beckyb, I am about to say a few things that might upset you and I sincerely hope that you will take them in they way they are intended, nothing more than to help you. If you think I am way off, please let me know and I promise not to be so direct in future, or will, if you prefer, step back and let others help you who are more adept to continue to help you.
Your husband sounds like a mr nice guy in that he's found "a project" in the form of someone who does not have long for this world.
As a recovering mr nice guy, I know that "projects" are very attractive as they fulfill a need to fix things.
Your husband is on a path towards a brick wall (when the OW dies) that's somewhere down the path and he's rushing to try and make things better for the OW in a vain attempt to make her death somehow easier. The reason for this is if he does everyone will think he's a great guy and his world will be a better place, which is true to an extent except it will be short lived glory because his (probably small) audience will go back their lives pretty quickly and he'll be left on his own.
To accomplish this short lived glory he is currently using passive aggressive, non-verbal and unwritten contracts to try and manipulate things to get what he thinks he needs, which ultimately end up hurting you - classic mr nice guy behaviour.
What you, or anyone, does not know is what is going to happen to your H when the OW steps off this mortal coil.
One things is reasonably for sure is that he'll lash out at the nearest (soft target) person, probably you, as no matter what you do from his perspective, you'll have taken too long to do what he asked and so some of the blame for how he feels will be directed toward you.
You have no control over him, but you do have control over you and what steps you can take to mitigate the future hurt that could/probably will come your way.
Much as you probably don't want to have you given any thought to what you are going to do when this inevitability happens and also what you could do, for beckyb, in the here and now to enable you to deal with it even more capably than you could, if it were to happen, right now?
I am aware that I am speaking about someone (the OW) who does not have long to live and I do not mean her any disrespect as I would for anyone who is in a similar predicament to her.
As said above, this really is tough stuff and you have every right to say "please stop Avanti" and I will.
Avanti - the poster formally known as Beagley
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
