when you come to believe in your head AND heart that you are the better choice,
a lot of this gets easier. You may have to make some behavior changes to get there b/c maybe you are not all you can be right now, or yet,
but once you get there, and you KNOW you are the best Hope you can be, then turn the marriage over to God and let the cards fall where they fall; and
Know you are a great catch, and in time it will radiate from within. Become a woman only a fool would leave.
Keep your eye on the goal, which really is that^^, imo.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well in the morning I told him I felt uncomfortable about this other co-worker. He assured me there was nothing there & that he'd probably not hear from her again... He would let me know if he did. He said that he had talked to her on the phone months ago b/c she was sick & didnMt have insurance & was needing advice about her illness (my h is an RN). Then he told me she asked if her friend could call him for advice- she was kicked out of nursing school. So I guess I am just feeling like women are a threat who I would not normally even worry about. I knew that my h had searched for this woman's do page multiple times in one day (when we were on very bad terms)... I saw it when I was snooping on his fb. But I never said anything thinking maybe it was all nothing. She is attractive (a lot more than OW) & that gave me pause but I never said anything. So when she messages him on fb this w/e that really put my meter a bit higher on the alert.
So anyway, the weekend went well regardless. I didn't let it bother me. I had fun & we had a nice time together. We came home & had a nice remainder of the day together sunday.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Things are still going well. H seems super enthusiastic towards me when we interact (all smiles, great moods, physical contact, etc). While I might question what is going on to produce this change I will not let that over run my enjoyment of it.
I think one thing that always crops up (even before the affair) is the amount of time h spends at work. He has always been a hard worker & I'm sure he is one of the only ones putting in over 40 hrs a week. He works about 10 hours a day & says he works more than 8 b/c he likes the comp time so he can use that instead of vacation (his vacation balance is close to 200 hrs right now b/c he rarely uses it for time he takes off). Any time this topic comes up it puts him in a bad mood so mostly I avoid discussions related to his work hours but I do feel neglected for his work.
And post affair, the feelings are slightly worse... I question if he is really working all those hours or doing something else (like he did during the affair) and I feel less secure in our relationship as a whole when he is off working & I am with the kids all day.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
It's difficult to stop the imagination from running wild once trust is broken. I don't know what the answer is - I have confronted H when there is something that really bothers me, but even when it appears that he answers openly, I don't know if I trust him.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
you just don't let up. As if you are pushing him away so you could say that you were right all along about him.
WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR MARRIED?
You cannot hang on his ass 24/7 and watch every move he makes because it will drive you nuts or it will drive him nuts.
You really do need to forgive him because FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOUR BENEFIT, NOT HIS. And no, he is not "getting away with it". Frankly if you do not forgive him, you might as well start packing and filing for D. You cannot NOT forgive him and stay married. No way in hell.
Make no mistake, there is a lot of hard work in front of both of you that will really test your love. And no, he cannot hand you his nuts in apology, because then he will have lost your respect.
FORGIVE!
LOVE!
LIVE!
And for god's sake, quit acting like a spoiled brat. Get with the program or file for D.
It's difficult to stop the imagination from running wild once trust is broken. I don't know what the answer is - I have confronted H when there is something that really bothers me, but even when it appears that he answers openly, I don't know if I trust him.
Yeah, it is hard to know what is real anymore, it seems. I question lots of things that happened in the past & of course question things that happen now. It is hard to just blindly believe that he is not doing anything.
Originally Posted By: Vapo
Well damn honey,
you just don't let up. As if you are pushing him away so you could say that you were right all along about him.
WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR MARRIED?
You cannot hang on his ass 24/7 and watch every move he makes because it will drive you nuts or it will drive him nuts.
You really do need to forgive him because FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOUR BENEFIT, NOT HIS. And no, he is not "getting away with it". Frankly if you do not forgive him, you might as well start packing and filing for D. You cannot NOT forgive him and stay married. No way in hell.
Make no mistake, there is a lot of hard work in front of both of you that will really test your love. And no, he cannot hand you his nuts in apology, because then he will have lost your respect.
