Alligator Love

[Zues126]

Zues, you had said

"But I also know what I expect others to bring, and appreciation instead of criticism is the price of admission."

You have sort of contradicted yourself a few times. You also said :

I don't really show my appreciation for her, any more than she shows her appreciation for what I do.

And you said you do appreciate her, but in the same breath you only show it as much as she does, and in your opinion, she doesn't.

Someone has to be the catalyst in showing mutual appreciation and understanding. Ill give you a bit of a personal example.

As you know, my ex an have been divorced/separated for a long time and I am the primary care giver. I do it all, make the money, do the school stuff, doctors, dentist, activities, pay the joint bills (with his half of the money). I preface what I am to say with that, because between the 2 of us, there is no man makes the money, woman cares for the house and child role.

I have gotten zero appreciation or thank you's over the years. Nothing. Probably only criticism from him. meanwhile, whenever he has a responsibility, he usually messes it up. Unless it's a big deal, I don't confront. And when I do, I do it with understanding and explanation.

I made a promise to myself that even if I don't get appreciation, and only criticism, or abosultely nothing, I would still put forth my appreciation when it is warranted. Even if I don't get it back.

Finally, after 7 years I asked him for some schedule switches and explained why. When he made it happen, I thanked him for his flexibility. He finally said " I appreciate all you do for D8"

It meant a lot to hear that from him. And I believe my appreciation towards him when he does deserve it, whether or not I got it back from him, fostered that statement.

I am awfully wordy here, but someone has to be the catalyst. You get back what you put out there. It's hard in the beginning because feelings are raw. Criticism stinks, but is sometimes vital, it's what we learn from, but I agree it needs to be constructive. And in the stage she is in, she may not be ready. I know your method is to get rid of her like cancer because she made you feel less than good and unappreciated. But perhaps putting out there what you want to get back might go a long way.

Hey Ginger, thanks for the post.

I don't feel I contradicted myself. I was saying appreciation and a non-critical attitude towards me was the price of admission to remaining emotionally close to me. I didn't say I wanted that from STBX!

STBX ended our M and destroyed my family. She has crossed boundaries for me that have her removed from my Christmas card list. It's not that I want a warm relationship with her and am hoping she acts differently. I want no relationship with her at all, and I have achieved that. I'm not critical towards her, I'm simply not appreciative towards her. I'm just very detached.

I have no idea if she desires appreciation from me for what she does at a mom, that would be odd to me since she fired me as her H. I am not emotionally supporting her at this time. I'm not trying to withhold or punish, I'm simply not willing to be emotionally engaged with someone that would make the choices she has.