Been wanting to update ... but as I have shared its really tough now at work as the "Internet Crackdown 2015" took place ... thankfully while I was on vacation .. nevertheless I read a bit on the phone but post seldom.
A few things have happened over the past week or so. As I said .. after the vaca it felt like W was crawling into the tunnel and then jumping back out some. Reading (as I am sure you all have too) as much as I could over the past few years .. here and elsewhere .. so many things are spot on. Lately the issue with the LBS accepting the person the MLCr has now become, watching her figure out who she is, getting comfortable in her new skin ... is very apparent. I do not mention this to her, just observe and notice little things. She has brought up a few times concerns about her feeling that "I don't make you happy, I'm not sure if I can make you happy" as I consistently assure her that 'it's not her job to make me happy, no one should have to carry that kind of pressure in a marriage' .... This coming from her comments about how I don't smile as often as I used to... Seems to me she is still dealing with damage done, it's not that I don't smile, but I'd be lying if I said things aren't a bit different ... All that innocence and trust was lost just after BD... Not that I am focused on it 24/7 but nor am I wearing the fake smiley mask either, something I think that just will fade with time The past couple weekends she has been a bit distant, I let her be, she does her own thing and I just accept this is her continuing to process things, has little/nothing to do with me ... I take those times and GAL, do something with S .. just remain on my path and she will come back a bit ... touch base if you will.
Last week, she was PMSing .... it was a bit more emotional then usual ... turns out that she had a little help here. She has been a bit more secretive with the phone, the urge to snoop was there for a split second then I basically told myself ... no more energy wasted on that stuff .. I spent 2 long hard years there and no longer will be chained up to that like a prisioner. Turns out ... SIL and W got into it. W shared with me a bit at first .. I STFU and listened .. she shared more .. then it went as far as to showing me the entire TM exchange. This is where things got a bit wierd ... reading this .. I am telling you .. was like watching 2 MLC heavyweights in SPewfest 2015 .. NOTHING was held back by either one. I am not sure if MIL is/has been stuck in MLC land .. but the more things come out ... the more dysfunctional her family is appearing to be. SIL like W is currently dealing with damage waged by MIL, but the things these two said to each other ... wow .. just wow.
W has been sharing this with me, I basically approached it DB style, nothing I can do but listen, I can not solve her problems .. and as I told her, her R between SIL and W is her issue ... the irony of it all was W actually asked me how she should approach things now because I have had to deal with her when she 'gets like this'. I gave her some DB advice ... very generic ... but tried to get her to see they both fight the same .. unfair .. press buttons and go for the kill. Last night we discussed things more ... the REAL reason W is upset by all that happened was more to do about SIL threatening to tell her entire family about W's A, OM, STD, and all the damage she had done. I was under the impression W had already told BIL1 &3 along with SIL ... turns out SIL is the only one besides myself who knows the truth .... however SIL has no idea we are back togoether and working on the M. W seems to have told tid-bits to this sibling, others to that .. no one has the full picture. W is terrified if anyone else finds out she will be "disowned"
I calmly told her .... she can not control what SIL does or does not do ... if things come out she will just have to deal with them as they come, what else can one do? So I am just contuing to become better, I have been reading alot ... putting more time in with S and making sure our R remains solid. W and I have talked a bit more the past few nights ... mostly about the above, but this morning a bit of R talk .. me stating calmly and firmly I need a bit more from her, but understand she is still working on herself and figuring it all out. I shared I do not feel we have really worked on the M since the vacation (missing homework assignments ... etc.) but I also shared that on Saturdays when S has practice we take that time to walk together on the beach for an hour does help .. somethign we decided we would make a habit out of. She brought up hte sex topic (I think more out of thinking thats what I need ... though I hav enot pursued that area at all) ... I calmly told her she still needs to get retested before we can even discuss that.... again she agreed.
All in all things are good, I think its a challenge figuring out what the new M is, how to blend in Cali 2.0 with the new W, whoever she decides she is going to be .. seems she is still trying things on and seeing how they fit at the moment if that makes any sense .... all things I understand need to happen, she is not quite ready yet.
