Hey All- My latest thread locked a few days ago over in Newcomers, and I decided to get a jump-start on piecing. I have had consistent warming on my sitch the last few weeks; I have to believe it's only a matter of time till I am officially piecing!!
Here's a quick overview of my sitch:
H & I both recently turned 28 (well, I'm this friday) We've been together almost 9 years and married almost 4 No kids, sweet dog Bomb Nov 3, 2003, H moved out Jan 2, 2004 DBing started beginning of Dec House has been on the market a month H got into his own apartment a few weeks ago H has been diagnosed as depressed and is taking meds & IC
It's been a few days since my last post, mainly because PMA was super low. Ever since the R phone call last Monday I've been feeling pretty down and unable to shake the daggers that H threw regarding our interactions being uncomfortable for him. But, I'm starting to come out of the haze and I can see that the last few days have been very good. Here's a recap:
Sunday we met at his grandma's house in the afternoon. Soon after I arrived his grandma & I left to go shopping at the mall while H stayed behind to keep his grandma's friend company. After shopping we hung out at his grandma's and had dinner. It was a little uneasy, but I think mainly because it was his grandma's house. Since it was late in the day we decided I would pick up the dog at his place Monday on his lunch break. We left her house in our separate cars, but were driving along the same road for a while before his turn-off. Here's a perfect example of how his moods flip-flop: We stop at a light and are next to each other. I look over and he is looking at me like Mr. Cool and flashes me a peace sign. I laugh and flash one back to him. A few miles down the road we're at another light and next to each other again. I look over and he's looking all glum. He rolls down his window and says have a good evening real sadly. I can't keep up!!!
Monday he IM's me in the morning and we chat until around noon when he asks me to leave to meet him at his place. I met him there and he was making lunch. He asked if I wanted a sandwich and made me a great sandwich! He played a new song for me that he had learned on guitar (he hasn't played guitar for me since before the S). I stayed for about an hour before he had to get back to work. The visit was good, but I was still feeling down about contacts, so probably didn't fully DB. When I got back home I decided to book a flight to visit my family this weekend (this is a trip I've been thinking about for a while). I mentioned it to H in IM and he encouraged me to go ahead and book. He said it would be no problem to take the dog during that time. I let him know that I had booked, and he asked me to send him all my flight info (I hadn't asked for a ride or anything, so I thought this was good!!).
Today we e-mailed & IM'd some, but at my initiation, I had to ask him a question. He kept up the contact though. Then late in the afternoon I got a call about a job I had applied for a month back to schedule an interview. I was so excited after the call that I called H to share my good news. He had helped me tons on my resume & cover letter. He was really happy for me and we chatted a few minutes. I thanked him again for all the help he gave me in getting that far. Later in the afternoon he was IMing me again to share some info he'd found on the job, industry, etc. I mentioned to H that the dog was acting all sad to be back with me, and he said they had a really great time together. He said they had met a lot of new people (i know he took her to the park several times) and that the dog was a chick magnet. This stung a little, but I just laughed and agreed that the dog was too adorable to resist.
No call from him last night or tonight which is a little unusual given his recently calling trend, but I'm not sweating it. I'm still on cloud nice from landing the interview!!!
Oh, and H hasn't mentioned anything about my ring yet. I saw him three days in a row and wasn't wearing it any of the days, so I'm pretty sure he noticed. Still think I've made the right decision to take it off around him for now.
I was going through my old threads (I wouldn't recommend it) and, when my H starting softening and warming, I kept questioning it, but I somehow "knew" it was happening and it was. It's kind of like an A I guess...you just "know" it's happening.
Tty not to listen to his WORDS. My H threw daggers up until the bitter end. I think that your H's head is spinning and it's making him nauseous. Just like with my H, I think that he doesn't understand why he is having such good feelings for you (duh!).
My H made "chic magnet"-like comments too and they really stung but I never showed it outwardly. In fact, I would agree with him (as you did) and sometimes I would expand on the comment. I think this throws them off guard. I think this is a test in some way (maybe unconscious) to see if we are going to freak out. I believe, in some ways, they also get confused and start to question why we don't care that they are chic magnets. My H used to say that there were women all over him at work (is this a male ego thing?) and that, after our D, he was going to date some of them. I would say very enthusiastically, "Yes, I'll bet they can't wait to get their hands on you. What a great catch they'll have!" I think that H was shocked.
AS we all know now, patience, patience, patience. Congrats on the job sitch!!!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Carrie, Welcome to piecing! It's good to see so many of us making the leap.
Christine, as always, you give such great advice...
Quote: Try not to listen to his WORDS. My H threw daggers up until the bitter end. I think that your H's head is spinning and it's making him nauseous. Just like with my H, I think that he doesn't understand why he is having such good feelings for you (duh!)...
...I think this is a test in some way (maybe unconscious) to see if we are going to freak out.
