Lost do you have a safety net, family members- parents, brothers and sisters? If so could they help?
With a lawyer you might be able to garnish his wages. I am not sure where you are in your relationship, are you done?
Unfortunately no safety net. I do have parents and 2 sisters. I haven't told them yet. Didn't want to tell friends and family. I was holding out hope that somehow my M would eventually reach the piecing stage and we would R, so I guess I was trying to protect him (and myself) from any judgment from my family.
My sisters, well, I know they would be supportive, but it's so much more complicated. My one sister, in particular, had an affair and her M was destroyed. She's since been divorced and it's been very ugly. This was something I witnessed too closely as I was with her when she met her OM and when she started her A. I became her confidant and she spent years leaning on me for support when her M fell apart. H resented the time I took to support her and has been VERY critical and judgmental of her actions. Saying on more than one occasion how horrible it was for her to have an A despite how emotionally abusive her H was.
My H expressed VERY VERY strong opinions about this and her decisions. Telling me if I ever even kissed another man our M would be over in a heartbeat. My H said I would be dead to him. He wouldn't fight me for anything. The D would be fast and he would never talk to me or interact with me again in my life, unless he was forced to speak to me b/c of the kids.
She has struggled since with almost everything in her life since. She struggles to support herself and her 2 little girls, she's lonely and I believe she still berates herself for having an A. I don't think she's forgiven herself.
This same sister and I had a major falling out last year. She was very drunk and unhappy and lashed out, both verbally and physically. I can't go into all the details right now, but I am very gun shy about opening up to her anymore with any of my personal life.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I think Mutatio was asking about a financial safety net.
You can vent here. I think it's best to keep family out of it.
Remember that affairs have a tendency to burn themselves out. Let Mr. Selfish make his own idiotic mistakes and reap the consequences. Do what you need in order to take care of you.
Lost - just caught up on your situation. You are not alone with your feelings of sadness and sorrow, trying to sort your life and children's. I am not wise with words, but offer a ton of support. The children and I have also recently been left by an international WAS. It is hard to pick up the pieces of my own life, let alone the lives of the children. The children don't understand why he must leave the country to sort his life.
Yep, he is being Mr. Selfish! But the kids need a mom who can keep herself together. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself what you need to heal and feel whole.
You didn't break him and you can't fix him. These are his demons that he is trying to sort.
TY dejavu2. I don't know what I need to heal. I don't know that I have anything left to give myself. There are times, more often than not, when I feel very selfish doing anything for myself. I struggle with how to be there for my kids and fit in doing something for myself. Unfortunately, with my sitch and schedule, my kids are alone a lot when they aren't in school. Even though I long for time to try & go out without them, even for a run, it feels wrong. It's more time they are alone and it's affecting all of us.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I think Mutatio was asking about a financial safety net.
You can vent here. I think it's best to keep family out of it.
Remember that affairs have a tendency to burn themselves out. Let Mr. Selfish make his own idiotic mistakes and reap the consequences. Do what you need in order to take care of you.
Ah, Judy, mutatio. No financial safety net. H is the only one with savings and retirement plan. My small income has always been supplemental to help with the bills not completely covered by his paychecks. And seeing as my positions, while overwhelmingly time consuming, have always been categorized as per diem and part-time, I did not qualify for any retirement plans with my companies. What a silly fool I have been.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Well, DB coaches know best. They have much more experience and know the full dynamic of your sitch.
One thing I left out of my last post is that I do wish you goodwill, support, and peace today. I know how it feels, and I'm sorry you're there. Thank you. I'm sorry we're all here. But also very grateful for the support.
The positive is the same as the negative- there is no one thing you can do that will make or break anything. Thank God! That's positive when you feel you've made misteps (not that you did necessarily), negative in the sense that you can't do any one thing to 'win him back'.
Only when you let go of 'getting your H back' as the measuring stick of how you are doing in life can you be truly free. And only when you become the person that you want to be can you not fret about your actions, because they will flow out of you. Like Pirsig said- painting a perfect picture is easy...just make yourself perfect then paint naturally. So too, just become your best self and your beliefs, values, and all of that will flow out of you.
Thanks for explaining the why's behind what you did. Again, if you did your best to follow DB coaches advice then you should sleep well at night.