FORGIVE!
LOVE!
LIVE!
And for god's sake, quit acting like a spoiled brat. Get with the program or file for D.
Yeah, I understand that I need to move on from this & forgive for my benefit. It seems like it is a process... some days I think I have it all together - my mind is straight, emotions in check, attitude just right, etc. Then other days, i fail miserably at all those things. Some days I can feel like all is well ... no matter what he is doing- b/c I will be alright regardless.
And yes, watching everything he does & analyzing it all is driving me nuts. Some days I have the ability to shrug my shoulders & move on but then some days I feel myself panicking a little over things.
It just all feels so up & down. I have felt relaxed, confident, at peace (which would be when I don't come here as much as I have no immediate need) many times. But sometimes things start to pile up & I falter. I do need to get a grip & try to remain steady, even when I am not feeling it but so far I cannot manage this 100% of the time.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
We have done marriage counseling & finished... Then we fell off the working on the marriage wagon. I suggested we go back to help us resolve the problem we were having & H said he'd not go back to MC again. And frankly, we spent all our savings on MC the first time so we have no money for it again.
Things have been good though... Feeling positive and strong. H is doing well to meet my needs (& I am meeting his). I know I am on an up & will have some downs but hopefully I can work to not lose my head in the future down times... Those times of doubt & insecurity.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
It is possible that OW has left their place of employment. H had the work schedule at home this weekend & I saw it & her name is no longer on it. H could have removed her or changed her name so that I wouldn't know her schedule.... But that would have been a first time to do that & with no real reason to do that (I am not talking about her, stalking her, or trying to go up to his work) so it is doubtful he'd do that. But then I also wonder why he wouldn't tell me if she did leave... Wouldn't that be something that he would want me to know?
Not really worried about it but it is just something that could be helpful. Not planning to say anything about it to h but wondering if he'll tell me.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Posting this here to get it out rather than saying anything to H.
Something I've thought about before but have not put much thought into lately is the fact that H never uses his iPad for his Facebook or email anymore. When we fell off the marriage rebuilding (in June after he read the message on my computer I wrote about him to my sister) he deleted fb from his iPad as well as taking his email off of there. He only used his phone (& changed the password on his phone to one I didn't know).
Well when he decided we were going no where fast & decided to get back to working on the relationship, he put the old password back on his phone, the one that I know. I have been able to look at his phone but mostly do not anymore... I don't feel as compelled to and I also realize that there is little point. If he is doing anything, he is going to be smarter about it now.
But he has not started using his iPad again for Facebook or email. He might occasionally browse the internet on it but that is it. Until last night. He was trying to find an email & his phone wasn't searching for it properly so he got the iPad out & pulled up his email in the browser (not in the email app). He'd forgotten his password & had to reset it. He got in & found what he was looking for. Then he logged out of his email. Not just closed the browser window, but logged out. So now I am left thinking more about this.
It could be a couple things- he doesn't want me to have access to his emails & fb messages all day long like I have in the past just b/c of privacy. He never liked me spying on him & what I would bring up to him that I'd read. BUt he tolerated it b/c of what he'd done.
The other reason that is floating around in my mind is that he is hiding something... he is using these accounts during the day for messaging & clearing the messages before he gets around me (in case I look on his phone). The last time I looked on his fb, I looked at who he has been searching for on fb (if he were to be messaging the OW on fb he would have to search for her first since he isn't friends w/ her any more on fb) & there were no searches. It was like it had been cleared totally... he has had random searches on there previously when I looked (maybe a month or so ago) of friends that he has friended or business pages he has looked for. But this time it was totally cleared w/ no search history. So this is slightly troubling.
I know I am putting a lot of guesswork into all this & it could be nothing. And it could just be that I need to not worry about these things until something more comes to light (something blatantly obvious or him pulling away from me instead of working to meet all my needs). But as I said in the beginning, these are thoughts that go through my head & I wanted to post them here to get them out instead of saying anything to H.
So am I right in thinking that I should just dismiss this all from my mind & let it be?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
