have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[Ancaire]

OK, Dad...first, a 7 year old wetting the bed is a sure sign of stress. He needs help handling his emotions. You might be able to talk with him and get him settled, or you may need to get him into therapy.

No matter what, don't hesitate. His actions are screaming out that he is in pain. Help him.

Matter of factly, inform W of the situation. I know I would be tempted to heal some guilt on, but don't do it. It could easily have the adverse of affect of turning the attention away from your son. He is in crisis, and needs help now.

[tkdmme]

Thanks JudyL,

I am planning to talk to him and W tonight about this. Wish me luck.

[Ancaire]

For your other children, they are old enough for talking it out to be very helpful. Have a family meeting, point out what you're seeing, ask and encourage them to share their feelings about why they think they're fighting, and then come up with solutions.

Whatever you do, do not disparage their mother. Tell them that the situation is hard on all of you. How can we as a family work through this? Have them help to be part of the solution.

In fact, it is your W' s choices more than likely causing the angst, but you can't say that. They already know.

Think of this as a life lesson for problem solving/training. Your children need to learn these skills in any case. Guide them.

[tkdmme]

I tried to talk the w about s7. She doesn't seem concerned. She acts as is it's normal behaviour.

I spoke with s7 . He told me that he has been worried and scared. I hate this. I don't know what to say to him. I began to get emotional so I told him that we would talk later.

I really need help with this.

[Ancaire]

T- can you get him to a child behaviorist? Your W is in denial. He needs to talk to someone, and you can't do it right now.

He really is stressed...I feel so badly for you both.

[tkdmme]

I looking into getting some therapy for all of the kids. I cant talk to the W about it because im sure she would be against it. She still thinks im the only one she is hurting.

When my W got home last night I tried to talk to her about S7 and his behavior at school and at home. I told her that I had a talk with him and he told me that he has been worried about his mom and dad. She didn't say much but I got the impression that she wasn't happy that I had this talk with him. I told her that I thought the behavior and the bed wetting was a result of him being stressed out from the sitch. Again she didn't say a whole lot.

So S7 wet the bed again and she asked him why he didn't go to the bathroom before bed. He told her that he did and then he told her that he has been worried. She told him not to use that as an excuse. I walked out and she went to the closet for some new bed linens. We met in the hall and she said that he doesn't need to drink anything after 7pm and that he was using being worried as an excuse because I had a talk with him about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel pretty good about myself and the changes im making. I just cant get the W to believe that her actions are causing a lot of turmoil in our house. No matter what comes out of my mouth or how it comes out, she will not agree with me on anything. Its not just me either. She does the same with anyone who disagrees with her actions. This includes her family.

Is there anything more I can do to make her understand that no matter the outcome everyone around will suffer from her actions to some degree?

[tkdmme]

So, another set back last night.

Im not entirely sure how it started but an argument over money ensued. She was mad because I was a couple days late paying her credit card bill. Ok, looking back, this is where I should have just walked away. It is very hard not to try and defend myself. It doesn't matter to her anyway whether I defend myself or not. She said she doesn't like not knowing how much money she has. I said well that's easy, you don't have any money. Not the thing to say, but the truth.

Anyway, I hate to admit it but I let my anger out and told her how I felt about all the sitch. I let myself down because I didn't walk away.

Im going to get back on the horse and try again.

[otw]

dont be hard on yourself. You are thinking so hard to protect your children and she is being selfish. It is natural to react this way. Could you be better, of course. Let it go and start over.

On her ignoring the thoughts about the children being affect, my W is in the same place. I was accused of being the reason why they would say things. I calmly told her that i would never get in the way of their relationship and i defend her.
I think the best thing to do is to move on with what you feel needs to be done to help them.

keep going through this.

[Azzork]

Im going to get back on the horse and try again.

Sounds good. Learn from this and move forward. Not much else you can do.

[tkdmme]

Thanks guys,

The thing that sets me off in these arguments is the fact that she attacks my parents and says the they are miserable together and that she will not end up like them. This posses me off extremely. Until last night I had never brought up the fact that her father abandoned her and her family. He had another family on the east coast that no one knew about until after he died. I know this hurts her and I wish I had not stooped to that level.

I was just so angry that she keeps bringing up my parents when hers we're so messed up. She knows how to push my buttons for sure.