Zelda - Dog Days are Over

[Zelda09]

Hello friends, I am back from a trip of a life time. And I think I worked out some more in my head, and am feeling very upbeat.

And there was a lovely fling with a great Dane. That also helped.

My house was broken into while I was away, but I am blessed, because nothing much was stolen.

I go forward with the following goals:

To be better at occupation A, more energy, more focus.

To get more aggressive with occupation B.

Clean up my biz taxes and get organized.

Run at least a few times a week and make yoga a regular part of my life again.

Enjoy being single, dating myself, healing the bits that need to be so that I attract what and who I want into my life.

I am looking to find that peaceful, strong, inner voice and listen harder, ask her more, and make her my guiding light.

I had dreams for a week or so straight and each dream helped me understand the plaguing questions about who I was, who he was, what had happened. In the dreams I experienced his intensity and force of emotion, and his vulnerable sides and I woke understanding this was the attraction for me. I loved him for the same reasons I hated him - he was a scared, sweet and intelligent child inside and I so badly wanted to be what he needed to grow into the man I saw he could be, and was fleetingly at times. I woke from other dreams understanding that I wished to protect him as much as feel protected by him. His big arms, possessive streaks, bits of anger and tantrums helped me feel this, experience him as powerful.

So my goal for myself, despite all the beautiful psychobabble labels we could apply here, is to find and heal the parts of me that craved to be protected like that, and to stand strong and balanced for as long as it takes until I give it to myself and no longer feel that longing.

And to look at the parts of me that wanted to fix and love his issues out of him, and make sure I am never attracted to someone who broadcasts that kind of weakness and care needing again.

I miss him terribly sometimes. Molasses cookies, the way he looked at me and made me feel I was so loved, his singing. It is hard. That is all I can say. I have to work very hard to see other other bad memories when I start wanting to cry over these things. It is an addiction, it just needs to be faced like one.

I read a fun twist on an old myth.

When Narcissus drowned, the lake wept for him. The goddesses comforted the lake, saying it was understandable to be sad, he was so beautiful. The lake was puzzled and said it hadn't noticed. The goddesses wondered what it was weeping for then? The lake replied, "When he peered into me, it was only then I saw myself as beautiful in the reflection of his eyes."[i][/i]