Finally asking for help: 2

[Solo15]

Continuing where I left off here: My Old Thread

[Avanti]

Your being depressed does help to understand why you are seeing things the way you are.

Without wishing to be too intrusive, have you spoken to a doctor? If not you should, if you have are you taking medication?

I have to say the med's really didn't work for me, in fact they made me worse, much worse. Plus, who wants to wait weeks to see if something works or not, I needed help then and there, not a some point In the future when the right dosage of the right compound was found almost through trial and error. That's not the same for everyone I know, if it works or is working for you stick with it.

I am so pleased that I found non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation, that comes out of research into depression at Oxford University, UK Type "mindfulness meditation Oxford university " into Google and you can look for yourself. There's a book called Mindfulness by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, that started me off down the right track. Ask your doctor about it too, health professionals are getting on board more and more.

Now whenever I start to get dark thoughts or my mind feels like it's out of control, I have the perfect tool to calm it down, wherever I am and almost whatever I am doing.

Until your depression starts to ease through whatever route you choose I would simply focus on you for now. Until you are on the mend, everything your wife does will frustrate you and you'll potentially make decisions you regret later. Get Solo15 better first, then focus on the next steps with your M and your R with your wife. Keep on meeting up with friends and doing stuff to get you out and about, some say running helps and I'd have to agree, do you keep yourself reasonably fit? If not, maybe now's the time to move in that direction...

Keep posting, but don't get caught up in too much R or M stuff, tells us about how your depression is feeling, there are many out there suffering with it too and so you'll help them, while helping yourself. You're far from alone, we are all here to help you.

[mutatio]

Hows it going buddy? You sound like your struggling.

You are not "sitting there rotting away", you are stuck. This was such a blow that you had your legs knocked out from under you. You will stay stuck until you have grieved enough for the loss of your marriage. Then, when you accept your situation, you can move forward.

Solo, my marriage seems over. I accept it. I hope that my wife considers remaining in the marriage. I learned this week that waiting is a form of pursuit. So I'm no longer waiting. I am living my life. I've have made new friends. I miss my wife but shes not there.

When you feel ready to get on with your life (finish grieving), get yourself up, brush yourself off and live. I am so busy doing what I want. What are you doing besides working? You need to to keep busy. Can you go out with one of you kids? Rotate through them and give them one on one Dad time.

What I learned is this. While I was grieving I was miserable. As I was in mourning for my marriage I posted here and went to meditation. During this phase I grew to accept my situation. I am no longer the walking dead, I have joined the living.
Life gets easier Solo but not till your ready.

[Vanilla]

Solo

Constant interaction is triggering this sadness, if this interaction is what you may want then it's something you chose to accept. Your reaction in response can be detached.

What do I mean by that?

I mean no anticipation that meeting with, having meals with, sharing with W are going to yield an outcome of R. You detatch from the outcome of R. Great if any interaction does, great if it doesn't.

This is letting go of the outcome.

It is letting go of the outcome of R, by doing that which works for you.

Solo, only you can control you, and W control W. Neither of you is responsible for the other. You have enough for working on you. That's comforting in a really big way, very very good. You can let yourself off the hook for anything other than you.

Poof, an enormous burden gone.

Let's get rid of another one, the difference between guilt and shame. Shame is about who you are, guilt is about what you do. I believe I read great sadness from Solo from shame. Let me tell you this, there is nothing wrong with Solo, he can release his shame for who he is. Guilt is different, it motivates us to change.

Would you kindly do something for me? Would you view a TED talk by Breen on Vulnerability? Google TED Breen Vulnerability. You will be glad you did.

So how do I know this? Very early in my sitch I posted "contempt was not a boundary for me", by this I meant I accepted contempt/disgust for myself and by others. From the feeling of contempt/disgust I ended up with an emotion of shame, disgust for myself. I felt I deserved it, that I had accepted that I was a deeply awful human being (not human doing), I had disconnected from my higher power and I wanted to hide away, cover it up. I changed my belief which in turn changed the emotion of shame to guilt. That I can atone for, guilt can be resolved by atoning and change. Jim challenged me on my belief and Edz and Sotto suggested that I discover these Ted talks. I listened and pivoted.

I read between Solos lines and think I read the same or similar belief, I think I have some suggestions for change. This belief you are rotting away may trigger some physiological damage, let's work to change that belief, do you have IC IRL, I can't spot that apologies. Let's reframe rotting and this produces the fertiliser for new green shoots of change. A positive image for Solo.

So can you.

Then if you would like we can discuss self worth, and the things which are getting in the way and dragging you down, if you want that. It's ok to say V, not now or that's not my journey. I will be pleased if you do and would rather you didn't if that's your path. I detach from the outcome.

I will check back to see your posts.

((((((Hugs))))))

V

[Vanilla]

Sorry fat finger syndrome again!

Let's reframe rotting and this produces the fertiliser for new green shoots of change. A positive image for Solo.

This has been the sitch for many years, it's your comfort zone, and now you are uncomfortable. Examination of why you have accepted this is vital in my view. It can change, it really truly can, so that Solo can become a new Solo.

