hold on!! - 12

[Vanilla]

In the UK these orders are called Mesher orders. You can try googling this for positives and negatives, it's well trod ground here in the UK and fairly standard stuff, many good articles on it. I know this may be different but the principles will generally apply.

Drop the scorecard U, not helping you. I absolutely know that you have better strategies than that, it may get in the way of achieving the best result for U and his children.

Clear head, breathe and take advice.

Breathe deeply

V

[asitis]

Agree w/ the others, let the score card go. That's only a recipe for friction that will affect everyone's quality of life.

Also, when there are children involved, my attitude is give a little more than you might to keep a healthy, peaceful co-parenting relationship and so that kids know you dealt fairly and generously w/ your S, despite their being the one who walked. It will pay dividends in the future.

[u-turn]

Thanks Sunny!

You jointly own the house with her for the next three years with a clear understanding of how household repairs get paid (e.g. if it needs a new roof, you pay for that). Then, when D15 graduates from high school (and maybe goes away to college), you downsize to a smaller place and use the equity to pay for college. It's not a bad solution.

I think this works for me. I know it will keep me in the house and improving it over time will keep me busy and increase value. I know I can build the equity which I can use for D15s college. Just need some defined boundaries about this.

Could you tell her it's required to have someone look over the paperwork on her behalf? It doesn't have to be expensive. It's certainly going to be cheaper than re-visiting in five years.

I had another quick conv. with W about this and she will not retain a L. I did have an e-mail conv. with L and he said that he can basically represent both sides as long as we can agree on everything. If we disagree, he would have to resign the case and we both would have to find other Lawyers. I think we are going to try this and will have to meet with L this week to beat the Oct 1 hearing date. She seems rather nonchalant and easy going about all of this - maybe she is getting what she wants - out.

I mentioned the scorecard up there. I know logically that this is not helpful and I know to ditch it - sometimes the resentment creeps in and shows it's ugly face. I feel that overall I have lost so much and have to move on from that, but I am getting what I have asked for and more with the D so far.

Though I want to say this - a criticism of myself and one that I think makes me weak. I have always been a gracious loser and when the occasion occurred, had winner's guilt. I think this has made me into not a very competitive person. I remember even as a kid, that when I would compete at something and was winning, I would sometimes take a dive at the end because I know I have won, but give my opponent the joy of winning - bizarre behavior I think. (Don't really know why I mention this) back to the regularly schedule program.

I don't feel like there is any winning in a D, only a result that is as fair as possible for everyone. That is what I am trying to achieve. So I am trying to find areas to give back so I am not accused of winning this - does this make sense?

I like your quote from underdog and get this - I just really loved the life that I was living - but onward to a new life.

Sad to say, but I am looking forward to her departure. It is still very uncomfortable with her here and now with her talking about her place, and picking paint colors with D15, and talking about all of the new things she's getting, it does twist me a little. but again - I'll probably feel a whole lot better when she's gone.....

Feel free to yell at me, I have agreed to help her move some things to her place. I am picking up a washer & dryer tomorrow. I don't know if this was a good idea, but she asked and I said yes. I didn't really want to see her place, but I guess it was unrealistic to think that.

Thanks for your support

[u-turn]

In the UK these orders are called Mesher orders. You can try googling this for positives and negatives, it's well trod ground here in the UK and fairly standard stuff, many good articles on it. I know this may be different but the principles will generally apply.

Drop the scorecard U, not helping you. I absolutely know that you have better strategies than that, it may get in the way of achieving the best result for U and his children.

Clear head, breathe and take advice.

Breathe deeply

V

Thanks Vanilla,
From what I read, these mesher orders are forced when there is an imbalance of salaries. This makes sense to protect the kids. In my case, I don't know exactly what we'd be protecting. Salaries are basically the same, now her rent and my mortgage payment will be about the same. I need to find from her if name stays on the house. Another situation of "her's and our's" which is how she's operated for the last two years.

I need to establish clear boundaries about this.

Thanks for the reminder about the old scorecard again. I think it will get much better when she's moved. I hope.

Strange how I was thinking today - what are people going to think of all of this - are they going to ask why and what am I going to tell them and what is she going to tell them?

