Well, my H has officially got the worst sense of timing of anyone I've ever met. He chose tonight, my birthday, to bring me D papers that he had printed and started to fill out. Um, maybe I should back up...
I was really dreading this birthday and spending it alone, but it actually was a great day. Got lots of phone calls, e-mails, went out to lunch, H seemed to be coming back around, etc. I got an e-mail from him this morning wishing me a happy b-day and then a couple calls late this afternoon. We decided he'd come over tonight and we'd get dinner and hang out. So I picked up dinner, he came over, we were having a really nice time. He brought over a bunch of stuff for me: books, etc. He also had a gift bag, and under it on the coffee table a folder. So, after we finished eating and there was a break in the chat, he said, well are you ready for your gifts? I said yeah, sure! Then he got kind of weird and was like, well, this is kind of the ultimate good gift- bad gift scenario. I was like, okay.... He said, what do you want first? I said, bad I guess. So he picks up the folder. Says these are the D papers. I printed them up online and started filling them out. BUT I am giving them to you now b/c you're getting ready to go on your trip and I don't even want you to think about it at all. Just go and have fun and don't even think about these. Then he goes into this monologue about how he has realized through this that we are and have always been great friends. And that we were much better as friends than as a couple (sound familiar rj?) and that he hoped that would never end. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that of all days he chose my b-day to do this?? I got a little choked up and was trying not to cry. He was like, what are you thinking? I said, your timing is brutal. He said, not really, things are going so well in your life right now. He said, I wasn't trying to be brutal, I thought it was a good time because you're getting ready to go on vacation and you can just forget about it. He said no time would be good and so I thought this would be better because I also have a really great b-day gift for you. So I tried to stay as composed as possible and just nod and agree.
Then he hands me my b-day card. On the inside it was printed 'happy b-day to one of the sunniest people I know'. He said, you are by far the sunniest person I know. I said thanks. Then he had written some stuff encouraging me on my new job prospect. Then he wrote: I hope we are always close even though things might not be the way we expected them to be years ago. Above all, I remain your friend (underlined) always. With Love, H. This got a me a little teary again (hell, I really wasn't recovered from the D papers). Then he gives me a gift bag. He says this is not only a birthday gift but a thankyou for all I've done lately around the house and taking care of the dog and everything else. The first thing is a book related to my new job. The next is a new i-pod. He had already set it up with 3,000+ songs. This I was very excited about. Definitely got my mind off the D papers for awhile. We have one already but it's older and this was one of the new ones and really cool. He said he had been wanting to get it for me for a long time and thought this was a perfect time. So we goofed around with it for a long time, he made me put in the headphones while he played song after song for me. He even created a playlist of songs for me to listen to on the plane trip tomorrow. We chatted some more and then made plans for tomorrow morning (he asked if I wanted to keep the dog tonight and then I could drop her off in the morning, leave my car at his apt and he'd drive me to the airport), and he headed out. Got a couple hugs.
So, the weird thing was that the presentation of the folder of D papers was very similar to bomb night, after he did it, then he seemed to be in a great mood. He also seemed to be acting very confident, very secure. Like when I am less so (tonight), then he is more so.
As soon as he left I started bawling, went and got the D folder out of the drawer he had stuffed it in, and just couldn't stop crying. He called about 5 minutes later. I tried to compose myself before I answered, he asked if I was upset? I said no. He said he wanted to call to let me know that he wasn't trying to be brutal with his timing. He wanted me to know that. He thought that giving the papers to me at a time when he had a lot of love for me was a good thing. I said okay. He said again that he wasn't trying to be mean or brutal. I said okay. Then he said get some sleep and see you in the morning.
I have to say, I was blindsided. Did not see this coming at all. H and I haven't brought up anything about D or papers or anything. I think we've said the word D maybe three times. So I have to wonder, where did all this come from? When he asked me last week in the R talk if we could keep going the way we were going, was he asking permission to start this D? I should also mention my H is a major procrastinator. So the fact that he actually did the research and printed them up and starting filling them out is amazing. A small part of me has to wonder if this is something else that his father is prodding him to do. His father likes to get on his ass to do just about everything, so who knows? Maybe I am just bitter though b/c the IL's didn't even call to wish me a happy b-day today. Very weird.
I feel lost. I have no idea where I go from here. I have no idea where the 'we're better as friends' thing came from, he's never mentioned this angle before. This went from a decent b-day to the worst of my life. I'm rambling.
Still have to pack for my trip and be up at the crack of dawn. G'night for now...
