I only have a minute and I'm just lurking today, but I felt that I MUST write something here for you. I'm glad RodeoWidow is still luring around too. Her sitch was really similar to what you are describing. I agree with RW...your H doesn't know what you think and what you want and you are doing a great job with your "as if" attitude. I believe that you need to express to him in NO UNCERTAIN terms that you do not want a D. I had a great "as if" attitude and I never resisted any of the D plans that my H was making, but I ALWAYS told him in no uncertain terms that this was NOT what I wanted. I always managed to sneak in a comment about how I was hoping that we could work things out and then I would just act "as if". So, even though I was acting "as if" wonderfully, he always knew where I stood.
As for the "friends" issue, I had to deal with that too. I really think that this is your hook. My H said that same thing about being better as friends than as marriage partners. I believe what this really means is "I Love you more than you can imagine and I cannot comprehend my life without you." Trust me, Carrie, on this one. These feelings are feelings of love. It was because of these feelings that my H decided to stay with me. He woke up one morning and said, "what the he11 am I doing?"
When I was talking to Ellen Kreidman (author of "Light His Fire"), she advised me not to reassure my H that we would still be friends afterwards. She said that I should leave that as mysterious or flat out say "NO". I opted to be vague and that drove my H nuts. I never reassured him that we could still be friends and I think that frightened him. Dr. Kreidman said that I could make friends anywhere and that I should expect my H to be a H, not just a friend. So that is indeed the attitude that I took in my interactions with my H. I don't think that I ever came out and said that to him, but I think that it showed in my attitude.
As for the do-it-yourself D papers, remember when my H went to the internet site to do the papers online? You were there for me to calm me down when I was panic-ing. It's just a piece of paper, Carrie. What I decided was that I would not sign any quick D papers. I did not agree with the D and I did not want a D so, therefore, I could not in good conscience sign my name to a D. My H would have to go to a judge and he is a procrastinator too which I was hoping would be to my advantage.
These are just all ideas to throw around, but I think that I've said to you before that you must let H know that you don't want D. You don't have to get into any heavy R discussions, just throw it out there every once in awhile and go back to "as if". For example, when H was asking you where you were going to live, you could say in an upbeat tone something like, "Well, all along I was hoping that we could work things out and we could buy another house over in... (insert neighborhood that you both have been thinking about living). Beyond that I haven't really thought about it." Then you don't wait or look for a reaction. You just continue with being happy and acting "as if" and move on to something else.
I'll check in with you later. Enjoy your visit with your family.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
