Finally asking for help: 2

[Vanilla]

Vanilla

So to address your question of self worth. I'm not really sure about that. Like, I think on paper, by just about any means of outside measurement people deeply value me.

I have a lot of confidence in my life. I am a good friend. I do the right thing, no matter how tough and try to love people with courage. I am professionally very successful, a leader of many, and am seen as a really cool guy. The James Dean type.

Some how I sense this is how you act (as if) and isn't how you are to yourself. This is how you seek to be towards others. Outwardly rather than inwardly directed. Do you treat others better than you treat yourself? Are you a good friend to yourself? Are you a leader to yourself? Etc etc.....

Those are constructs though, and they are a deliberate framework I've put in place over my life.

I can read that, it keeps you safe. It imposes a fear to fail, that if you can meet these standards that you can have high self esteem. Let's just look at that, self worth is about who you are, even if you are not James Dean 100% of the time, perhaps fail sometimes as a friend.

Struggle and failure, that is ok. Every human treads a path, the more you do, the more risk you take, the more the struggle, the more the learning.

I think you measure yourself on what you do which is self esteem. If in your own eyes you perform well you feel great, stumble be human then you see yourself as unworthy and feel badly. Know this you are a human being, not a human doing.

I think deep down, I do have pretty low self-worth due to a having a passionate heart,

A passionate heart is a great and worthy thing to have, it makes you live life with energy. Know that your self worth should be measured on these attributes not on how you perform. Otherwise you will ride a roller coaster. I would like you to distinguish between that which you are and that which you do. A good passionate heart is worthy. Tell me about who you are, not what you do. So who are you? What attributes make you a truly great human being?

my upbringing

when we are measured as youngsters on how we perform, we value ourselves on how well we do. Unless we learn it is ok to just be a good kind loving and passionate human, then we look to always do better and better. When we invariably fall, have a poor marriage, lose a job, put on weight etc, we think we have low esteem in our eyes. Then we need to perform better and better, do more and more. It is a treadmill to ill health and self destruction.

Learn that you are worthy when you are a passionate man, thus whether you succeed or fail it's ok because you have value to yourself in who you are. It's only when you are inauthentic that your self worth is diminishes.

and a lot of years of being battered around emotionally by my W.

Our higher power chooses this dynamic, ok the battering is given by another, just as my WH abused me, but the R was my choice. It is my path to learning about myself. My failed M does not make me low in self worth.

Over the last few months in seeing my IC, she has really helped me back off of me taking myself too seriously, taking too much responsibility for the problems in my relationship.

We are responsible for how we react and for being authentic.

She's been helping me to be easier on myself, and that has helped a bit. I think that you are really on the right track there though.

I think so too, this is actually easily resolved. This is about knowledge and acceptance. One of those light bulb moments, once you know you can never unknow.

I have a lot of self hatred.

I am not sure hate is the right word. I would say judgement. You judge yourself on your success on what you do, because there are difficulties (not all of your making) you judge harshly. Instead, isn't your core of passion steady throughout?

I would recommend looking at who you are rather than what you do. You connect to your other power that alone gives deep meaning and high self worth.

I often feel ugly, unwanted.

So you have fat bald, spotty days too. But this is external, does this change your passion, your good heart, your kindness? Not in the slightest. It is just the mirror looking back when you use self esteem to judge yourself. Some days your doing is inadequate, so you are ugly unwanted. When you connect to the higher power that is never ugly, you are always wanted.

I'm not entirely sure why either.

Lets ask the hard question then. It's ok to say V back off, give me a break. When did this start? What age? Did your family, teachers, WW, value you on what you did rather than for you? Is that how you learned to value Solo?

It's obvious that people, even my W, find me attractive.

So you feel they value you for how you look? That is your mirror looking back, seeing yourself in others eyes. If they see value so do you, but actually your value is in who you are irrespective of what others reflct back at you. You become independent of that mirror, you no longer need it because it is ok just to be Solo.

To a certain extent those with high self worth look after themselves, they are attractive because they glow with health, well being and high self worth, they carry themselves well, eat well and groom. Others do the same acting as if. Both are attractive and those with high self worth, just carry it inside without question.

This can be you. It is only a question of belief, beliefs change in an instant.

I trust I have explained.


Just typing that out gave me some insight.

I am pleased, let's push that further into growth and realisation. Try googling self worth vs self esteem.


Thanks V. Seriously.

Welcome. I hope this has assisted further. My next question is how do you value yourself?

V