I agree whole heartedly. Choose not to react, turn it right back around and hand them a big tall glass of PMA. It works for me every time.
Welcome to piecing- Glad to see you here!! We're here to guide you to success!
Christine is right on, this is exactly the pattern I have been experiencing too. I am at a late-intermediate point where H is still throwing daggers, but it's intermixed with "us" talk and intimacy too. I got the "women find me hot" too!! LOL- Classic one. Wouldn't it just be nice to put them on mute or something! KEY to see all those words as "discontent", just "talk"- this includes any OW talk, D talk, "my single life".... The underlying feelings that we have and that they have are much MORE powerful and deep than any surface words. Surface words are the temporary mind content, things they are thinking in a flighty way in the moment or negatives they are getting off their chest... When I think back on how much "garbage talk" I've done over the years myself, it is so clear- this is the same thing. And in the case of negative feelings, oftentimes, when a person is able to air those feelings, the feelings can be released and let go..
Cling to those positive signs in H's actions. .. and know that this is happening... b/c why else would H be calling everyday, IMing you, showing you stuff, inviting you to do things (even if only one or two - this grows in time!) Clearly the feelings are there under the surface already, just a matter of time through more and more interactions that it grows!
Must feel funny in the alien mind to have those warm feelings and then their logical, mental thoughts of their "plan" -- Confusion, guilt, etc is the evidence that this is going on.. I also think the daggers are part of their pride showing through.. Defense (weak- hehe) showing up to guard their "logic" because they are faced with such powerful feelings underneath and they're scared. We know that the deep feelings are stronger than any mental confusion, guilt, etc... For them, it may just come up and wash them over at some point. So no wonder they act so crazy, huh.. My H has even said that verbally lately, "he's not sure".. So, land is in sight- and you're steering the right course! "As if" this is happening - because you are wise, deep and KNOW!!! H never really left to begin with!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Hey All- Thanks for the warm welcome to piecing!!!
Just a quick update cause I've been on the computer much of the day for work and I'm a bit sick of it at this point!! I'll try to visit all of your threads soon...
So, for the first time in I can't even recall how long, H didn't contact at all today. No email, IM, phone calls. I was pretty surprised, but didn't contact him and have been trying not to worry about it. Gonna ride this one out and see how long it lasts, though he did mention coming over Friday night since it's my birthday. We'll see...
Don't sweat the no contact, its only one day right?
I think you are doing great. He is contacting you more than when you were living together I would guess. He is very attached still. Still teething.
I don't really know where I am, I think I might still be in the early stages of improvement if there has been any improvement at all. I would say the daggers and crap they say just keeps coming no matter what stage of improvement you are in. Have they been getting less though? Or less intense too? Those are important too.
I'm glad you are here in Piecing, I have always though you belonged here and was even going to suggest it. I missed you so I'm glad you're here. As I've said all along, you will get him back. He just needs to find his way. Be the bright lighthouse.
Thanks for the vote of confidence Seattle, I always appreciate your insight!!
Well H finally broke the silence today with a series of short and non-personal e-mails. They were in a default font, so I'm wondering if maybe he was e-mailing from another location, not from work. Maybe he's in training? Who knows, here goes:
H: are you in the office tommorow?
C: hi! yep
H: what time is your flight sat?
C: 8:30am
H: so maybe you better drop dog off tomorrow morning on your way in
C: hmm....Are you not able to come out and pick her up tomorrow night? If no, then I would rather bring her after work, I have to go to new job tomorrow before work, and having java will be a little complicated I think.
H: why new job before work?
C: They called to ask me if I would fill out an application before my interview. I went by today and picked it up. I have to drop it off before I go to NC, but that only leaves tomorrow.
H: ok. i'll come by tomorrow.
C: If it's a problem, I can bring her by in the evening, I just don't want to worry with it in the morning.
H: (after a long while) it's no problem for me to come out friday night. i just thought since you were coming down here anyway...
So, I'm a little bummed by this. H said on Monday that he would come out on Friday because 'he could pick up the dog and also because it was my birthday so that would be a good time to come out.' Now he's wanting me to drop the dog off in the morning before work and not even see me?? Aliens must have erased his memory. Trying to let this one slide off my back, but it's not easy. Think I'm also just feeling sensitive about having a birthday tomorrow.
I'm having a hard time getting a handle on these past few days. PMA was low over the weekend and first of the week, so I'm sure that is coloring my views, but the contacts and visits seem to be getting much cooler. Last week after the R phone call, we had many days of great contacts and really long phone calls for no reason. Then over the weekend it got a little icy, and this week has been the same. We'd talked Sunday night about H coming out so we could have a meeting with the realtor this week to go over things, but he hasn't mentioned it. This couldn't be a result of no ring, could it!?! Argh, I'm confused!!
