confused newbie 2

[dday]

I actually did get up and move around, talked to other parents, etc. Consequence to crossing it? She knows how I feel, and that she would be hurting me to do it. Which in turn will make me mad.

Maybe it isn't a boundary so much as a preference. But, it's mine either way. I will not let her run over me anymore. I'm starting to feel stronger, like I am starting to find me a little bit

[dday]

Sorry for the multiple posts. Phone went nuts. I really need to learn to let go. Not give up, but let go. I hope W starts seeing consequences of her actions. She said her parents will help her get hotel rooms for travel ball. I said that is great for you. I was kinda mad when we talked. Probably not helpful.
I am having dinner with a buddy and his wife. She has moved out of their house, in a similar situation. But, they are working to get back together. She wants to talk to me, and offer more advice from the W point of view. I have read many things here that are helpful, but maybe actually hearing them may make it stick.
LRT, LRT, LRT

[Jpeg]

Dday. Let us how dinner convo goes. I would be very interested to hear the view/ perspective of the WS

[dday]

The abridged version of dinner with buddy's WAW:

PMA
Show W that I am ok, and will be with or without her
No pressure
Let her come to me
Don't always be available
Be a little vague and mysterious

Sounds familiar, doesn't it? But it was nice to hear it from someone going through it.

[dday]

So I will give a recap, please let me know where I can improve things:

I believe that my W is a WAW, not WW. She is still not seeing all that will be changed by her decision, but there is no A, and she feels justified that I wouldn't ever change. But, I have changed some things, and I know that I have much more work to do. Not sure how much work W is doing on her half, but that isn't on me. W told me that she wants out of our marriage because she doesn't want to work on us. She admitted that it can be resolved, but she doesn't trust what I have done so far.

In the past week, she has done more things that seem like the "normal" us. Asking me to do things, joking around, texting, calling, wanting to sit by me. Etc.

I have told her more of my feelings, against DB but it's a 180. I asked her not to sit with me until she is ready to work on us again. Asked her if a decision regarding S8 was really in his best interest, or so she could hang out with the other couples that she had put ahead of our M. Told her that I am here now and willing to do my share, but that may not always be the case. Probably screwed up a bunch more, unintentionally pressured her, etc. I feel horrible for doing some of this, because it feels like I may push her away if she tries to reconnect with me. But, I have to have a little distance in order to detach like I need to do. I do not want to do anything to hurt my chances of saving the M.

Please show me how to handle the things I have failed on better in the future. What has to happen for her to regain trust in me? I think that is a major hurdle for us getting back to working on R. The advice from friends WAW seems very much in line with DB, and that is the direction I feel I need to go. I have to be stronger and happier to become more attractive and be a better catch. I do not want to feel the way I have for any amount of time more than absolutely necessary. So, time to focus on me and my boys, and TRY to not focus on her.

Please, any advice is helpful!

[Ancaire]

D - first, you need to accept that this process is going to take time. It took time for your marriage to fall apart, it will take time for it to be repaired.

It was fine that you set up boundaries to allow you to detach. You already know that there was some pressure in there. STOP DOING THAT.

Give W TIME to see your changes are permanent. Give yourself time to work on yourself. Be the best Dad you can be. Pray daily. For spiritual people, the absolute best advice is "Let go and let God."

Patience, brother. It is the best thing to have going for you.

[dday]

Thanks Judy, you are awesome. Time seems to be the answer for a lot of things. And being consistent.

[dday]

Should I skip ball tonight and send her a text something like:
W, you know I want us to be great again. I am not going to be able to go to the game tonight because I always seem to pressure you. Neither of us wants that. I'm going to take some time away to work on myself. Give the boys my love, and I will see you all tomorrow.

Thouggts?

[Azzork]

dday -

Youre so busy trying to DO something. Many times, the best course of action is to do nothing. This is a choice, and often, a strong one.

why on Earth would you send this?
W, you know I want us to be great again. I am not going to be able to go to the game tonight because I always seem to pressure you. Neither of us wants that. I'm going to take some time away to work on myself. Give the boys my love, and I will see you all tomorrow.

you know I want us to be great again. - yes. she does. why do you need to say it?

because I always seem to pressure you. Neither of us wants that. - yes. sending this note is pressuring her.

I'm going to take some time away to work on myself. - for you? or for her? and really...this ONE night is that time?



If you want to talk to your kids, you may consider something like:
"I cant be at the game tonight. I'd like to call the kids XXXXX."

[dday]

Being there while she is there, is hard for me. I want to hang out with her, but I do not want to just be friends. I analyze everything, and need to detach. But being with her for 5 ballgames, and a school thing is not going to allow me that this week. Plus, we have had L stuff, child support papers this week.

Obviously, I am confused. LRT says to be vague, listen, validate. It would be a huge 180 for me to not go tonight. I need to get me back, before I can get the R back. Trying to figure out how to apply LRT. Struggling with that.

And yes, I am a fixer. I have a lot of work to do there.