One day she is just going to be gone from the house and neighborhood - without anyone even knowing there was a problem. I don't even know how long it will take for anyone to notice she's gone. Someday they will ask, where's Mrs. U? "oh - she moved out 4 months ago and we aren't married any more." They will surely think I am joking - we were a great couple.

I work at a school where she also used to work. People often ask about her.

All things to deal with eventually.

Still breathing, still smiling, still laughing....all will be fine.

[u-turn]

Agree w/ the others, let the score card go. That's only a recipe for friction that will affect everyone's quality of life.

Also, when there are children involved, my attitude is give a little more than you might to keep a healthy, peaceful co-parenting relationship and so that kids know you dealt fairly and generously w/ your S, despite their being the one who walked. It will pay dividends in the future.

I know this has to happen to keep our kids whole. It really is something I can do because it really is who I am - I have not been too successful at maintaining grudges with anyone anyway. I want the kids to learn about that from me.

I will do this for the kids. Though the one thing that I worry about with all of this is, I don't know how this will happen if the relationship with XW and THIS OM progresses. I don't know how I would be able to face that. I do realize that we will both probably move on to other Rs, but this OM will always have those choice words that run through my head associated with him. Nothing I can do about any of that and not to worry about it today.

Thanks asitis

[Vanilla]

Mesher orders are made usually so the children can stay in the family home, it preserves capital when one can't buy the other out.

The reason I know this is that there are tax consequences in the UK in settling divorce cases in a different tax year to the divorce. These orders make the tax disposal of the property at the time of the order ie at the same time as the divorce, thus in the same tax year thus avoiding any tax issues. They are clever way of working settlements.

It's sane to get it all settled now. WW may change her mind down the road about her sitch, my WH has done so and is seeking cash.

Get L help for you and WW to brace this and at least that worry disappears.

U it's likely this OM won't last, that's not the stats, as long as it does WW wil feel safe. So I hope it will stick for a while longer at least until the D is final and the settlement rubber stamped. Being single may force WW from her comfortable illusion but could be troublesome in the D area. Especially if WW is set on D. If I thought it might wake her to piecing my view would be that OM and WW breaking up would be excellent. I am saddened that WW still has a long journey to herself. I know that U will be stable for his boys.


V

[JellyB]

Lovely U, I haven't been around much, but I was thinking about you so thought I would stop by and see how you were getting on. I hope that things are moving on in way that you feel you have a handle on. Much love to you and your family xxxJellyB.

[u-turn]

Thanks Jelly, I haven't been around much lately either but wanted to say how much I appreciate your thoughts and wishes. I surely hope that all is well with you.

I have taken a short break from here as I try to distance myself from my mess. I thought it would help me forget, but it is not really working for me.

situation update since the last time I posted:

WW & I met at my lawyer's office to sign the initial dissolution papers rather than going to court for the initial hearing. We are going to complete the D process in his office (if all goes well) There is no argument, she is leaving with nothing, I will have the house, she will get one of the cars, 50/50 custody, no child support. She cried in the L's office. She showed up very late for this meeting and left early. L said he didn't expect to see that level of emotion - I didn't either.

We are currently doing our financial summaries separately and completing our co-parenting required classes.

WW is still living in the basement of "our" house while she spends time making her new place perfect. She shows up to eat dinner that I have made for the kids and myself, and then she leaves, but comes back to sleep.

She attempts to be buddies with me, but it is still hard for me to do this. I am still having a hard time letting go of my resentment - though I have been cautioned about this from so many here (thank you all).

Still daily I allow my mind to be filled with this resentment and pain (it is not disabling me, but it troubles me that I still think of it).

for instance, I ran across a receipt for an hourly hotel from W that was from early May, I suspected this encounter, I knew that it more than likely happened, but this proved that she was still on her back for him then. This doesn't change anything, but it reminds me of all of the lies to me, kids and everyone else and the level of deceit and betrayal. and makes me think of how much of our family's money she spent on this. This all twists me.

I had put the separation of finances in place two weeks after this may encounter and at that point accused me of being the most deceitful person she knew, followed by her first death threat to me.

I know this is a lot of blah, blah, blah and none of it really matters any more, but it still sits in my head. I have spoken to my IC about this, and she says it is a normal grieving process to revisit these things when dealing with such a loss. (I hope it is that simple).

