Here's My Story...Need Guidance

[wiseman]

This is my first time posting on the message boards and I am in need of some serious guidance.

A little over 6 weeks ago I found out that my W was talking with OM. She had gone to this guys house to "prove to him that she wasn't ignoring him" and she stated that they just talked. Later on I found out that he had kissed her, but she said that she didn't kiss him back. Obviously I went through all the emotions one could expect and decided to look at where our marriage went wrong and start to rebuild it.

From there, I asked her to change her number, have an STD test, and cut off all communication with this OM. She agreed and we moved on. As the weeks progressed she asked for space and began to tell me she wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't sure if she could ever feel anything for me again. Our biggest issue had been our sex life/intimacy. We always fought about it for one reason or another and it led to a lot of frustration for both of us. She has admitted to this being the main reason she has checked out and I understand why. However, I want to work on rebuilding the connection, but she keeps pushing further away.

I recently bought the Divorce Remedy book and have read through most of it. I understand that I need to stop pursuing and work on myself if we are to have any hope. I have read a ton of these forums, but struggle with knowing how to approach my unique situation.

The situation is that I found out my W still seeing this OM and going to his house on a fairly regular basis. She would be there until about 3am some nights and continue to say that it was platonic and they were just friends...someone she could talk to about everything. I don't believe it, but she continues to stand firm that nothing has happened. Regardless, I want to work on our marriage, but can't get any commitment from her. So I am at a stage now where I am focused on being the best me and stop pursuing her. My struggle is setting the correct boundaries for both of us (one's that don't make her feel like I am smothering or controlling her) and help increase the odd's of her wanting to work this marriage out.

I am fearful that if I give her full space, she will continue to go out and see this guy (even though she says she cut off all ties), but if I set the wrong boundaries, she will push further away and continue to feel like the marriage isn't worth saving. I know that I need to be assertive (haven't been before) and confident with what I need if we are to try and rebuild, but want to ensure I am on the right path.

Any suggestions or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you