((((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))), I agree WTF...timing was certainly sucky! Wow! rj you can really hit it everytime!!! Carrie, I think all the info you could ever need comes from rj...she is awesome!!! You hit it right on!!
Carrie, I hope you are having a good time and don't let H's poor timing ruin your vacation. RJ is absolutly right, there is good to come from this...hang in there Girl!
If you ever need to talk IM me - or drop an e-mail...I can even give you my #...whatever you need I'm here...
XOXOXOX
TO
Me 28 H 30
Together 11 Years
Married 7
Seperated 11/2004
Divorced 4/2005
I've been sitting here, staring at your post, for too long. And I really don't know what to say. I have no advice, but just want to give you a big hug....
(((((((((((((((((((Carrie)))))))))))))))))))))))
On the heels of RJ2, though, I think it's time for restating some goals for yourself. I hope you'll take a crack here so we can help you monitor this latest development.
For the record, I'm a HUGE proponent of goals. Written ones. When things change for the worse or the better, it's time for some new ones to tweak my life. This is particularly true when there is a setback, because it gives me something concrete to work with--at the very minimum, so I can bounce back.
You have so much going for you, Carrie.
Take care,
Betsey
p.s. And I hope your trip has given you some breathing room.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The nerve of your H to give you such a thoughtLESS present! I can not begin to rationalize what the heck he is thinking! But I do have some thoughts that I would like to share here. As you read this, I want you to realize that I am not attacking what you did and did not do. The shock of it all would send me for a loop (actually it did). All I want is for you to learn form this encounter and go forth in your DB efforts.
The papers he handed to you sounded like they were blank. Nothing filled out and definitely not served by any courts. So, does this actually constitute getting served with D papers? He gave them to you for your action. What are you going to do with them? Are you going to give him what he supposedly wants or are you going to do with them what you want to do with them. Remember, this is all about you.
I have a perspective on this that may not be agreed upon, but I will state it anyway. Is it possible that his timing and giving you these papers were done because he thinks you REALLY don't care and YOU want this? He seemed TOO comfortable giving you these papers. Is it because he thinks that YOU would not have a reaction and that this is what YOU want because you are so happy lately without him, so to speak? Is it possible that he thinks that it is YOU that wants to be "just friends"?
There's one thing i do believe in and that is honesty. Please ask yourself this question. Were you honest to him and to yourself when giving the answer to his question..."What are you thinking?" Your answer was about timing being brutal, but is that what you were really thinking. Now I am sure you may have had a few choice words to him and felt you couldn't say them to him because that may have caused you to backslide or wasn't good DB technique. There are times when you do need to keep your feelings to yourself, to not talk R talk. It is really a hard thing to do to know when to do that and when not to. I believe it is good to show your interest in the R every once in a while. Does he KNOW that you still want to be M'd?
Take this trip to think about this. I hope you took your DR/DB book. IMHO, there is no harm in telling your H that you need to think about this long and hard, because this is something that you do not want right now, something you haven't thought about.
With the exception of giving you that folder of papers, everything you wrote about what he did seemed to be all acts of love. He loves you carrie, I have no doubt about it. He values you and your friendship. And we all know that the key to a great R is to be great friends, which it seems you two have.
I definitely can relate to feeling blindsided and having so much pain and anger about the whole sitch. It is why I needed a vacation into my cave for the last few weeks. But it has given me time to evaluate me and what I need to do.
You have so much time right now. IMHO, there is no hurry to act on anything at the moment. You mentioned you feel lost and don't know where to go from here. Let me help you here. Go the DB route. Continue to work on you. Re-evaluate your goals, and yes, your goals have changed now, haven't they?
Carrie, I feel your pain, but don't give up. Take as much time as you need to regroup. I am thinking of you and hope your trip goes well.
I hope I made some sense here. Not sure if i did, but I do want you to know that your efforts at DBing are paying off, because he does value you as a friend, it is just that you want more, we all do!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
I'm so sorry to here about the badly timed and thoughtless Bday gift. I was at a complete loss of words reading your post, my jaw fell on my keyboard.
And then I read TripleJ's post. I think he asks a lot of good questions, and gives a lot of good advice. You have been making progress w/ H, and you shouldn't let this stop you from making more. H didn't actually serve you with real papers, right? Just some forms he'd found. What are you going to choose to so with them? I researched and wrote the sep papers for my W and I, but that's where I stop. Any D papers or motion to file, etcetera: well that's all her--I can't currently imagine that I would help with that.
Use your vacation to take care of you!! Come back shiny and happy and ready to kick butt!
You guys, all I can say is thanks. You have no idea how much reading your posts has just helped me. rj, TO, betsey, triple & renew thank you so much. Since I left for my trip yesterday I've just been trying to forget that nightmare of a night, but reading your advice and thought-provoking questions has kind of helped me to get a handle on things and see that I can (and will!) be able to do this. I have a lot to think about, you guys have given me a lot to think about. I'm sure I'll be reading and re-reading your posts over the next few days.