But yet I help her because she is the mother of my kids and W of 21 years. (I still wear my ring and have decided that I will until I am not married - yes I am the one ending my marriage, but marriage still means so much to me - I talked to IC about this too - I was a man who loved being married, loved W, being a family man, and living a "normal" life with a "normal" family)

I did pick up a washer and dryer for her house and install them (she asked me for help with this), I did hook up her other new appliances, I did some electrical work in D15's new bedroom. This all twisted me a lot. I didn't want to see her new place, or go in it, but I was helpful as usual. I broke down once and had to leave. It was really hard to see into her new life.

I actually apologized to her about leaving and told her that it was hard for me. She asked if I believed it was hard for her too. and told me that "on the day you told me you filed for divorce, I was going to talk to you about our relationship".

This hurt me.
---
I have been very busy with teaching and my business and trying to cover all of the bills. My financial cushion is gone, and I am living paycheck to paycheck, but I am making it work. I hope at some point I will figure out a way to actually get ahead.

I do not know what will come out of the comparison of financial discovery reports. I know what I am reporting, but I am suspecting that W now makes more than I realized and if she is honest with this, maybe there will be some child support coming my way.

As I see it now, I am covering about 85% of the kids costs with a salary that is less than WW's. I can manage, but....

I am waiting for WW to leave, I think I will finally be able to heal and move forward. I will be able to return this house to a place that the kids can be proud of. I can hopefully update the kids rooms as they want them (I have allowed myself to be in limbo with this for two years now because I wasn't even sure we were staying here). I am going to focus on S18's room first because WW didn't get a place that would allow him to stay with her. She only rented a two bedroom duplex and has set up the small bedroom for D15.

WW texted me last week that she is trying to finish her place so she can move as soon as possible to give me peace.

She keeps texting me to try to engage me in conversation. She was in another car accident last week and wanted to gripe to me about the guy that hit her. She wants to gripe to me about S21. These type of things we would always talk about and work out together in our marriage, but now I feel like it's all just a manipulating way of keeping me on the line.

D15 is doing pretty well, she seems fairly happy most of the time, though she acts unusually animated when W & I are together with her - I suspect that she is trying to make us happy.

S18 is struggling through his last year of high school and preparing to enter the trades as soon as he graduates. He bought a truck (with some help from his grandpa) over the weekend.

My MIL texted me that she had heard about what was happening and that she thinks that I have been a great SIL, husband to her daughter and especially a great father. I thanked her, but also told her that I feel like I should apologize for things not ending up the way they were expected to. She responded that I owe them no apology and that their daughter is the disappointment. (this did not feel good to me)

WW was very angry that our story was out and everyone knows. She berated S18 for talking to his grandparents about this. I stopped her and told her it was not right to be angry with him for talking to his family. She calmed down.

I will try to post more often - it does feel good to share.
I will try to catch up with everyone here again, but there are so many new names - I am sorry you are all here.

PEACE

[JellyB]

Thanks for posting lovely U I was beginning to worry....I was checking your thread daily last week, as it had been sometime. I don't say that as a manipulation to have you post more often, more about letting you know that I was indeed here checking in.

Your words sound honest, and while there is the obvious sadness and loss there in words, sentiment and feeling, I also feel a sense of hopefulness and willingness to move forward, to somewhere different. I hope to see this take more hold for you, and buffer you as you inch forward through this trial.

As for me I am mixed bag of emotion at present. You speak of your resentment. I am in full on hate at times. I feel the burden of it too. I want to be done with him the ex and the place he takes in my head and heart. Most of the time I know it's there but am numb to it. But it was the anniversary of BD on Wednesday. Did I say I hate him. Today anyway!

Sorry didn't mean to hijack and be so negative. Interesting week for me. Gosh sometimes wish we could catch up for a coffee and talking cycling and life and navel gaze about more trivial things.

Anyway U, I am sure that others will post far more helpful and inspiring comments. Just trust that I will keep stopping by to ask if you are ok.

Lots of love your friend JellyB xxxx

[Vapo]

I actually apologized to her about leaving and told her that it was hard for me. She asked if I believed it was hard for her too. and told me that "on the day you told me you filed for divorce, I was going to talk to you about our relationship".

This hurt me.
---

U,

I would not believe one word she says. She is just trying to ease her guilt and feeding you some bull.

My 2 cents...