Zues, I keep coming back to this "Where in there are his needs? His hurts? The pain that drove him to the point he felt this was his only way to remain a man? This type of speech probably made him think "more of the same, always about her, always about how I'm not doing it right, does she ever think about how if she had done A/B/C differently we wouldn't be here?, but no, it's all on me, and now she's trying to use whatever attachment we have together and God to try to control me more, I still feel for her but if I live under her thumb anymore I'll be destroyed completely, I need to be free to be my own man and be around people that let me be who I am"...
I think this rings true for him so much and it pains me to see that. I know I have to let him go. I'm still struggling with how to do that, with accepting it and coming to terms with it.
I also have no idea how to become the best me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who I used to be. I was so young & naive when I met H, newly graduated from college, no idea about the world. He was older, experienced, had traveled the globe while in the Marines. So much of who I am came from being part of "us."
I missed out on so many things.
As I became older, it seems the few things I liked the people in my life, including H, did not like.
Perhaps H and I are not really compatible. Perhaps I was never the person who would make H happy.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
But here we are now. What are you going to do today? What do you hope to do tomorrow? What do you plan to do for next week?
It's time to become Lost09.
Today, I woke at 2am. Feeling so sick physically again. And I haven't been able to get back to sleep. I'm hoping to doze for an hour at least. Today I will
Go to work. Go to S12's cross country meet. I will then take the truck to have the oil changed. I will cook dinner.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I also have no idea how to become the best me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who I used to be. I was so young & naive when I met H, newly graduated from college, no idea about the world. He was older, experienced, had traveled the globe while in the Marines. So much of who I am came from being part of "us."
I missed out on so many things.
As I became older, it seems the few things I liked the people in my life, including H, did not like.
Perhaps H and I are not really compatible. Perhaps I was never the person who would make H happy.
Think of your life now as a blank canvas. You can paint whatever you want on to it. What do you want it to look like? If you dont know, start trying stuff! Join a book club, join an ultimate frisbee league, join a sit on the porch and drink wine club. Hell, join them all! Start trying stuff and see what you like.
At the same time, start working on you. CaliGuy talks about making three lists: 1) a list of things you dont like about yourself 2) a list of things H doesnt like about you 3) a list of things that you admire in other women Then figure out ways to transfer items from list 1 and 2 onto list 3. This exercise will give you a roadmap towards starting to improve yourself.
Think of your life now as a blank canvas. You can paint whatever you want on to it. What do you want it to look like? If you dont know, start trying stuff! Join a book club, join an ultimate frisbee league, join a sit on the porch and drink wine club. Hell, join them all! Start trying stuff and see what you like.
At the same time, start working on you. CaliGuy talks about making three lists: 1) a list of things you dont like about yourself 2) a list of things H doesnt like about you 3) a list of things that you admire in other women Then figure out ways to transfer items from list 1 and 2 onto list 3. This exercise will give you a roadmap towards starting to improve yourself.
You got this, Lost.
Oh boy, Azz. That's a tall order. list 1 could fill a book. list 2? I know some things, but the others I'm just guessing at since he's been pretty tight-lipped list 3 ??? I admire most Everything about women who are not me
My blank canvas would be so colorful if my life were different. So many things I would do or try and places I would travel - 97% of which are compatible with being a single mom working 2 jobs. Just physically impossible. I guess I better start trying to figure out any holes in the schedule for some of the 3%, huh? I will think on this one ....
I did accomplish my meager goals today. Actually, I think it was pretty great that I made it to work and thru the day. Not pretty, not without crying and feeling sick and exhausted, but I did it. It's an improvement over Sat. when I couldn't even make it to the hospital for my shift.
I also got the names of 3 lawyers from people I know.
And I made an appointment to meet the contractor at the house in the morning. (yes, I'm not going to work again! But it's because it's Yom Kippur)
And I reached out to the union rep for the hospital to inquire about a possible LOA. I may lose my job or have to quit, but I'm starting to feel like something has to give and that might be the weekend night shifts. Not so sure that's the best financial move, but I also don't think I can make it thru much more.
love to u all xoxoxo
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
oops I meant not compatible with being a single mom with my schedule.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
