is where they want to spend their time.

I don't know that you need to get your heart right as much as you need a break. When Mr. Fantastic isn't available to take the kids, hire that babysitter. Then do whatever makes you feel recharged, whether it's go out with friends, or stay at home in the bathtub. You need some time for MB, and that's something you have to be in charge of. It's important.

As far as spending time with X, I'm the one who would prefer to be closer friends, but he's not interested. In your case, it's your call. If you don't want to be closer, just don't. Set it up so that your contact is limited if that's what makes you feel better. Maybe in time you'll want to be closer, but there's no requirement for it right now. If you need to explain that to X, then don't hesitate to do that.

I'm going to sign up for the MB needs an IC bandwagon. I remember how the last one went down in flames and understand how you'd be hesitant to open up again. But that's something we are all going to have to come to grips with, opening up and taking the risk of being hurt again, whether from a date or an IC or a boss or an X. Because sealing ourselves off emotionally is no way to go through life.

MB, you seem stuck, and as I pointed out to RD the other day, sometimes that's OK. We all need spaces in which to consolidate and re-group before we can move on. But consider how much longer you need to be in this place. Are you ready to move on?

[Maybell]

Sunny, thanks for that nice thoughtful answer. I've been really brewing on it for the last week.

In the meantime the child support check was late and when I objected Mr. Fantastic treated me to a huge word salad about how he is human and makes mistakes and I need to quit treating every little thing as some nefarious plan to make me suffer. Also that the alimony check might be late because of the same problem. And that he wasn't going to hate himself just because I want him to. Then today he sent me a long text asking me to coffee next week and saying that he wants us to be closer and to be less tense with each other.

I wish he would just LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want anything to do with him. My life is demanding and I'm tired all the time. I want nothing more than to stay home for a week making my home mine and having lunch with all the wonderful people who have supported me through the last two years and thanking them and making some small return on their kindnesses. He doesn't care about my feelings AT ALL. He just wants me to behave in a way that makes it possible for him to minimize the impact that he has had on me. He wants evidence for his myth of the amicable divorce. I have no interest in salving his conscience. He never even apologized for the check being late until I pointed out to him that I rely on the money. DUH. He doesn't care about anything but himself at all. I don't need that kind of selfishness in my life.

I'm trying to get my head around the idea of IC. I know I probably need it. It's not the self-care item I want to spend my time on. I get so little time to myself that I really just want the opportunity to putter and write in my journal, feng shui the living daylights out of my house and take up some GAL that is just mine and nothing but a pleasure. I want the opportunity to get to know new people, maybe even single people (both genders) so I don't have to feel guilty about taking all my married friends away from their families.

I've come so far. I know these things are coming, and that they're not so far away. My life is still moving in a very positive direction. I just need to be patient and faithful.

I did come very, very close to just walking out on my job today. My boss had sent me a long list of things to do by email, and as I was going over them clarifying what she was asking for, she interrupted EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE I tried to start. Her tone was very impatient and she acted like all my questions were stupid. If I'm so stupid then why am I still there? If I'm smart enough to be there then why can't she let me ask my questions when all I'm trying to do is determine what she wants?

I hate that I'm missing out on taking my kids to the fair and chaperoning field trips, etc., so that I can subject myself to this kind of treatment. I am horrified at what it will be like when my mentor leaves (her last day is Friday... similar reasons).

Thanks for letting me vent.

[raliced]

In the meantime the child support check was late and when I objected Mr. Fantastic treated me to a huge word salad about how he is human and makes mistakes and I need to quit treating every little thing as some nefarious plan to make me suffer. Also that the alimony check might be late because of the same problem. And that he wasn't going to hate himself just because I want him to. Then today he sent me a long text asking me to coffee next week and saying that he wants us to be closer and to be less tense with each other.

I wish he would just LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want anything to do with him. My life is demanding and I'm tired all the time. I want nothing more than to stay home for a week making my home mine and having lunch with all the wonderful people who have supported me through the last two years and thanking them and making some small return on their kindnesses. He doesn't care about my feelings AT ALL. He just wants me to behave in a way that makes it possible for him to minimize the impact that he has had on me. He wants evidence for his myth of the amicable divorce. I have no interest in salving his conscience. He never even apologized for the check being late until I pointed out to him that I rely on the money. DUH. He doesn't care about anything but himself at all. I don't need that kind of selfishness in my life.

Hey Maybell!

I had to chuckle a little at this because my child support check was also late this month and in my case I was irritated by the overly gushing and extended apologies I kept receiving that sounded like they were being texted by a 12 year old girl (I'm so so so so sorry!) and kept coming in during a work meeting. Then I read your situation and realized again, that in many respects I have it pretty easy.

That being said - I'm a little concerned that this early on into paying child support he's already coming up late and not realizing it's kind of a big deal (in my case it was only a few days late and I wasn't ever really concerned - STBX is fiscally responsible). Does your state have the ability to automatically take it out of his account monthly? You probably don't want to go there yet - but t would probably be nice to know you have it as an option if necessary.

