Flailing

[Lost08]

Well, DB coaches know best. They have much more experience and know the full dynamic of your sitch.

One thing I left out of my last post is that I do wish you goodwill, support, and peace today. I know how it feels, and I'm sorry you're there. Thank you. I'm sorry we're all here. But also very grateful for the support.

The positive is the same as the negative- there is no one thing you can do that will make or break anything. Thank God! That's positive when you feel you've made misteps (not that you did necessarily), negative in the sense that you can't do any one thing to 'win him back'.

Only when you let go of 'getting your H back' as the measuring stick of how you are doing in life can you be truly free. And only when you become the person that you want to be can you not fret about your actions, because they will flow out of you. Like Pirsig said- painting a perfect picture is easy...just make yourself perfect then paint naturally. So too, just become your best self and your beliefs, values, and all of that will flow out of you.

Thanks for explaining the why's behind what you did. Again, if you did your best to follow DB coaches advice then you should sleep well at night.

Zues,
I keep coming back to this
"Where in there are his needs? His hurts? The pain that drove him to the point he felt this was his only way to remain a man? This type of speech probably made him think "more of the same, always about her, always about how I'm not doing it right, does she ever think about how if she had done A/B/C differently we wouldn't be here?, but no, it's all on me, and now she's trying to use whatever attachment we have together and God to try to control me more, I still feel for her but if I live under her thumb anymore I'll be destroyed completely, I need to be free to be my own man and be around people that let me be who I am"...

I think this rings true for him so much and it pains me to see that. I know I have to let him go. I'm still struggling with how to do that, with accepting it and coming to terms with it.

I also have no idea how to become the best me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who I used to be. I was so young & naive when I met H, newly graduated from college, no idea about the world. He was older, experienced, had traveled the globe while in the Marines. So much of who I am came from being part of "us."

I missed out on so many things.

As I became older, it seems the few things I liked the people in my life, including H, did not like.

Perhaps H and I are not really compatible. Perhaps I was never the person who would make H happy.