Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Underdog]

Maybell,

Does MD have a caveat to have the money go in escrow first? If he's consistently inconsistent, you might have to bark up a few trees. I had an employee who was forced to go this route because he missed payments consistently, and the state garnished his wages. My XH arranged to have mine direct deposited right from his check so he didn't have to worry about the escrow thing.

Although you didn't see me jump in Sunny's pool last week, I'm here. I really worry about you, Maybell. This unchecked, long term anger is not your friend. It's not healthy for you, your children and your relationships with others.

I know I probably need it. It's not the self-care item I want to spend my time on.

Umm, maybe you put on another set of glasses and see this as an investment in you? What will it take to get you to want to align your head and heart? The anger is telling you that they are disparate and in need of healing. There's nothing wrong with IC, my friend. I spent 4 months last summer working on cleaning house myself - take the time to see that this is your boarding pass to a much happier journey. You can take the time to write in your journal and work on the things that bring you pleasure AND do IC at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive, you know.

All of the stuff with your boss is telling you that you need to do something. Get that resume updated and start looking, sweetie. You need to work in a more peaceful place. Why choose Afghanistan when you can have Hawaii?

I hate that I'm missing out on taking my kids to the fair and chaperoning field trips, etc., so that I can subject myself to this kind of treatment.

So you're saying here that if you were in a rewarding job where you were valued, you'd be happy about that? If that is the case, Maybell, this "stuck-ness" is a lot more deep rooted than you've shared here.

BTW, my D21 didn't want me on her field trips. She literally begged me not to be one of the moms who joined them. She wanted to come home and tell me about her day, independent of me. She's still this way.

One final observation. You devoted way too much time in your most recent post to assuming a whole lot about your XH. I know you're angry with him, but when do you plan on working through this? He's a jerk, okay, but you still have to parent with him, and he's still the father of your children. When is it a good time to drop the rope?

Another observation:

I want the opportunity to get to know new people, maybe even single people (both genders) so I don't have to feel guilty about taking all my married friends away from their families.

When you were married, did you feel resentful about having friends outside your marriage? Every married couple *should* have friends. Healthy friendships are the fuel to a good R. Don't deny your married friends the gift of having you for a friend. They'll meet you when they can. It's not to discourage you from making new friends, but try to see yourself from the perspective of those who love you.

On a spiritual note, sustained anger wreaks havoc on the liver. Take care of yourself and please know that I say these things to you as someone who cares and who has been here and done this. If you were my friend IRL, I'd probably come down a lot harder on you. My friends do the same with me. They did a mini intervention with me a couple weeks ago when we were in PA - and that is how I manage my grieving. I grieve by eating, and it's not working for me. They're worried.

If you can't get yourself into IC right now, please google books and TED talks on anger and process the poison that sits with you day in and day out. It's the obstacle between you and a peaceful, happy life. It's telling you that something is wrong. If you had a lump in your breast, you'd get to the doctor right away, right? This is no different. You deserve to live happily.

Hugs,
Betsey