I haven't told my wife that "I will not live in an open marriage" probably because she hasn't admitted to anything. However, this is something I will definitely do to set a clear ground rule. She told me the other day that she has broken all contact with him which I don't believe.
Then the next time she says this, say "I wish I could believe that right now, I really do. You do need to know very clearly, while I realize I've made some mistakes in this marriage I WILL NOT live in an open one. Looks like we both have some decisions to make."
Or something similar.
She needs to know that you will call her on her ch*t, even WHILE owning up to your own mistakes and demonstrating self-improvements. If not, she will lose respect . . . which kills attraction . . . which kills love.
After you read DB or DR (I recommend DR), a couple of books I would recommend are "Boundaries," by Cloud & Townsend, and "Love and Respect" by Eggerichs.
I was going at ask that question too. If I should share the Divorce Remedy's book with her or not. I know any attempt to persuade her has failed, but I was wondering if this could be a light bulb moment. The first few chapters really hit home about the consequences of divorce. the ability for almost any marriage to be saved, stages of marriage and re-evaluating yourself.
Also, I just read through the pursuit and distance thread. I will grab this book as well and read it. I just want to clarify...I still should set boundaries and then stop pursuing all together, right? I feel like she needs to know that I have some rules that need to happen if we are going to even try.
Some of my rules were going to be:
-You are not going to disrespect me anymore
-You need to be honest and truthful from here on out
-You need to break off all contact with this guy
-I will not live in an open marriage
-You need to stop going out at night. If you need space, to find out what you want and who you are...do it here! (Willing to negotiate this one)
-I expect you to come to me with our marriage problems and not some guy when the going gets tough
I won't stand for you going out doing whatever you want to do whenever. You are my wife and it's not acceptable.
Are any of those too harsh given the current status of our marriage? Should I remove or alter some based on the "not pursuing"?
Thank you
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
Thank you Starsky for the advice. I will definitely take you up on the recommendation. I need to do the 180 and finally be assertive. Otherwise I will keep living in my current situation looking for answers and not finding them.
And RAI, I don't know for sure if this is what she is usually or always doing with the space, but I also feel like my actions pushed her to where she is now. I want to get her back, but need the A to stop all together. I am starting to understand that I can't force that and need to just back off.
Is it in my best interest to try and set the ground rule of her going out? Or will this just back fire more?
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
Your actions did not push her into an A. There are many people with marital difficulties that do not have A. The A was her choice. She is choosing to have the A. You are correct: you can't make her end the A. You can only make yourself the much more attractive option. And even then, she may continue. We are all in this tough spot. It is about giving up control. Hardest thing to do.
Great point. I really can't enforce any of these accept for not going out at night. But that one might be one that makes her feel like I am controlling and pursuing still.
The rest of them she can just lie about or not share all together.
Do you have any recommendations for boundaries that are enforceable?
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
Boundaries are to protect you! Not to punish or control her. How does her not going out at night protect you?
I think "No Contact" (NC) is a must and should be non-negotiable. PERIOD. If she is unwilling to do this, then you may not have a M to work on.
Implicit in "I will not live in a open marriage" is a condition: If you make our M open (i.e. have an A) then our M is over. It is to protect you - your beliefs and values about what a M is supposed to be - and it is enforceable: if she continues to be unfaithful, you will terminate the M. Are you willing to enforce it, though?
Right now, time is your ally. It is early in your sitch. you are still reeling. Read the books that Starsky suggested. the more you know, the stronger your backbone will be. It is still early in the process and you are trying to hold on to control. It is understandable. We all did this. But control of someone else is an illusion. That is why you can only work on yourself.
So just to clarify. I really shouldn't set a boundary of what time she should be out until? I feel like in a marriage there needs to be respect and being out until 3am isn't acceptable. I know it is controlling, but doesn't that help at least minimize potential contact time with the OM?
I am having a hard time just saying that I won't be in an open marriage and that she needs to break all contact, but then leave the door open for her to go out until whenever she feels like it.
Thoughts?
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
