During our session last week, she dropped the "its done" bomb and said that we should only go to counselor to see how we can do what's best for the children. I was just as shocked as the counselor (more on this in a bit). I am so heartbroken and have tears in my eyes as I write this.
Last week - about Tues or Wed - we got into an argument about a certain ex-boyfriend of hers who she considers a friend and mentor who left a sexually oriented message on her social media site. I told her it was inappropriate and she blew it off as something he always did. She was upset that I didn't trust her enough to handle it. I told her that talking was OK, but what he did was over the line. Mind you, this guy lives several states over and I know that she hasnt seen him for over 10 years.
We were up late discussing this, to which she said shook her to her foundation and sent her brain racing (recall her issues I stated in previous posts). She stated things that there was so much about each others past that we did not know about - to which I asked, well why didn't we discuss it when we were dating? No valid reason. So here we are. On the edge of her filing. We hardly talk except about the kids or stuff. She still lives in the house, but that's it.
Now, before that happened, things really seemed on the up. Just the previous weekend she took me out on a date (September is take a man on a date month, haha) to which we had an awesome time - probably the best time in a very long time. She was touching me as she used to, up close, etc. Which is why her announcement came as a devastating shock to me.
Things just don't seem to add up. As I think back over this year, I can't see a valid reason for divorce. Not a single one. I say this because of the following: As I have stated before, the W and her sister are very, very close (they both went through all of that abuse together and only really had each other). Back in January of this year, the W's sister told her that she was getting a divorce. I would sit with the W on the couch while they were talking (which was a nightly thing then) about her problems. At the end of Jan, maybe early February, my wife tells me - no matter how bad things get, we will never get a divorce...NEVER. Hell, one of her reasons was about lack of intimacy - however, the last time we were intimate was just after Valentine's Day, and there wasn't any lacking in that department (I won't go into details)... Because of the problems/arguments that me and the SIL had, she started telling the W how bad I was (I saw the texts), bringing up our problems, talking about how the grass was greener, etc. I do have a feeling that she was pushing my W into divorce (misery loves company, you know). As you may recall, my wife has serious emotional issues ranging from panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts - and she is seeing therapists (two different ones) for those. In fact, I overheard her talking to her sister one day a month or so ago and she said "I had no idea I was so sad..." WTF does that mean?
So, we went from doing well to on the verge of filing. My heart is broken. She is going to her new base in a few months and wouldn't even consider us going with her. She tried to convince me that was best for the family. However, I do recall her saying right after the initial statement of divorce (maybe the next day) - "You can't tell me who can come see me" or something to that effect.
There are so many things that don't add up. From her declarations in January and February, to our dates, to now. So many inconsistencies. Which I truly wonder if the stress of her job - along with other factors - led her to mentally collapse and want to run. She did tell the counselor that she is famous for running when things got bad or if there were any problems.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
We talked a bit over the weekend about how things would go. First and foremost, we must do what's best for the kids. She said that it would go as easy as I make it and that she would really get nasty if she felt I was out of line with the kids (I really don't think she wants to go that route, with her EA and all that would come out along with it). She told me that I could have primary custody until she got back and then it would be 50/50. She spoke of the bills - she would continue to pay everything she has been until after she left that duty station (retirement) and we would work things out then.
She wants a no contest divorce. I am thinking that she doesn't want to go to court.
Now, this past Tuesday we were talking and she stated that she would be willing to consider waiting until her retirement (coming back from that duty station) to file or not. Who knows.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Also, this may be a bit embarrassing to ask: As I was putting away clothes in her dresser the other day, I found several (4) new and different (gotten recently as in the last few weeks) sex toys. Should this be a concern?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Since our last session last Friday (and the announcement), space is all she has gotten. We only talk about normal, everyday stuff - nothing about us, our relationship, or our future. I must say, its been six months since she first mentioned divorce and everyday is just as painful.
On Monday, I took a day off of work and went to my favorite thinking place back up in the woods. I also met with my own counselor Wednesday. My time alone, and the counselor, helped me to see a lot things more clearly. I found myself, what I wanted, and what I had to do. It's like a weight has been lifted - I haven't texted or called my wife while she is at work unless necessary - and that did not go unnoticed.
Sometimes the W and I discuss our separate counseling sessions and sometimes we don't. She did ask about it - and about my thinking time.
So, I took her outside away from the kids and told her this:
"I won't talk about us or our future, but I do have some things to say. I am not looking for an answer from you and you don't have to say anything. I know I was unfair to you and to us. When we first started counseling, we each made a list of things we would like to change/fix/whatever. I ask that you make a new one now for me - not for saving our marriage, not for what I need to do to help me, just the same list as before but now. I have been working on myself and know what I need to do. Also, I am going to say this - I believe in you and I believe in us. I don't know what our future holds, but if we do reconcile, then we need to sell this place (due to issues from my family that played a part of her original complaint) and move somewhere for a fresh start in between both our families (we had actually already discussed doing this if we did reconcile)."
I didn't say that I loved her because she already knows that. Nor did I try to convince her of anything. I just made a simple statement of what I came up with after my alone time. Was it overboard? Was it bad to say? I had been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but at least she didn't shoot it down. I just don't know. I am trying to hard to disconnect and detach but that is oh so hard to do.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I just don't know what to do. There are times, like when we having our "dates," when she would get close, especially emotionally. And then it seems as when she does start getting close emotionally, she then does a 180 and its right back to almost being the enemy. I am not so sure that the sister isn't really playing up the grass is greener side...to which I want to say its only greener over the septic tank...
I really, really want this marriage to work. To date, she really hasn't given a logical reason for divorce. I - and she has stated this many times - never hit, cheated, did drugs, was abusive, or any of the reasons. She also said - and still says - that I am a great father and that she has no reservations about that. Quite honestly, I see no real reason for divorce.
There is a huge back story concerning her childhood and how she would run at the first sign of trouble. Yes, our marriage had its ups and downs, but nothing so drastic as to end it. As I have said before, I feel that her past issues combined with the incredible stress from work has pushed her to this - and maybe the SIL, too. She even told our counselor of how she would run - in fact, she told him that her original intention was to wait until right before her orders to tell me she wanted divorce.
Should I try to do the Last Resort methods at this point, especially since she has mentioned what she did in our last session?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just read your thread. Your W clearly has mental health issues and has been working on them in counseling (that's great!).
What I know about people with these issues (my WAW is a recovering alcoholic) is that they are sometimes compulsive and react without thinking. You can't change that, you can't fix it, you can't talk her out of it.
What you can do is change you and how you react. Has your counselor ever mentioned anything to you about being co-dependent? Often people in relationships with people with addictions and mental health issues are co-dependent.
I would encourage you to discuss it with your counselor. Also, read "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beatty. It was an eye opener for me.
There is something very freeing when you surrender to the fact that you can't control others. It allows you to place the focus back on you and let the chips fall where they may.
It sounds like your W has an internal storm brewing and only views you as the reason for it. I can almost guarantee she would be doing this with anyone she is in a relationship with.
Trying to make sense of her illogical thinking will only make you crazy. Read Cadet's thread about detaching.
