Hey All- You guys are so great, and I hope that one day I can return the favor to all of you. I just got back from my trip last night, but while I was gone I lurked on my thread and was blown away by all the support and great ideas. You guys gave me so much to think about, and I really appreciate that.
My trip was awesome. Nothing like a brand new baby nephew to take my mind off my sitch. I was so engrossed in that little guy that I barely thought about H or the silly D papers he gave me. I was pretty unavailable while I was gone- wasn't on the computer for e-mails or IM, but the few times I was, he always IM'd as soon as I signed on and we chatted a bit. He called a few times and the interactions were as usual: up, down, up, down. The last day of my trip we got an offer on the house, and we got those papers all signed late last night. So it looks like the house is sold again. First thing this morning I had an interview with my new job prospect, which I think went really well. All in all things have been so crazy the last week and I'm starting to feel a little worn out!
I've read over all of your comments many times, and overwhelmingly it appears that I need to be clear with H that I don't want a D. I think that you're all right about this, but it is sooooo scary to think about how I will do it. I think I am just scared of rejection. I am thinking back on post-bomb, pre-DB days when I was begging for no D and H was adamant about a D. I guess for me just not mentioning the D and going about my life as-if has felt really good, and now to think about re-stating my position feels scary. But, I know you all are right because my thinking has been: of course he knows I don't want a D, I told him a million times in the beginning that I didn't. This is obviously very silly thinking because he can't read my mind, so how would he know I haven't changed my mind unless I tell him. I've changed so many other things, why would he assume this has stayed the same? So, still trying to work out how I will do this, but realize now it must be done.
As well, many of you said I should be more dark, more mysterious, and I think I probably should be. This is such a tough one for me, as I'm sure it is for many of you, because we want the contact with them so much. So it feels weird to pull back from that. But, I think that he is too comfortable with having me as his best friend whenever he wants, and also living it up on his own. So, still trying to work out how to do this as well.
I've thought a lot about my interactions with H. The good, the bad, and the indifferent, and I realized that I deal with three distinctly different H personalities: the drunk H, the depressed H, and the over-confident H. None of these are much fun! The drunk H is very chatty and calls a lot late at night. He can get a little sappy and likes to initate R talk. These R talks are all about us being great friends and apologetic about things not turning out the way we had hoped they would so many years ago. The depressed H is indifferent. He's short on the phone and in person so tough to have a conversation with. He's totally engrossed in himself. He is feeling sorry for himself and seeing the bad in everything. The depressed H doesn't bring up R talk, but does talk a lot about how miserable his life is and how it's not at all like how he wants it to be. But, the over-confident H is the worst. This one is so certain of his D decisions and how perfect things will be in his life once these decisions are followed through. This is the H that delivered the bomb and delivered the psuedo-D papers. This H is so damn happy because he thinks a great life is just moments away...
So, don't know if all this analyzing got me anywhere, but it was pretty interesting once I thought it out!!
Okay, will probably post more later. I am off to pick up the dog from H. I have so much catching up to do with all you guys!! Hope you're all well. Although I wasn't on your threads, you were all in my thoughts!!
