I love the suggestions, Azzork! Both for Lost and me!!!
Gonna start making some lists right now.
How about you, Lost?
Ummmm see my reply to Azzork. Lol We could be busy for days on end with list 1 for me alone! Are we keeping these to ourselves or posting them?
Wishing you a peaceful night
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I think I have to start a new thread. I'm feeling so down and hopeless this morning.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
At the same time, start working on you. CaliGuy talks about making three lists: 1) a list of things you dont like about yourself 2) a list of things H doesnt like about you 3) a list of things that you admire in other women Then figure out ways to transfer items from list 1 and 2 onto list 3. This exercise will give you a roadmap towards starting to improve yourself.
Oh boy, Azz. That's a tall order.
list 1 could fill a book. list 2? I know some things, but the others I'm just guessing at since he's been pretty tight-lipped list 3 ??? I admire most Everything about women who are not me
youre not getting out of this that easily, Lost! Lets start with one. Pick the ONE thing that speaks to you the most in each list. Then we can get to work on that.
1. My lack of confidence 2. hmmm? My insecurity? maybe? What does he not like the most? I'm not sure. Could be so many things. The list goes on and on. My indecisiveness? 3. Confidence
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Perfect! Well, not perfect that you feel like this is you. But perfect that you identified some concrete things that you can work on!
So, now, what can you do to improve these things? Ill give some thoughts...but you may know better than I do.
Confidence - Can you improve your appearance? new clothes? new haircut? improve your diet? get more sleep? - How about how you interact with people. Can you introduce yourself first? Can you go to a meetup with strangers? I think it would be best to try to find something just starting so not everyone knows each other yet. Its a lot easier than breaking into a group of established friends. - Is there something you are good at that youve stopped doing that you can restart? sewing? dancing? or something you are interested in that you can start doing? - Im sure there are some books out there about how to build confidence. Can you hit the library and get one?
Decisiveness - This may be a little trickier. But I think because you are lacking confidence, you have trouble trusting your judgment to make a decision. Im not sure exactly how to improve this. But I think if you are aware of it, you can work on yourself to try to make decisions and stick with them. How do you keep from second guessing yourself?
I also have no idea how to become the best me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who I used to be. I was so young & naive when I met H, newly graduated from college, no idea about the world. He was older, experienced, had traveled the globe while in the Marines. So much of who I am came from being part of "us."
I missed out on so many things.
As I became older, it seems the few things I liked the people in my life, including H, did not like.
Perhaps H and I are not really compatible. Perhaps I was never the person who would make H happy.
Think of your life now as a blank canvas. You can paint whatever you want on to it. What do you want it to look like? If you dont know, start trying stuff! Join a book club, join an ultimate frisbee league, join a sit on the porch and drink wine club. Hell, join them all! Start trying stuff and see what you like.
At the same time, start working on you. CaliGuy talks about making three lists: 1) a list of things you dont like about yourself 2) a list of things H doesnt like about you 3) a list of things that you admire in other women Then figure out ways to transfer items from list 1 and 2 onto list 3. This exercise will give you a roadmap towards starting to improve yourself.
You got this, Lost.
I have not been as active lately but came across this … just wanted to chime in a bit …possibly Add/Clear this a touch.
Lost I have not read up on your sitch .. but will. When I was hit with the … well lets just call it the “FU Pie” smack in the face .. I was stunned and dazed as we all are post BD. Was then I dove into reading all I could .. started really stripping away layers of yuck I had acquired, was more about me … and less about my W for a bit. As I have stated here often .. its that first step you need to take .. which is often the hardest, but the most important right>? I wanted to change, so .. book after book .. lesson after lesson .. it started out so simple, and small. I made my bed, every morning … just that small task rewarded me with a sense of accomplishment, made my room look tidy, in the smallest purest of ways, made me feel good about myself when it was a time I struggled to find 10 GOOD things about me.
The list … Azzork is close but there is one issue … the list is 3 separate lists:
1)Things you like about yourself … Call these KEEPERS
2)Things you do not care for … things for you to work on
3)Things you admire in other women (Or for you fellas .. in men)
And as he said .. start working on taking away from #2 and replace it with #3 .. for me .. I worked on my anger, replaced it with the patience I admired from my priest. (just 1 example). Azz used “2) a list of things H doesn’t like about you” … DO NOT change anything FOR your W/H … now these things may very well be complaints they have, if they are legit then sure toss em on the list … but lets say my W complained about my sense of humor, I happen to have that on list #1 and will be keeping that regardless, now she complained about my anger … sure .. that’s not something I wanted … again not about her .. totally things I wanted to change about ME, look at it as you were just given a new house, you get to decorate that pad anyway you like …. No sense hanging up HIS hunting trophies up … he is no longer living with you.
My point .. This list is all about you … and if you put in the work, take one step at a time you will end up on the other side happier for it .. regardless what your H does or does not do .. in short it’s a way to get your mojo back, in the healthiest of options.
