well V I am headed to Al Anon tonight. Pretty nervous but I am sure I will be fine. The leader is actually meeting me a half hour before just to visit with me which I felt was awfully kind of her. I am trying to take changes very slowly. I am buying myself new things (clothes, shoes, scrubs) for one I deserve new things also and for two shopping is stress reducing lol. I also think it will help me to feel better to do things for myself. D8's dad bought me two tickets to a concert to take anyone I want with me...He said he bought them because I need to get out more often...He is very good to me and D! I am taking a friend and we are getting a hotel. I think it will be a blast I have only been to three concerts in my life so I am planning to buy a new outfit and get dolled up to go. it is in October. I am taking the three kids to watch ex race tomorrow. He did not even ask for me to help pay which was nice.
I had a sad realization the other day about how little I do do for myself. I told D8's dad I needed to leave for gymnastics right after school to go to the shoe store. He immediately said she did not need new shoes...seems so minimal but in reality to me it shows that no one thinks I am doing anything for me they all jump to the conclusion it is for someone else. Kind of made me sad. I did later tell him they were for me. (he rides to gymnastics with us once a week to watch her as it would be an hour each way for him)
I have already bought myself two pairs of shoes on clearance a shirt and a bunch of cute Pajamas. Scrub pants a few new shirts are within the next few months.
I try to talk to the ex as little as possible right now. He calls or texts almost everyday about something little. when I left he said he would no longer be changing the oil in my car ect (he is a certified mechanic) so I called a friend and asked if her boyfriend would do it he said sure. So I told ex I needed to drop D8 off early so I could get it done he replies with you have an oil filter and fuel filter here you know. I simply replied I did not know that If you would like to change it next time you can let me know so I can use those parts if not I will continue taking it to XXX change it you did state you did not want to do it anymore so I was respecting your wishes. He then went on about how he was not packing my stuff up just trying to sort stuff out I am more than able to leave stuff at the house ect. Then talk about the kids and having a surprise run in with OW being at the house and someone unexpectadly dropping by with one of the kids. He told D7 it was none of her business why OW was there and not to worry about it I am sure in a kind way. I thought it was kind of odd he is not ready to tell the kids yet and she is ok with that as it has been a year but it is none of my business and I went on to a different conversation. Not my problem anymore...
As for being more positive with daughter we had a rough night last night because she does not want to do anything by herself not even go in and put her pajamas on. It worries me. she was never like this before. I am reminding myself to choose kinder/softer words with her and allowing her to make choices. I will offer her a few positives about the day tonight before bed.
I was talking to Grandma about ex calling me daily about silly things and she said he just does not want to let me go but does not want to let her go either. NOt sure about this thoughts????
Anyways I decided starting Sunday I need to distance myself a little further not jump to answering him as soon as he calls or texts. I need to give him time to figure things out before jumping to help him. He is the one who wanted a different R and by answering his questions, calls, texts and helping him I am only allowing the same behavior to continue. He needs to figure out what it is like without me before he will ever think twice about what he is doing. I did comment to his mom the other day about how nice it is to go home and put D8 to bed and not have to worry about someone asking me what my plans are for the week, how much money we have, if I was going to the store, doing laundry, getting what seemed like 15 schedules done for the week, are you staying up with me, why are you grouchy, whats for supper...I can just come home and do what D8 and I want. PEACEFUL! I only have me and her to stress over. it is sure helping with the healing. When I told her I was going to buy myself stuff as it was time she looked at me silly and said really I am so glad you are because it was silly you were not taking care of yourself. She said she could tell how draining it was taking care of everyone else but me! I am so glad she is so supportive.
PAINTER! HI! thanks so much sometimes we all like encouragement. I think I knew this is what needed to happen I was just so scared. WEll no reason to be scared now I have already done the hard part now its just healing forgiving and learning. Taking care of myself for once. Ofcourse we all know what my end goal is but my TOP priority is me! thanks all for your support. Off to drop her off and head to get oil changed and Al Anon meeting.
