Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

Sunny, thanks for that nice thoughtful answer. I've been really brewing on it for the last week.

In the meantime the child support check was late and when I objected Mr. Fantastic treated me to a huge word salad about how he is human and makes mistakes and I need to quit treating every little thing as some nefarious plan to make me suffer. Also that the alimony check might be late because of the same problem. And that he wasn't going to hate himself just because I want him to. Then today he sent me a long text asking me to coffee next week and saying that he wants us to be closer and to be less tense with each other.

I wish he would just LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want anything to do with him. My life is demanding and I'm tired all the time. I want nothing more than to stay home for a week making my home mine and having lunch with all the wonderful people who have supported me through the last two years and thanking them and making some small return on their kindnesses. He doesn't care about my feelings AT ALL. He just wants me to behave in a way that makes it possible for him to minimize the impact that he has had on me. He wants evidence for his myth of the amicable divorce. I have no interest in salving his conscience. He never even apologized for the check being late until I pointed out to him that I rely on the money. DUH. He doesn't care about anything but himself at all. I don't need that kind of selfishness in my life.

I'm trying to get my head around the idea of IC. I know I probably need it. It's not the self-care item I want to spend my time on. I get so little time to myself that I really just want the opportunity to putter and write in my journal, feng shui the living daylights out of my house and take up some GAL that is just mine and nothing but a pleasure. I want the opportunity to get to know new people, maybe even single people (both genders) so I don't have to feel guilty about taking all my married friends away from their families.

I've come so far. I know these things are coming, and that they're not so far away. My life is still moving in a very positive direction. I just need to be patient and faithful.

I did come very, very close to just walking out on my job today. My boss had sent me a long list of things to do by email, and as I was going over them clarifying what she was asking for, she interrupted EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE I tried to start. Her tone was very impatient and she acted like all my questions were stupid. If I'm so stupid then why am I still there? If I'm smart enough to be there then why can't she let me ask my questions when all I'm trying to do is determine what she wants?

I hate that I'm missing out on taking my kids to the fair and chaperoning field trips, etc., so that I can subject myself to this kind of treatment. I am horrified at what it will be like when my mentor leaves (her last day is Friday... similar reasons).

Thanks for letting me vent.