And about your wish for him to leave you alone...FWIW I think you should just tell him that very directly. Again - this is super easy for me to say - because I have the opposite situation where we almost never communicate and when we do - it's strictly kid related and just the facts kind of stuff. I would be inclined to tell him dispassionately that this has been a difficult situation for you, that you are on your own timeline dealing with it and that right now you wish to limit contact. Of course one day you would like your dealings to be less "tense" , but that right now that will not be accomplished by sit down coffees. That's a perfectly reasonable line to take.

I did come very, very close to just walking out on my job today. My boss had sent me a long list of things to do by email, and as I was going over them clarifying what she was asking for, she interrupted EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE I tried to start. Her tone was very impatient and she acted like all my questions were stupid. If I'm so stupid then why am I still there? If I'm smart enough to be there then why can't she let me ask my questions when all I'm trying to do is determine what she wants?

I hate that I'm missing out on taking my kids to the fair and chaperoning field trips, etc., so that I can subject myself to this kind of treatment. I am horrified at what it will be like when my mentor leaves (her last day is Friday... similar reasons).

So - you're a smart lady and I'm sure you don't need me telling you these things, but don't just walk out. Make sure you give notice (walking out would very likely complicate your next job prospect) and if you haven't already make sure you have talked to your exiting mentor about using her as a reference.

I'm a believer in getting out of bad work situations if it isn't working for you. You've been there close to a year, right? That's good - it shows employment stability. I bet you're already looking - I'm sure you can find something that is a better fit.

[Underdog]

Maybell,

Does MD have a caveat to have the money go in escrow first? If he's consistently inconsistent, you might have to bark up a few trees. I had an employee who was forced to go this route because he missed payments consistently, and the state garnished his wages. My XH arranged to have mine direct deposited right from his check so he didn't have to worry about the escrow thing.

Although you didn't see me jump in Sunny's pool last week, I'm here. I really worry about you, Maybell. This unchecked, long term anger is not your friend. It's not healthy for you, your children and your relationships with others.

I know I probably need it. It's not the self-care item I want to spend my time on.

Umm, maybe you put on another set of glasses and see this as an investment in you? What will it take to get you to want to align your head and heart? The anger is telling you that they are disparate and in need of healing. There's nothing wrong with IC, my friend. I spent 4 months last summer working on cleaning house myself - take the time to see that this is your boarding pass to a much happier journey. You can take the time to write in your journal and work on the things that bring you pleasure AND do IC at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive, you know.

All of the stuff with your boss is telling you that you need to do something. Get that resume updated and start looking, sweetie. You need to work in a more peaceful place. Why choose Afghanistan when you can have Hawaii?

I hate that I'm missing out on taking my kids to the fair and chaperoning field trips, etc., so that I can subject myself to this kind of treatment.

So you're saying here that if you were in a rewarding job where you were valued, you'd be happy about that? If that is the case, Maybell, this "stuck-ness" is a lot more deep rooted than you've shared here.

BTW, my D21 didn't want me on her field trips. She literally begged me not to be one of the moms who joined them. She wanted to come home and tell me about her day, independent of me. She's still this way.

One final observation. You devoted way too much time in your most recent post to assuming a whole lot about your XH. I know you're angry with him, but when do you plan on working through this? He's a jerk, okay, but you still have to parent with him, and he's still the father of your children. When is it a good time to drop the rope?

Another observation:

I want the opportunity to get to know new people, maybe even single people (both genders) so I don't have to feel guilty about taking all my married friends away from their families.

When you were married, did you feel resentful about having friends outside your marriage? Every married couple *should* have friends. Healthy friendships are the fuel to a good R. Don't deny your married friends the gift of having you for a friend. They'll meet you when they can. It's not to discourage you from making new friends, but try to see yourself from the perspective of those who love you.

On a spiritual note, sustained anger wreaks havoc on the liver. Take care of yourself and please know that I say these things to you as someone who cares and who has been here and done this. If you were my friend IRL, I'd probably come down a lot harder on you. My friends do the same with me. They did a mini intervention with me a couple weeks ago when we were in PA - and that is how I manage my grieving. I grieve by eating, and it's not working for me. They're worried.

If you can't get yourself into IC right now, please google books and TED talks on anger and process the poison that sits with you day in and day out. It's the obstacle between you and a peaceful, happy life. It's telling you that something is wrong. If you had a lump in your breast, you'd get to the doctor right away, right? This is no different. You deserve to live happily.

Hugs,
Betsey

[claire7]

Hugs to you Maybell. I think betsey had some wise advice.... Hang in there.

[Maybell]

Hey friends, thank you for your loving words. I take you all to heart, though I'll have to answer more fully this weekend. For the time being, I had an informal interview this morning that went VERY well and gives me strength for the future.

[claire7]

So happy to hear that Maybell! You got this!