Lonely Hearts Club

[beckyb]

Judy, I find it difficult to reach out to friends who don't know the situation but find I'm glad when I do. If I'm going to be seeing or talking to someone for the first time since BD I send an email or text ahead of time briefly explaining the situation which helps. I will need to be more deliberate about making new friends but I'm kind of an introvert so it's tough.

[Avanti]

beckyb, I am about to say a few things that might upset you and I sincerely hope that you will take them in they way they are intended, nothing more than to help you. If you think I am way off, please let me know and I promise not to be so direct in future, or will, if you prefer, step back and let others help you who are more adept to continue to help you.

Your husband sounds like a mr nice guy in that he's found "a project" in the form of someone who does not have long for this world.

As a recovering mr nice guy, I know that "projects" are very attractive as they fulfill a need to fix things.

Your husband is on a path towards a brick wall (when the OW dies) that's somewhere down the path and he's rushing to try and make things better for the OW in a vain attempt to make her death somehow easier. The reason for this is if he does everyone will think he's a great guy and his world will be a better place, which is true to an extent except it will be short lived glory because his (probably small) audience will go back their lives pretty quickly and he'll be left on his own.

To accomplish this short lived glory he is currently using passive aggressive, non-verbal and unwritten contracts to try and manipulate things to get what he thinks he needs, which ultimately end up hurting you - classic mr nice guy behaviour.

What you, or anyone, does not know is what is going to happen to your H when the OW steps off this mortal coil.

One things is reasonably for sure is that he'll lash out at the nearest (soft target) person, probably you, as no matter what you do from his perspective, you'll have taken too long to do what he asked and so some of the blame for how he feels will be directed toward you.

You have no control over him, but you do have control over you and what steps you can take to mitigate the future hurt that could/probably will come your way.

Much as you probably don't want to have you given any thought to what you are going to do when this inevitability happens and also what you could do, for beckyb, in the here and now to enable you to deal with it even more capably than you could, if it were to happen, right now?

I am aware that I am speaking about someone (the OW) who does not have long to live and I do not mean her any disrespect as I would for anyone who is in a similar predicament to her.

As said above, this really is tough stuff and you have every right to say "please stop Avanti" and I will.

Avanti - the poster formally known as Beagley

[beckyb]

Hi, I wondered what happened to you.

I think you are right on target. This typical passive-aggressive behavior and very much like H. Most of the time I don't respond. this time he was so disrespectful I couldn't stay silent. I remained respectful though.

However, I don't believe OW has a terminal illness. I think she has Lupus, which is chronic and serious, but not terminal. It would be just like my H to exaggerate. I could be wrong but if she really did have a terminal illness and they wanted to marry ASAP he would be moving things forward. Instead he is dragging his feet and accusing me of not moving forward.

I believe her illness does make him feel like a hero. He has been sick a lot in the last few years and probably has not felt like a hero in a long time.

I also believe playing up the illness and saying he has been falling out of love with me for a long time are his way of trying to justify his behavior, which he knows is wrong and hurtful.

H is giving up everything for this woman who is, at the very least, physically ill and morally questionable. He is losing me, a comfortable lifestyle, his brothers and many friends. At some point he may wake up and realize what he's done. He may not.

His text was very hurtful and set me back a bit but strengthened my resolve to move on. I won't stand in the way of the D but I'm not going to do anything more to push it forward. He has not responded at all to my settlement proposal. The ball is in his court.

[Avanti]

Phew! Glad you took it all in the way it was meant.

Good for you, beckyb! What you've said above shows significant progress in detaching; be reactive to his requests, but don't prioritise them. Guide him towards organising himself around you not vice-versa.

If he does bring up the death thing again, ask him how long she's got to live, his reaction will tell you whether he's faking or not. Best not to mindread or glean anything from any snooping activity.

Get on with your life and see what happens; being an observer, of crappy things in your life, rather than a participant is such a good place to be, it's a bit like going to a movie except you don't have to pay silly prices for popcorn and drinks but you can leave a mess behind and not worry about it because someone else will clear it up.

[beckyb]

At least I talk a good game. In some respects I'm still faking it but the panic and anxiety are much better now.

[Avanti]

We are all experiencing that, me especially.

[shotgun]

Thank you for being there for me Rouky. I don't know what happened to me. I was doing OK but the last several days I have fallen into d deep depression. Could be the Prozac. It is a struggle to get through the day at work. It seems like I have too much time to think and I focus too much on my troubles. Not sure what to do about that. I am sleeping a lot more than normal which my therapist thinks is a sign of depression. I have no patience for anything and that is such a strange feeling for me as I have always had plenty of it.

Took S13 to a lecture last night. Had a good time with him but couldn't enjoy the evening as my mind was flooded with so many thoughts. I just feel like such a failure. Rouky I so admire your strength and wish I had that quality. Maybe in the end of this mess I will have developed a little. Thank you for always being there for me and giving me courage to soldier on. I will make it!

[Avanti]

shotgun, if you think it's the meds or not, go and see your doctor, they did dreadful things to me and I soldiered on taking them and it got worse! There are other meds that you can be moved to although there are many in the healthcare world that do not believe in meds to deal with depression.

I may have said this already, but have you tried looking into the non-spiritual practise of Mindfulness Meditation? It is working wonders for me and it took effect far faster than meds (that I stopped taking under guidance from my doctor). Your doctor should be aware of this type of therapy, if they don't Google "Mindfulness Meditation Oxford University Mark Williams".

What Mindfulness did for me was to, almost immediately after a bit of practise, stop my head feeling like it was going to explode as there were so many thoughts going on, all of the time, so I couldn't sleep, eat or enjoy anything. I use it now to keep myself in check and heading in the right direction, being 100% open, I may not be part of this world if it wasn't for Mindfulness.

[shotgun]

Thanks Avanti. I'm not sure what it is at this point. I will give it a few more days and see how I feel. Could just be the grieving process. I hope it gets better after the D is out of the way. Just overwhelmed with all the financial statements and gathering of documents for the attorney. Having a tough time at work also. I feel like I have too much time to think. This is going to be one of those days where I have to force one foot in front of the other.

[ATPeace]

Sometimes it is the lonelness that hits you ...just keep yourself busy it will help

Take care

Ghost