I agree and thought about that when i was in the truck on the way to work. I guess i am wanting to revisit this with her. I think by just saying ok, kept me from doing damage. Like I said, "OK" is better than all of that other stuff. Whats the first thing you do when you discover youre in a hole? Stop Digging!
Do i send her a text saying i have thought about this and understand her feelings and maybe we should set a schedule for a few things. I wouldnt rush and try to hash this out by text. Can you plan to talk with her tonight?
I want to leave this open ended and not just about driving S to school. I do all of the cooking dinner, getting kids ready for school, baths, etc..You could bring this kind of thing up in that conversation. But youll need to be carefult o not project your frustrations with "doing everything" on to her. I think it is time she can not depend on me so much and not just bring up the things she doesnt like. Like this. You cant TELL her she needs to not depend on you. So if you make a schedule, you need to word it in a way so that you want to do what works for everyone. Dont try to push it as she needs to "do her share."
Also do i address my own feelings? Not about what i am angry about her doing or not doing, but me wanting the time with the kids as well? She picks him up and is with him the rest of the day until i get home. shouldnt it not be a big deal if i drive him? I would come it from an angle of collaboration. "We both want to spend as much time as we can with the kids. Lets work together to make a schedule that will maximize each of our times with them. Dont try to trade tit for tat and keep an hourly scoreboard. "Fair" is not always "even"
I really feel she is sensing the kids withdraw from her. She did a lot of yelling this weekend. I am not saying my kids are perfect but she is angry a lot. Lots of reasons she could be angry. Dont try to project your feelings onto her action, I think. Notice that she is angry now, see what behaviors may change that anger to another emotion.
Azzork, Great advice. very level headed. In the past i have always been the one to come back after a disagreement or something and try to find a solution. I still think i need to do this but show her something different with the ideas you have.
On another note, it is so hard seeing her daily anymore. I am noticing more and more how beautiful she is and how much better our relationship would be. A tough pill to swallow knowing that you can not just explain that and make everything better. Her feelings are not there and when i feel like i am showing her how things can be it seems like i am still pursuing her. Any thoughts on that?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Sorry, One more thing. The last time we had a disagreement about a month ago she told me that i just think the kids will be taken care of and i can do whatever i want but she has to go through a whole process to make sure things are done. This is actually something that may have been from our M, but during the past 5 months it has not been so. So, now to hear her say i am spending too much time with the kids is shocking. She just does whatever she wants now.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
MY W has not complained about me spending too much time with the kids but she is doing whatever she wants. I have had the kids for the past three weekends. Two of which she was out of town with her friends. The other I took the kids to TN for a family reunion which she refused to attend.
Im not sure but I think she is threatened by the R I am growing with my kids. Do you and your W share a bank account? this is something that I am struggling with. She knows we are on a budget but wants to go out of town every weekend.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
LOL, funny you bring up the bank account. That opens a new story. One complaint from the M was that we were not equal and i controlled all the finances. Without diving into the entire back story, it evolved out of neccessity and we once had a joint account that she spent all of and we never kept it going. After BD i opened a new account in my efforts to show her change and put both names on it and ready to start fresh. She never did anything until i finally told her just do it, it will make separating things easier. She said she need it for groceries ( which i normally do shopping) and things for kids. Needless to say she spends on herself from the account as well, does not put anything in it. I fund it. She has her own accounts as well. She uses her money for when she goies out but joint account for everything else. She ensures i see what she wants me to see. I have gone back and forth with cutting the account off and stating i am more than happy to share with my W the finances but you are walking away and i dont thing i should be supporting her spending if it is not for the kids or house.
I know my emotions are strong in all of this, so i have not acted upon anything.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Yea we share an account and have always shared the account. Before BD she handled paying the bills which she complained about. After BD I took over the bills and making sure everything gets paid on time. Now she complains that she has to ask me for money. I make more than twice her income and she cannot afford her personal bills without my income. This is why I haven't yet split our finances.
She asks how much money she has and the truth is she has none unless you count half of my pay as hers. I want to split the finances but it seems it would cause fights because she would still have to rely on me to pay some of her personal bills.
These situations are insane. Don't you think? I have to see a lawyer today. Have you done this yet? Im a little worried about how much I will be expected to pay her. I want to take care of the kids obviously but I don't want to fund her new life.
We are still in the same house as you are. That adds a whole new level of craziness. I am being accused of things I don't do on a regular basis and its hard not to try to defend myself.
Im trying to stay out of the house and away from her as much as possible. it seems to help. I can see that my R with the kids is troubling her. She said its not fair for me to change now after she is done with the M. What kind of craziness is that. She said she was moving out over a month ago. She is still there. She said that she is still there because she wants a stable environment for the kids. Yet she wants a D. Non of this makes sense.
Hang in there buddy I think we are in for a long battle.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
we are in very similar situations.. scary how much W sounds like yours. I have seen a L, it is my go to to keep my emotions out of the separation agreement. I too make a considerable amount more than her and know i will have to pay spousal support. My goal is to still maintain enough income to keep the house and the kids there for schools. My W makes money off the books and it is ok, but she always lived beyond her means. She will struggle with this. I too do not want to pay for her new lifestyle and that is why the PI may come into play. If there is someone it will affect the amount of money she gets.
I also believe that my R with the kids is bothering her. I am going to account for her feelings but will also have to deal with the children wanting me to do more.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
As Azzork's advice is gold. I am sitting here thinking more about this occurrence regarding the time with children. I may be blowing it out of proportion but i belive this is an important DB opportunity. I want to make sure i explore all avenues of how to play this out to be sure that I show fairness, that i am different than what she may have been believing, and also that she is not going to just walk on me as well and i will give in to anything.
Im really hoping to get Sandi's view coming from the possible otherside of this. I dont think i can send PM's yet. If someone could get word out i would appreciate it.
thanks
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
