Alligator Love

[Zues126]

Hey Painter,

I am going for 50/50...however there are some hills to climb legally. Basically due to D4's age and S11's difficulty adjusting she's making the case it's best for them to stay with her more during the school year. Of course my attitude is that it was her decision that led to this 'adjusting'...but that doesn't matter in court, all that matters is what's best for the kids. I currently have 5/14 nights (up from 4 recently), and am vying for 6/14 for this school year with the intent to be 7/14 once D4 becomes D5 and is in kindergarten.

As for her badmouthing me to the kids, it's really not much...but it does happen. D8 told me "Mom thinks we're too young for this book". When I told S11 about having to use a key ring to clip up D4's pants he said "I heard", when I said "really?" he said "yeah, mom didn't think she should've been in school like that". So I'm not making it up...but I feel I get to model for my kids how to lead on even when people are throwing stones at you. I try not to talk bad about her, the worst thing that ever happens is sometimes I take the attitude of "I'm not really worried about what mom thinks". Granted, not ideal, but I am not going to try to change STBX. She can do her thing. She's a good mom, we're not poisonous towards each other (that I know of), and we both love the kids enough to try our best to keep it healthy for them. So while it's not perfect it's not terrible.

Sunny, Julie, both good points. Julie, I agree it might make sense to humanize your ex to find compassion. I have done that to an extent. Definitely a good point to consider.

Sunny, I'm sorry to hear about the falling out. I'd love to hear more about what happened if you're up for it. If you need someone to drive to FL and beat someone with a pet alligator let me know

Anyway, I agree with what you're saying in theory. I talked to my best friend about it...both he and I are wired the same. We're so hard on ourselves that we drive about 10 times harder than anyone else, from sun up to sun down, we push to overachieve...then if people throw stones at us they can go to hell. It's like a covert contract- "I'll work to the bone to do everything I can, in exchange you be appreciative and supportive not critical". Most people aren't very supportive, most people are very diminishing, critical, dismissive, and insensitive...which is why we get along with each other and why we don't have a lot of close friends. I can grow and manage this part of my personality, but I am who I am. All I know is that I don't expect anyone to match my intensity or performance or effort, I can accept that most people can't bring what I bring...all I ask is that they say 'thank you' for what I do and don't sit there giving 25% of what I give and have the audacity to be critical about what I'm doing when I'm the one battling in the ring. And I know "covert contracts" are a no-no, so I'm making a point to make this an outward and verbalized boundary so there are no resentments or misunderstandings. I'm with Teddy R on this one:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.