I did take your advice and mention what you suggested in my letter. I did not send it though. I called her last night and asked her if we could meet somewhere and talk. Surprisingly, she agreed. We talked about the kids for about an hour and then I told her I regretted some of the things I had said over the years and realized some of the things I made a big deal about were actually no big big deal. I would like to share one of those things on here because I had a revelation a couple days ago and I cannot figure out why I didn't see it before.
A couple years ago before D's wedding, W told me over the phone while I was working on the opposite coast,that she bought a new dress for the event. Since she has quite a few dresses (mostly summer dresses), I couldn't figure out why she couldn't just grab one out of the closet. She went on to say that since she would be accompanying a man in a tux, she should have a formal dress. Sorry, but I am a guy and I didn't understand. She said "I am the mother of the bride, I should have one". Even though I full custody since D was 6 1/2 and my wife has been around since then, she is actually the step-mother. Bio mom wasn't around much, but she was going to be there. I thought W was trying to up-stage bio-mom, so I called her and attention wh*re. I really had no idea how much the formal meant to her.
She has been bugging since we got married to take her to the Marine Corps Ball. I have been telling her that the last one I attended was in 1991 and since I do not like social functions and spend all day with these people (and 24/7 while deployed) , we would not ever go, especially since I think they are all superficial. I have always been a real stick in the mud and successfully avoided events that are referred to "mandatory fun".
I realized a couple days ago, that it was incredibly selfish of me to never take my beautiful bride to an exciting formal event like that and give her an evening to remember. I could have put up with the phonies and braggarts for one evening in order to give her a dream and I never did. I told her all that and more.
She told me that she knows she has lied to and manipulated people in order to get what she wants and doesn't feel good about it. I believe that is the first time in her life she ever admitted that.
I asked her if she would consider holding off on the D since we are all legally separated and just see how things go over time. I told her I would leave her alone and would not try to hug or kiss her, call, come by unexpectedly or expect anything from her. She said she has been doing a lot in therapy and since she has been married since she was a teenager (we married the day her other D was final)she needed to find out who she is and she really needs for this to go through. She said it is only paper, but she needs that sense of freedom. I told her I didn't agree with her decision, but I support her desire and I will not try to hold her down.
We decided to be friends and eventually do things together and possibly as a family and promised that no matter how ugly the past is, we would leave it behind and move forward from there.
She said she doesn't even know who she is yet, but thinks our personalities are are not compatible because of the way we conflict. I don't agree, but I am going to give her her space. We are getting along fine now and it is somewhat of a relief.
I would rather have a different outcome, but I think this a good start.