My first reaction was what a jerk. My next thought when I stopped to ponder why your H would do that is I think he was testing the waters to see how you really feel. My H thought I wanted a D. He thought because I appeared to be so happy and seemed to be moving on with my life that I wanted a D. He was too ashamed to tell me that he had changed his mind and did not want to put himself in a vulnerable position of saying he made a mistake and would I take him back. It took me telling him that I loved him and didn't want a D. He told me after we reconciled that he was positive that I wanted a D and did not know how to approach me because he thought I would laugh in his face and not want him back.
Carrie I think you need to tell your H you don't want a D. I think he was trying to see what your reaction would be when he gave you the D papers. More than likely he was hoping you would say you didn't want a D and then an R talk could start.
Warm wishes and hugs to you, so sorry you had to go through that experience. It is shocking and surreal. What a ~!@#$%^&*()_+ for doing that to you on your birthday.
It is more of a shock when things seemed like they had been steadily improving between you two. Remember also that WAS often will revert back to their stated position whenever they feel like they are put at risk, at least they will openly state that. Who knows what they are actually thinking. The others might be right, you might want to state how you feel. This might be a test, it might not, but what do you have to lose by stating how you truly feel and asking for what you want? This is the opportunity to have an R talk.
It seems odd and even scary to have an R talk when it has been avoided for so long, but they do need to happen. The air needs to be cleared every now and then and sometimes you might discover it increases the comfort level to have more R talks and the WAS is no longer as shy of having them.
You can do this and get through this. Many successful DRers have gone through this stage and turned it around. Maybe it really does provide pressure relief to them and they can focus on other feelings. It is up to you to decide how you will conduct yourself during this difficult time. We are all behind you no matter what you decide is right for you.
Carrieg, I am so sorry. After my great bday, I feel guilty that this happened to you. I thought March 19th-ers never had bad birthdays.
I'm with TripleJ, my first thought was that he didn't know that you don't want this D and therefore didn't think too much of giving you the papers. He just thought that D was bad in general, but not that it would destroy you emotionally.
I would definitely do a brief R mention if you think there is any possibility he has blinders on and doesn't see that you want to stay M.
And what's up with "Better as friends" anyway? If my H ever said that, I would for the first time in my life actually strike another person. Isn't that what a good M is all about, best friends AND love?
Sounds like he needs his head screwed on straight, and you have the tool to do it. Good luck.
(((((((Carrie))))))) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I also new you were too cool girl. I should have recognized you were a March 19 birthday girl. I thought of you Friday night as I was eating my pizza and having a beer. Sorry about the D papers. I think a good 180 at that specific time for you would have been to shove those D papers right up his a$$. You are always so sweet a good 180 can be refreshing at times for your PMA. Im glad to see your doing OK. I hope you can still have fun on your vacation. Dont let him get you down and stay the course. Your doing great Carrie. Its weird how they always try to pick a day that means something to you or the both of you, to do stupid things. My W dropped the bomb on me about filing on our 13 wedding Anniversary. They are always such a$$es. Hope you are OK, your terrific in my book Carrie. God Bless, Eddy
WTF is up with that?????? I cannot believe that he thought that it was an appropriate time for him to give you anything to do with D at all! To me it seems like he wanted to spoil your trip, how can you not think about it? Sort of like a form of control.
When my H and i where sep, any time he would bring up D i would tell him that i did not want a D, but if he persisted i would give it to him, but he had to do all the work for it.
He obviously loves you, but it seems to me that he is worried that your too happy! And that he has lost control of the sitch and this is his way of regaining it. This is only some stuff he has downloaded of the internet, a kind of do it yourself D, i wouldn't let him get away with it. If he wants it, then he is going to have to do it properly. Don't make it easy on him. Might be a good time to show him what a D would mean in reality. Detach, treat him as a friend and no more. Make yourself less available to him. Create a little mystery and see where that gets you.
I think the use of goals would be really good at this time. At least it gives you something tangible that you can work with and do. Don't forget that the only thing you can control is you, what your H does is up to him and the consequences of his actions are his as well.
Deep breathes and dbing your ass off. I would normally suggest going dark after a bomb like that and i think it can be very useful in letting them miss and appreciate you, so maybe a little shade of grey, such as allowing a day or so to go by before you reply to emails, phone messages, being the first to get of the phone etc. And when you do reply keep it light, friendly, but a little distant.
Might help for you. I found it helped the PMA and detaching process.
I hope you do have a good trip and remember that it's not the REAL D papers, it's only a diy version!
I thought March 19th-ers never had bad birthdays. 
I thought of you Friday night as I was eating my pizza and having a beer. Sorry about the D papers. I think a good 180 at that specific time for you would have been to shove those D papers right up his a$$. 
You are always so sweet a good 180 can be refreshing at times for your PMA.