V

[Solo15]

Beagley
Thanks for sticking in here with me. You and I sound a lot alike. I read through a lot of your thread, and I love how you see things. You have a lot of pluck. I actually have seen a doctor, I have been offered meds, but they are just not for me. I am working on self-care a lot. Probably for the first time in my life. I am physically fit, but I have been hitting the gym religiously, lifting heavy, eating well. I am taking some vitamin supplements like D, B, and fish oils to help my brain produce some of that good old dopamine. I'm drinking lots of water, and cutting back on the booze. My IC recommended the mindfulness meditation stuff a while back and had some good results with it. Now I'm using this app on my phone she recommended that has a bit more structure. I have found that to be very difficult, but profoundly helpful. I've been away from the forum for a few days to sort of heal-up and live inside my self for a bit. I've found that I (at least ATM) have a positive mental attitude. I'm starting to find the detachment from W you are referring to. Seriously thank you for taking the time and personal investment to reach out to a perfect stranger who is going through the worst time of his life. I can't thank you enough, and I hate that you are in the situation you are in, but I definitely have found this journey to be deeply fulfilling in the area of personal growth, and you obviously are finding that as well. Cheers!

mutatio
Thanks for the encouragement man. Seriously. I am so shocked by all the progress you have made in such a short time. It's truly been an inspiration for me. Really. Thank you.

Vanilla
You sound like my IC. So yes I do have one IRL. Though I have not posted in some time, I have been thinking about what you have said and I think that it's really helped me. I watched the TED talk as you suggested, and I found it very illuminating. I have to go now, but I will come back and both answer your questions and give an update to my sitch. Thanks so much for your loving heart and deep insight into everything. Sounds like you have been through some stuff.

[mutatio]

Thank you for noticing my progress Solo. I think by posting here, sharing thoughts and willing to work on myself is what moved me along.

You will get there Solo. You are building the new Solo and this takes time.

Enjoy your life Solo.

[Solo15]

Vanilla

So to address your question of self worth. I'm not really sure about that. Like, I think on paper, by just about any means of outside measurement people deeply value me. I have a lot of confidence in my life. I am a good friend. I do the right thing, no matter how tough and try to love people with courage. I am professionally very successful, a leader of many, and am seen as a really cool guy. The James Dean type.

Those are constructs though, and they are a deliberate framework I've put in place over my life. I think deep down, I do have pretty low self-worth due to a having a passionate heart, my upbringing and a lot of years of being battered around emotionally by my W. Over the last few months in seeing my IC, she has really helped me back off of me taking myself too seriously, taking too much responsibility for the problems in my relationship. She's been helping me to be easier on myself, and that has helped a bit. I think that you are really on the right track there though. I have a lot of self hatred. I often feel ugly, unwanted. I'm not entirely sure why either. It's obvious that people, even my W, find me attractive.

Just typing that out gave me some insight. Thanks V. Seriously.

mutatio
You are a good man. Thanks for your kindness and encouragement.

[Avanti]

This is soo encouraging, there's a different Solo posting now and he's doing soo much better.

You are doing the right things for you, keep them up and your belief in yourself will continue to rise and your perception of your sitch will change, all for the good of Solo.

You are really motivating me as like you I can see our parallels.

[Solo15]

Thanks Beagley, that means a ton to me.

So I guess I should update a little. It's been a weird week. I went to pick up the girls for the weekend on friday night after work. When I got there, the kids were eating, and I went outside to smoke(temporary habit I picked back up when everything went south a few months ago) and my W followed after. Her body language was weird. There was an urgency to her. Like she wanted to hug me or something. I just kind of ignored it at first. So she sits down on this ledge and lights up, and I'm standing in front of her. She asks me to sit next to her. I do. She's kinda rocking back and forth and doesn't seem well. So I ask her what's up. She says she's really not ok. I press a little. She looks me in the eyes and says, "I can't tell you". The indication was that something happened with OM. She asked me to hug her. So I put my arm around her and kinda did the soothing back rubby thing you do when you are consoling a friend. She goes on to say that "she's really bad at life". That "she feels so stupid". I stood up, pulled her to her feet and held her. She sobbed a little, literally cried into my shoulder.

So here I am, doing exactly what Sandi says not to. Literally thinking about sandi's gay boyfriend comment while this is going on. At least that was what was going through my head. It felt like a pretty big thing. Since he's a billion miles away it had to be a communication that it's over, it meant nothing to him, or something to that effect. He's a famous musician(probably never mentioned that part). I think she doesn't realize that she was a groupie. Anyway, I was all detached and strong and weirdly unaffected by it. I felt bad for her that she was hurting. I made her watch a video on my phone of something hilarious and had her laughing in a minute or so. She said I "was very very kind". She knew that I knew what it was about.

Hugged her a few more times before I left. I told her if she needed to just talk to someone she could call me, and that I didn't want to talk about what she's going through but would be there for her if she needed me. Detached, confident, friendly. Not going to stop being who I am. I would not turn someone away how needed help.

So Saturday she calls me up and asks if I wanted to watch a movie with her. I say sure. Put the kids to bed with my parents, then drive out. We watch a movie and hang out. No physical contact until she hugs me goodbye. We don't talk about anything other than light stuff.

A few weeks ago I agreed to watch the kids while she took her friend to a concert for her birthday. So I took the kids back up to the house, she goes to the concert. She tells me I can sleep in the bed if I want to. Was trying to decide if I should wait up or sleep. So I went to bed at around 11. She comes in at 2 and gets in bed. Presses her back up against me. I slept for bit, but I just felt so weird. So I got up and left. Got in my car, drove the hour back to my parents, climbed into bed and got a couple more hours of sleep. So that was my weekend.

Not really thinking about it much. Just moving along. I am not pursuing her, and I honestly don't want to know. The only thing that I can see here is that with whatever heartbreak she's suffered from OM, it might mean that the EA/PA thing could be over. Or weakening. I would assume that it will take a long time for her to heal from it, so just letting it ride out. GAL, detachment, self care, and lots of coffee today!

Thanks for reading, such drama.