Just reporting in. Nothing remarkable to say about my life as it is. Peaceful &pleasant when together . I find it more obnoxious to be apart and More & more (now that mom is gone and there is no real giant REASON) to be in nj (aside from a whole different life of my own here) i don't like being alone so much. I don't know what i really want - bottom line.
i'M TIRED of controlling myself so rigidly- i'm tired of being "reasonable" and patient, etc. I wonder honestly - then read the book one more time and think i can hold this in a bit longer. "remain calm" - not so sure it's the right thing to be doing - awaiting inspiration from above (or somewhere).
Estate junk is rocky- everyone at everyone elses throat. I feel inbetween everyone - these two houses still for sale- had an offer for each - , both toooo low- bUT i'm trying to be reasonable and maybe accept crappy market- but don't want to make wrong decision for everyone else along with me. i'm a bad negotiator and feel a strong sense of duty to do best here. cripes!!
have to work today- so that's okay. still substituting, doing pretty well on a daily basis. Less or no ripping pain - not totally happy & carefree about r. It still stinks, it seems to be teeeeeeeny teeeeeeny increments of "better" that kind of throws me off - but overall still same. ow still around - so really it's hard to read these signs, so subtle, losing desire to even try & bother sometimes.. endeavoring to wind it out best i can til i "blow".
I want that old time feeling of loving and being loved. I don't want to be totally "alone" - (as in, is part time "mate" better than none?) idk the answer to that. My sister in town is out of work and struggling like mad- it's a moderating force. seeing up close and personal the unhappiness of life on one's own (ALLLLLLL THE TIME). it's grinding her down. there's good and bad for both positions- keeps me on my fence (yeah- i k now, i'm building a house on the fence ) . i'm still just going with my gut day by day- idk - still have not just gone bizerk and walked out for one more day.
i'm doing good th o- feelin like old self most of time- ta da haven't croaked from it all - will be happy when estate is closed and i'm out of this "job"
