have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[tkdmme]

Azz otw,

Thanks for your replies. I am working on some goals. The main goal for me is to continue getting closer to my kids and being more involved with them and their lives. I know that everything happens for a reason and if the reason for my sitch is to grow closer to my children then it is all worth it.

Also, I am using this time to rebuild a R with my father. We talk daily now. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about a week after my BD. We have always had a strained relationship. He was a reclusive father and didn't have much to do with me growing up. He was a sports fan and I was only interested in the arts. He was abusive and sadistic in many ways. This is something that has haunted me my entire adult life. I have since forgiven him and he has apologized for his behavior when I was a child.

As far as wanting to know if the W has OM, I don't think it would be helpful to know right now. I am finally starting to realize that I will be ok on my own and I think knowing there is a OM would put me back a few steps. I figure if there is OM it will come out eventually.

Another goal for me is to get my finances straight. This is hard to do because of the Ws debt. If not for her debt I would be in pretty good shape. I know this is her debt and I should let her have it but she cant afford it alone.

And a pretty selfish goal of mine is to play more golf with S10. I have always used music to deal with stress but golf seems to work just as well without the emotion required to make music.

I have always had low self esteem for no reason. It may lead back to my R with my father. Through all of this im beginning to realize how strong I truly am. This weekend helped me realize this. I had bday parties to go to and arts festival, church and homework with the kids. I did this and did a pretty damn good job at it. That's a good feeling.

Mornings are the worst especially with these stupid dreams.

[otw]

Great to hear about our father and your relationship. I know my mother and i have been much closer during this as well. I share your thoughts about the OM as well. It has been kicked around a bit to hire someone to find out or not for spousal support reasons, but i can not pull the trigger as i dont want the bad news to affect me.

I do realize after reading your post i need to write out some goals and activities to stick to.

[Azzork]

The main goal for me is to continue getting closer to my kids and being more involved with them and their lives.

Also, I am using this time to rebuild a R with my father.

Another goal for me is to get my finances straight.

And a pretty selfish goal of mine is to play more golf with S10.

I have always had low self esteem for no reason.

Alright, so you have some categories of goals. But these arent really goals, per se. Take the first one: to continue getting closer to my kids. Let's say you take your kids to a baseball game. Great, you got closer. You satisfied your goal, right? Maybe no, Im not really sure. Youve outlined what you want, now your goals should be focused on HOW to get there. What kind of actions are you planning to take to reach these milestones?

For example - "I want to be closer to my kids"
- I will spend an hour a day working with them on homework
- I will take them on one "special" outing a month
- I will give them a hug every morning and night
- I will take them to school every morning
- I will eat one home cooked family dinner with them a week

I dont know. just ideas. You figure out what works for you.

But I have found that by writing them out and referring to them, you have that inherent guide to your actions. For example, one of my goals is to empty my dryer within the day of doing the washing. I know every time I pass by that full dryer, I am letting myself down. If you set specific goals, its very EASY to judge whether you are meeting them or not.

[tkdmme]

Cool, I get it.

So I like your example. New goals.
- I will spend one hour a day with the kids helping with homework.
- I will prepare dinner one night a week for the family. (Something I normally don't do)
-I left this one off but I think it fits. I leave for work before anyone wakes up so at 7am I call each of them to tell them I love them and have a great day at school. Ive been doing this for a month or so.
-I will spend one hour a week teaching the kids music. I stared this and then stopped.
-I will take D12 out for dinner one night a week just the 2 of us.
-I will have one boys night out with S7 and S10 once a week.

I like this. im not sure why it took so long to start writing these things out. It makes sense to be specific. Thanks AZZ asnd I would appreciate any comments you have about these goals. There will be more to come.

[Azzork]

So I like your example. New goals.
- I will spend one hour a day with the kids helping with homework.
- I will prepare dinner one night a week for the family. (Something I normally don't do)
-I left this one off but I think it fits. I leave for work before anyone wakes up so at 7am I call each of them to tell them I love them and have a great day at school. Ive been doing this for a month or so.
-I will spend one hour a week teaching the kids music. I stared this and then stopped.
-I will take D12 out for dinner one night a week just the 2 of us.
-I will have one boys night out with S7 and S10 once a week.

These are good. Now expand on them to the other areas. You may want to add some personal ones about how you behave or think to help recondition you. Also, I would put a time limit -- a month, 3 weeks, a quarter, etc to give yourself an end point to reevaluate.

I like this. im not sure why it took so long to start writing these things out. It makes sense to be specific.

Because it's easy to skip. At the beginning, you have this clear picture "I want my S back...nothing else matters." I did it too. Ive been at this almost 6 months, and just last month I actually put pen to paper to write out goals. Now I know much better what I want, and I can achieve that. But it takes work to figure out what I actually want - and I wasnt ready to actually put in the effort before.

But goal setting is step 2 in DR. It should be hard to miss

[tkdmme]

I'm at the L office. Wow my stomach is in knots.

[tkdmme]

Should I tell the w I'm seeing a L?

[Azzork]

Should I tell the w I'm seeing a L?

No. Why would you? You are just gathering information to help you understand YOUR options, right?

Would you show your hand if you were playing poker? Would you tell another player their tell?

[otw]

def not! this is for you

[tkdmme]

so, the meeting with the L went well. I got some good information and it wasn't at all as bad as I thought it would be. I agree with you guys. I wont tell the W. I t was however sobering to see what my finances will look like. The good news is that I am not responsible to keep her in the same house. The house will have to be sold if I so choose to sell it. Thanks you all for the support.